the offer

what you offered was ho hum when i wanted butterflies, white gold when i wanted platinum. there's nothing wrong with mediocrity but that's not me. i want hot, not lukewarm. say you want something and go for it, fear will inhibit you only if you let it.
i am not afraid to go after what i want, even when it means i'll be all alone. even if it means i am putting myself in danger. i don't believe in "but i'm scared", to me that's an excuse.
there are people who live their lives in a gray area, the safe area. and then there are others, who decide they want more. they need more and go after it.
i wanted so much for it to work out but i won't settle for mundane i want extraordinary.
and so at this time i'm walking away. sad that it didn't work but hopeful that someday someone will offer me all i want and more.

the in between

i'm at a crossroads and there is a decision to be made: stay or go. it's hard for me, after being so travel-oriented, to change my mind-set and sign on at this hospital. it's what i want, i think, but i'm finding it challenging to grasp the concept of "for good", it's almost too hard to even type it. yikes. i love it here, houston. i love the people and the fast paced hospital and the ever growing list of things to do daily. i love the way the air is warm and humid and smells like big city.
but i miss my trips to algodones, mexico, (from when i lived in AZ) eating greasy tacos-most likely dog meat and drinking sol or cheap margaritas.i miss living in a city small enough to get anywhere in 5 minutes and the dry heat and cold dessert nights. i miss the view of the pacific from huntington beach pier and i miss people watching at laguna beach. i hated the traffic but driving on "the 5" and "the 405" amongst other californians, enjoying the ocean and the mountains and being able to say for awhile i was a part of it all is unreal. when i left corpus i just wanted to be able to say i lived somewhere else, somewhere all by myself. and now i can.
and it's time to become an adult, make a commitment to somewhere so that i can go back to school and better myself. there is an opportunity presenting itself and if i don't take it and attempt a normal lifestyle i'll get sucked back in to another travel position, somewhere different.
i am caught between wanting something steady and craving the excitment of a new place to call home. i won't leave, not yet. but the guy i'm seeing was in california for the weekend and hearing him describe the weather and the view and even the john wayne airport made me miss it all.

curiosity killed the cat

i'm the type of person that is curious. i want to know more about everything, about people and why they are the way they are. with writers whose books i read, i want to see pictures and learn more about how they grew up, their relationship status and what they did after writing their book.
sometimes the curiosity can get me further, like at work when i get more involved with traumas. i ask questions about how we do things, what i'm looking for and become a better nurse as a result.
and then there are the times when i need to not be so curious. a blogger/author named stephanie klein wrote recently in her blog about a book called the book of us in which couples can learn more about each other by talking about things they wouldn't normally. there's a section for sex and one for their childhood and then there's one for past relationships. stephanie said she didn't even want to go into that chapter with her husband at the time (now they're divorced and she calls him the WASband). but with me i'd want to know everything. it sounds horrible but i've been conditioned to look for clues, little things that would let me know my significant other was lying or cheating. with Art i became obsessed with his phone bill and his call log only after i knew he was cheating. i wanted to know about his ex and what she looked like and if she was the type of person to cook him food or if he liked to buy her flowers. i wanted to know EVERYTHING until it hurt to know everything and i would then back off. and i would be miserable from it.
but when you've been so used to looking for problems and waiting for something bad to happen for so long it becomes hard to stop the behavior. you are constantly prepared, cautious, observant, guarded.
after constantly pushing people away, does it ever become easy again to let go and fall in love?

a proud moment

i sit here blogging from work, a sense of pride building within me. i assisted with two trauma codes today with little to no feeling of passing out or becoming ill. the first trauma code was a 32 year old male who had a motorcycle accident. he was showing off to his girlfriend behind him, with no helmet at that, and lost control. he was puleless and not breathing on arrival, his left leg looked like jello because his bone was broken. his face and chest were scraped and dirty from the road and blood and he was pale and lifeless. still i stayed in the room, worked the code, did chest compressions and had no problem. he ended up dying. he was the first patient i actually looked at and messed around while he was already dead. i moved his leg and felt his chest and his face. his leg looked really freaky.
the second trauma was a 24 year old male with multiple stab wounds to the chest, stomach and arm. he had his bowels coming out of the wounds which were pretty neat to look at. i can't lie, when he came in i was worried that i wouldn't be able to handle it. but i started by just concentrating on the IV, then eventually i was able to look at him without feeling sick. it was pretty amazing when we sent him to OR and then later found out he was fine.
i'm doing better with traumas, a couple more months here and i'm sure i'll be sick of it. it does take a lot out of you and already i've asked some co-workers out for a margarita after work today, a 7am margarita.
i will keep you posted on what else i see. it's way crazy here.

hyper-independence

there is a consequence to every action. someone cheats in a relationship and the other partner is left feeling incompetent. it's funny to me how one person can have such an affect on your psyche.
at one point in my life, actually two, i thought i'd get married to the most wonderful guy. the second time i wasn't only wrong but way off. he was cheating and i found out from a phone bill. the second time (can you believe after the first time, there was a second?) i found out through a friend of a friend. the point being, i still, very clearly, remember the feeling of utmost devastation.
i go through this every time i get into a relationship with someone. the feelings that i thought i'd dealt with come creeping back into my mind as if i'd never dealt with them at all. and my trust issues have to be addressed and re-addressed as if i'm a child being taught what trust is for the first time. i have been given the wrong information on relationships, from first hand experience (the yelling, fighting and verbal abuse) to literature (like cosmo and why men love bitches) and i feel none the more enlightened. well, i do until i'm smack dab in the middle of a relationship and i throw it all out the window.
i know to keep my independence, my friends and my sense of being. and i know that the other partner in the relationship should do the same.
my situation is simple, i like him a lot. i want to see him all the time. and i don't like it, i don't like that i feel needy. i don't like that he has some sort of power and control over me, not that i let him. i have been single for so long, or not in a relationship where i felt like this, and i have forgotten what it was like to "let go" and enjoy it.
and i want to enjoy it.