Tuesday, November 20, 2007

to give thanks

i am only days away from going home and i'm surprised to tell you that i'm a little sad about it. i have been dreaming about this for some time, going home for thanksgiving, it's one of my favorite holidays. maybe my only favorite.
i am sad because i know that time has flown by, months seem like days, hours like minutes. thus i know this vacation will go by fast.
i hear people at work talk about how they are burdened by the fact that they have to be with their families this holiday. it is a necessity rather than a privilege. this is something that breaks my heart because i can't imagine feeling this way, not now. i guess when you travel more than 1000 miles away and have no one you know (like really know, that you've grown up with) around you, any amount of time spent with family is a blessing. the people that will be sitting around the table at my thanksgiving feast are people i have be dying to see. i can't imagine being anywhere else than listening to my family talk, crazy and all. yes we're a little too loud, we laugh and gossip and to hear us talk would make some people blush.
so don't be surprised when i hold you a little tighter than i normally would. or stare at your face so that i memorize every last detail. 8 days at home is not nearly enough and i will make sure i hug you as many times as i can.
i will truly be able to say the thing i'm most thankful for this thanksgiving is my family.

Monday, November 12, 2007

a decision has been made

after much consideration i have decided to stop traveling after my next assignment to texas. i will take the one in austin, houston or san marcos depending on which pays and offers the most. i will work for 3-6 months saving money and then will go into another branch of nursing. i plan to go into either labor and delivery, the operating room or psych nursing with the crazies (my favorites!) and live in either austin or houston.
so it doesn't sound like much, a bunch of options really but i can travel later. i also plan to go back to school and get my bachelors and masters in nursing so i can eventually teach.
what pushed me to this comes after last night when i took care of a little lady who hurt herself walking up some stairs. if i had closed my eyes and just listened to her i could have bet $100 that it was my very own Grancita. but it wasn't and i really wished it had been. there will always be chicago and san francisco later, maybe i will just visit. living somewhere and being exposed the the harsh realities of any city make it unappealing, it loses it's luster. LA seemed different when i was in arizona, so did orange county. I'm here and I'm over it.
and i'm ready for the next chapter in my life.

Sunday, November 11, 2007


i was proud that i had everything ready to start his IV and draw blood at the bedside. the patient was four months old, maybe five, he was there for a bad case of diarrhea. i'd carefully taken the time to explain to the parents how it was going to go down. we were all prepared. i grabbed a light to find the veins in his hands since he was super chunky. we turned off the lights, i turned on this special light put it up to his palms (after testing it on my own to make sure it wasn't too hot) looked in both hands but nothing. we turned the lights back on and i started the IV in the opposite side of his elbow (the antecubital vein or AC) with success on the first stick (yea! three points for super nurse stephanie). we were leaving when i noticed he had marks on his palms, blisters. i first thought of Jesus and the holes left in his hands from being nailed to the cross. for a second i thought this could was "special" born with the marks on his palms, then his mom mentioned the light had burned his virgin skin (minus 100 points for bad nurse stephanie). many expletives filled my head as i examined the damaged i'd caused. i'd seen this technique used before, tested it on my own dry calloused hands first. my hands deceived me, it wasn't hot but because i have the hands of a 50year old man whose worked his whole life in the fields.
on a daily basis i apologize a million times, for turning on the light when a patients sleeping, for making too much noise in a room, for intruding to get something simple, for moving family members from one side of a room to another. i have been told i apologize too much. yet in nursing school i was told to never apologize for things as it would give away my innocence in the matter, deem me guilty by two simple words. when i realized that i'd burned this innocent baby the words couldn't find a way to my brain. i got ice bags immediately and applied it to his palms. i worked around it and they were mad. i'm sure all the wanted was an apology from me instead of a very matter of fact approach to fix it. but the truth was i wouldn't, couldn't say it. so i didn't. and i didn't want to walk back in the room.
the cause for the diarrhea was simple gastroenteritis. after all the work to find the IV it had kinked and only 1/4 of the fluids ordered were infused. with my tail between my legs i walked back in. "I'm sorry" was written all over my face as i examined his hands again before i let them all go home. i told the parents the incident had been written up so that it wouldn't happen again and then i said "these things sometimes happen". i guess they understood. i still don't, i still feel guilty, feel horrible. mistakes are made and we learn from them, this is what i keep telling myself.