wondernurse!

the earthquake and the tornado

2010-11-24T09:56:00.000-08:00

You are the manipulator and I the marionette. With the dancing of your hands, my body moves along gracefully, assuredly with your guidance not to fall. I have learned so much in the last (almost) 30 years, but there is one thing I know to be the most true- without YOU I am nothing. The relationships I have nourished with the people in my life have without a doubt made me who I am, and I would change not a thing. Although there were many times I cried out in fury and disappointment, I know the reasons behind every action were necessary and part of the experience.
I have loved and I have been loved- and for that I am incredibly thankful.
Almost 6 months ago my life took a turn I was not expecting. A once very happy relationship dissolved and I was heartbroken and lost. But as expected, time has healed the wounds left behind from it and I find myself in a better place. Optimistic at the future and ready to embrace what new challenges I will face.
I had a dream the other night that I was in a classroom and there was an earthquake. Not too long after that the building was swept up and looking out the window I realized I was in a tornado. I know what it means- what it represents. And for you placing "the earthquake" and "the tornado" in my life I am appreciative- hesitant but appreciative.
A new chapter has started. I am going home to enjoy the holidays with my family and friends and will return to Kentucky for another travel assignment. I have fallen in love here, with the weather and the people and the little but big city feel. I have made friendships here in 3 months that would rival those I've had for much longer and I've met people I know will stay in my heart for the rest of my life. I don't know what any of it means, but You, my puppeteer, I will never question.

learning about soul mates (thanks to Elizabeth Gilbert)

2010-07-29T04:00:00.000-07:00

Dear sweet, sweet Richard from Texas,
In the book Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, you lovingly watch over and give some wonderful advice to your friend while at an Ashram in India. I couldn't love you more for all the great words of knowledge you've imparted- especially that on soul mates.
While Liz is in this beautiful place, learning to quiet her mind and be at peace with the war in her mind, she continually comes back to her ex-boyfriend and feels like she's losing the battle. She hurts from a deep longing, a not-so-recent breakup still weighing her down, she misses him.
I want to quote the book but cannot thanks to copyright infringement laws. So I will just tell you to read to book.
Eat Pray Love.
Life is simple.

ouch

2010-06-06T11:26:00.000-07:00

I thought my first night out solo was going well, granted I'd had a little bit of alcohol prior to leaving the house so my judgment may have been a bit off. I made an emergency text to my roomie early in the afternoon about an idea I had, which he told me was not a good one and that I should open the bottle of wine in the fridge and he'd be home shortly. I watched one of the only non-romantic movies I own and started on the mixed white wine I bought for moments like these. He came home and we finished the wine and the movie, my spirits lifted. His friends invited us out to dinner so we went which then turned into a night out dancing and meeting new people. It didn't feel so bad until we got in the car to go home and he told me I should download some Carrie Underwood song which reminded him of some previous love and I should have known then that love songs relating to previous heartache would ultimately end in disaster. But I found the song anyway and before you knew it the damage had been done.
Today it's the only song I want to listen to over and over. It's a pathetic attempt at wanting to hurt and heal and cry.
Damn you Randy Travis for writing such a sad song and Carrie Underwood for singing it so painfully beautiful.
ugh. *tear*

Suppose I called you up tonight and told you that I loved you
And suppose I said "I wanna come back home".
And suppose I cried and said "I think I finally learned my lesson"
And I'm tired a-spendin' all my time alone.

If I told you that I realised you're all I ever wanted
And it's killin' me to be so far away.
Would you tell me that you loved me too and would we cry together?
Or would you simply laugh at me and say:

"I told you so, oh I told you so
I told you some day you come crawling back and asking me to take you in
I told you so, but you had to go
Now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again".

If I got down on my knees and told you I was yours forever
Would you get down on yours to and take my hand?
Would we get that old time feelin', would we laugh and talk for hours
The way we did when our love first began?

Would you tell me that you'd missed me too and that you'd been so lonely
And you waited for the day that I return.
And we'd live in love forever and that I'm your one and only
Or would you say the tables finally turned?

Would you say:

"I told you so, oh I told you so
I told you some day you come crawling back and asking me to take you in
I told you so, but you had to go
Now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again".

"Now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again".

two posts?!?

2010-06-04T20:55:00.000-07:00

i know what you're thinking...two posts in one night?!? it's fascinating, isn't it?
well, with all my new free time i can post every day if i want. please, don't look so excited.
we should end on a funny note, not some sad-boohoo-lame-my-relationship's-over note.
here. laugh.
http://www.annietown.com/

who even blogs anymore?

2010-06-04T20:29:00.000-07:00

I have read and re-read the emails, hoping that maybe I've skipped a word or two. I am completely unaware of the severity of this, as if I'm living in slow motion or a few days behind. Every part of me knows that this has happened except for my head...it doesn't want to join the pity party. The kleenexes have been thrown away, text messages deleted, the only real evidence are the letters. Words on a page that have decided my relationship's fate.
And I know it's for the best. I mean, I guess I know it's for the best. I once said I wanted sparkles, or fireworks...something flashy. I wasn't going to settle for anything less than extraordinary because I knew I deserved it all. The gentleman who opens doors, wants to help carry luggage, is over-the-top romantic and plans dinners and fun nights out, the good Christian man with morals who loves his parents and babies- the man of my dreams. And I had him for a brief moment. I can't say that there is one person to blame more than the other. My therapist says... (I've always wanted to say that) that maybe our personalities didn't mesh well together. Why, because we're exactly the same person? Because when we walk into rooms we want to get to know everyone and can make friends with the bathroom attendant or the doorman or the DJ/Bouncer/Waiter, etc. Maybe two personality types can't mesh. You need one outgoing and one a little less outgoing- otherwise someone's always fighting for the spotlight.
Tomorrow is a new day though. I will wake up and greet the day with an optimism that is reserved for the toughest of times. I will do yoga and read books and meditate. And I will enjoy every day I am given. And soon months will have passed by and I will look back and know I gained something from it all.
But for now I will just reread the emails.

you look wonderful tonight

2010-02-26T13:11:00.000-08:00

I will never forget the night we danced to one of eric clapton's greatest love songs. You sang the lyrics so sweetly and softly in my ear. And my family watched as I giggled like a school girl.
I think the world of you.

entranced

2009-05-29T15:06:00.000-07:00

i used to want to tell you everything, to put it all out there for everyone to see. the good and the bad. mostly the bad to satisfy my melodramatic story telling skills. i'm not 100% sure when this changed but i went through some transformation at some point and now i just don't. i want you to know all the wonderful things, the way i want to cry sometimes because i'm so happy. i want you to know that i have met the man i am sure God created for me. i want you to know, most of all, that i have fallen in love with life. not that there was ever a time when i didn't love my life, but there were times when i was sure that the uphill struggle was part of some learning process. and that the sadness, or sometimes relief, i felt after every bad relationship was part of the journey. i see now i did it to myself.
i am working exactly the schedule that i want right now, looking to get some part time work doing home health or hospice care for a little extra vacation money. i applied for my passport yesterday so that in august my boyfriend and i can go somewhere exotic.
as for my boyfriend....can i brag a little? ;) i remember the night i saw him in the ER where i work. i looked up and there he was, across the nurses station looking directly at me. it's as if the whole world stopped for a brief second. i didn't smile at him, i just looked. i remember that night a patient of mine died and i was heartbroken for the family. one second the patient was talking with his family, laughing. we asked the family to leave the room to do a routine procedure on him and when we started his heart went into a fatal rhythm and a couple of minutes later we pronounced him dead. sometimes things like that don't get to me, that night i cried. i felt responsible for him. but it made me feel ultra-romantic, the way i get when someone dies...when i remember that life is too short and that we should take advantage of every moment. after that i walked over to the area where my at-the-time future-boyfriend was and made a flirtatious comment, smiled and walked away.
6 months later, almost, here we are. madly in love. and i just can't quit smiling.

we are silly together.

social butterflies.

and my favorite, on easter sunday at brunch.

inspired

2009-03-23T11:15:00.000-07:00

i had a thought yesterday while sitting in a church, a non-denominational church..."you can never progress with a closed mind."
so many thoughts going through my head right now, about life, about religion and about relationships. i am intrigued by this church, Ecclesia houston. i was touched at their service, as different as it was from my own. no one was trying to force it on me, no one trying to convert me...it was a simple, open place of worship with poetic hymns and gripping prayers. and my final thought on it is, what if it's not just one place that fills your heart with Christ's love? what if we need a collaboration of people and places to guide us?
i am enthralled by my love interest. he's the first person i've dated that wants to talk. talk about life, about religion, about things that pertain to us and things that don't. we could talk about nothing and i am just as interested in hearing what he has to say about it. i am excited by him and sometimes in the middle of listening to him tell a story i think to myself, "wow, this guy is amazing." he is a breath of fresh air.
my job is the same and my contract is ending in april. i plan on working for another contract company which will allow me weekends off, time to travel and play around. i may have to work some nights but if i have the weekends off then i don't really care about what i work. i still love my job. i love the people i work with.
life is sweet right now. i find myself smiling more and more and people notice. i've been told more than once that i'm glowing. i don't think it's just Travis but a really a combination of feeling at home, feeling at peace and grateful for being alive.

back to normal...at least for now

2009-01-26T14:50:00.000-08:00

so the tiff is over, the hoopla behind us. another thing to make us stronger, at least that is what i'm hoping. he picked me up from the airport yesterday, vegan cookie and water in hand, and a smile on his face. the night went smoothly, the way our last sunday should have gone...i was given another chance.
so with this, i will bite my tongue. i have learned that we respond emotionally to things said or done because of our innate need to be loved, held, and understood. if you can get your hand on a psychology today magazine for the month of january/february you must read the article "hold me tight". it is amazing!

apologizing

2009-01-23T01:48:00.000-08:00

if you said something cruel to someone, how many times do you think you'd need to apologize before they would forgive you? or maybe saying sorry isn't what is going to be me back into their good graces. maybe i need a plan, the grand gesture, to prove that i can be sweet...to prove that i am really a nice person.
most days i would give the stranger on the corner the shirt of my back if i knew they needed it. i would give you my last dollar or if you liked something of mine, really liked it, i may just hand it over. then there are days where i am feeling low, emotional and a tad needy. i hate these days. i hate feeling weak and dependent and i fight like hell when i start getting like this...mostly in relationships. i don't know how to just fall in love. for me, getting into a relationship in the beginning is fun... exhilirating...butterflies and fireworks. then after awhile i start realizing that my emotions are involved and start freaking out. why? where did this come from?
i don't know what to do at this point. i am afraid that i am either going to do too much and freak him out or that i won't do enough.
the truth is though, i made a mistake and have apologized and will say i am sorry again, in person when i see him. and if he decides that this is bigger than an apology and he puts an end to what we had then i have no choice but to accept it.
but just so you know...i have learned a valuable lesson from this.

someone stop me

2008-12-20T06:15:00.000-08:00

it has becoming ridiculous now.
"him" and i went for a drink last night to the most low key bar ever. he was impressed that i knew of such a place, dark and quiet with the hint of jazz playing overhead. candles illuminated an upstairs area filled with leather couches and people making out spread randomly throughout. when we left he said he felt a little dirty, a little sleazy maybe...like he needed a shower. haha. "where did you find this place anyhow" and my answer, "um...a guy i used to date?" he just laughed, "i guess a place like this deserves to be recycled."
but in the middle of one of our conversations my hand found it's way to above his knee, it hovered. without any hesitation he grabbed my hand, softly and sweetly and kept it in his grip, the warmth of it radiating through my whole body. for a moment i was breathless, paralyzed and lost my train of thought. "continue" he said with a smile, clearly noticing my abrupt stop and, i'm sure, picking up on his ability to stop me mid-sentence.
there is an attraction there that is so intense. we could keep eye contact forever. we could talk about anything and there is no lull in our conversation and for this we are both grateful. i feel like i am losing control and my ability to stay level headed and instead can already feel the pull.
this is bad. this is very bad. but i cannot say that i am not enjoying every minute of it.

him

2008-12-18T07:28:00.000-08:00

what can i saw without giving away too much? i will refer to him as simply "him" until he can be revealed. right now it's still too early.
but i have to write it down, put it out there, the events from our first date. first dates are always fun, a mix of nervousness and excitement behind trembling hands. we are secretly hoping that we or they won't say anything that is a deal breaker. what are my deal breakers anyways? atheist, vegan-hater, close-mindedness, negativity. hmm..
it went well. he is the type that could tell his life story to passing strangers, the type to flash a smile at anyone walking by. he is witty, charismatic, a gentleman and doesn't believe is asking girls out via text, like my generation does. he is more conservative than i, both in his beliefs and with the physical which should make for a nice courtship. he is younger and a little more naive, a little more trusting but maybe a little more mature than i. i have become a tad cynical with men in general, scared to open up or give away too much. after the last one i promised i would be cautious. and i struggle with just giving in and having fun or being guarded and letting him earn my trust through consistency...proving himself.
i am somewhere in the middle and will probably stay there...having fun but letting him show me if he's really worth my time. as i will show him that maybe i'm worth his.
it could be nothing but a great friendship. only time will tell i guess. here is to just taking it day by day and enjoying it for what it is right now. really fun. :)

the roommate lotto

2008-12-17T06:28:00.000-08:00

the day i told The Attorney that i'd rather pass, i found yet another listing on CL (craigslist...get with the times). i had decided not to get my hopes up but it sounded pretty extravagant, big room, furnished, cheap and gay roommate with little to no rules about guests and eating outiside of the designated areas. over the course of less than a day at least 10 emails were exchanged and i found out, he is witty, single, fun and from rockport.
i met him 2 days later at the apartment/townhome and am not sure what i loved more, him or the apartment itself. it was pretty mutual, we hugged and he said "in a month i'll be living with you!!" and we both walked away convinced that i would be his new roomie for a good while if all goes accordingly.
so here i am again, excited to have found something, scared it will fall through, although he's assured me my move in date is pretty set (jan 16th) and nervous to see if it works out.
and as always, there is the possibility of someone new...yet again. it is really nothing yet except for text messages and pure flirtation over the phone. we have the witty banter that i so desire and he is drawn into the fact that i'm older (not by much) and to my dark hair/dark eyes. it is a mutual attraction with a foundation of honesty and openness with a hint of sarcasm. not sure what to think of it all yet, i guess we shall see. i will keep you, as always, posted of the latest adventures when they arise.
on a side note, at mass on sunday the priest spoke about Christmas. about how this time of year people tend to get stressed with traveling and gift giving and family. he spoke of the economy and how this year it is has only added to the sensitivity of the season. and then... "it isn't that Christmas has become secular, it's that it has become trivial," he went on to say that instead of seeing the joy that is the true reason for this December 25th, we are consumed with the food, and the money, and the gifts... i won't preach, it has never been my thing. i only ask that for a moment we stop and consider why it is that we really celebrate. "rejoice always," that is what the message behind his homily was, even in times of struggle, in times where the meaning of Christmas is blurred, we have so much to be thankful for.

me dijo que no

2008-12-12T06:16:00.000-08:00

so, i'm sorry to report that the room of my dreams is no longer. cry not for it is, in my opinion, a good thing.
i went to sign the contract and got to a section labeled "guests" and some questions arose. i have, in the past, had people stay over at my apartment, both girls and boys, and have never had to deal with the issue of a roommate. when i asked about said overnight guests he let out a long sigh and said, "well...i've never really run into that problem before." problem? so, yes, i see his point of view: he has a daughter who he doesn't want exposed to a certain lifestyle, he doesn't want someone living there for free should one night a week turn into 4 nights a week...etc. but here's mine, i'm almost 28 and don't feel the need to ask permission to have a guest stay over. if i'm paying rent somewhere then i should have the freedoms of living there without such rules as "no guests allowed."
it was an amicable split between my future-ex-landlord and i. this will make the 3rd place i've looked at that didn't result in a set place of residence. am i worried? no. i have my apartment until january 12th, and if push comes to shove and i find nothing that fits me then i will stay with a friend. plain and simple. it either fits or it doesn't but you cannot force it. and that's that.

excitement and sleeping

2008-12-09T14:44:00.000-08:00

here they are, photos of my future residence. i wish i could say it was MY house, but i'm only renting one of the furnished rooms upstairs (there are 5). there is a lovely garden in the backyard with a patio table where i picture myself drinking some tea/wine/water with lime slices and reading. he's not asking for a deposit, nor is he asking me to sign a contract for a certain period. if it doesn't work he doesn't want me to feel like i can't look for something that will work. but he says the room should be available until september, when a student is supposed to move in.
i'm excited about it. i can literally run to rice university's running trail, my most favorite place to run. i could walk to rice village to shop.
i'm too excited about it all that i haven't been able to sleep very well. hehe. :)
here's to staying in Houston, to settling somewhere that feels like home.

the exchange

2008-11-25T07:04:00.000-08:00

his body lay lifeless on the ER stretcher as we pounded on his chest and gave life saving drugs. it wasn't working. we knew the basics before he came in, 80 years old...CPR in progress. that's what they call it when the patient is coming in via EMS ambulance in the process of being resuscitated. we knew he probably wouldn't make it and had the body bag safely placed underneath the sheet to make it easier on the transition from ER to the morgue. how sad that we do this, already knowing that the patient will probably not make it?
for the first time ever in the history of my nursing i had a life changing thought. at the moment i most dread, the pronunciation of death...the time we declare a patient to actually be dead, i thought about the exchange from this life into the next. how amazing that i can be in the room at this time, when a person's soul physically leaves the body with his last breath and goes onto the after life.
i wrapped my fingers around his wrist and said a prayer.
and then just like that i walked away less afraid of death and more prepared for the next time.

these nights

2008-11-19T00:31:00.001-08:00

fall is here and i am already missing the sun. sometimes a whole day goes by and i've completely slept it away, realizing only too late that my morning is already my night. that's the hard part about working night shift.
but the nights that are my favorite sometimes start off this way. the air is cold and perfect for open windows, and lit candles and amos lee or madeleine, my two favorite singers for this time of year. music to calm and relax the soul.
but the nights that are my favorite usually include a workout at around 10:30pm to midnight. i will usually crawl into bed around 2am with a book, after taking benadryl (my sleep aid on most nights since i'm not used to a bed time before 7am) and i will read until i'm so tired that i can no longer focus.
how will i explain this to my future boyfriend? how will he ever understand my need for my late night workout, my love of reading until the early morning, my reliance on benadryl to catch some zzzz's? the problem is, i love this routine...it's one of my favorites. many could argue that night shift is hard on your body and it is. but i just can't get away from it yet.
and so here it is 2:35am. i worked out already and am just playing on the net. the rest of the world is asleep and it's only my lunchtime. this is my life right now and i'm so perfectly content with it. it just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. :)

i'm still here

2008-11-15T21:59:00.000-08:00

i haven't blogged in some time and thought i'd tell you i'm still alive.
i came home for the weekend and caught a stomach virus, from where or what i'm not sure. i'm guessing it was the chips and salsa that did me in, although i didn't have very much. or it could have been that i stayed up close to 24 hours, slept for three, got back up and went to a football game where tons of sick people probably were... and then slept only three hours before waking up violently ill.
as a nurse i knew all the things to do...maalox to help ease the pain. then after throwing up, knowing to only consume clear liquids. then i added saltine crackers and applesauce. i've moped around the house today in pajamas from last night, hair unwashed, still a little queasy...bummed that i didn't get to go out with my friends tonight. but i knew that exposing myself, while not completely back to my normal self, to a bar full of wild, rowdy people was a bad idea.
so here i am. blogging about being sick on my saturday night off. how fun.

already i love it

2008-10-13T19:11:00.000-07:00

i can't go in to great detail because i'm at work but i tell you this...i'm in love. i love it here, i love my apartment, i love the hospital where i work, i love the people that i work with and the crazy houstonians. i love the gym that i signed up at and the whole foods where i shop. i could probably go on for awhile, but i won't. i'll spare you the lame details of my houston life.
but i'm hoping that this works for me because it would be nice to be here...permanately.

wednesday thoughts....

2008-09-03T05:43:00.001-07:00

i came home yesterday from the store to find my bird sitting on top of her cage. outside of her cage. i had to chase her around the apartment living room, kitchen, hallway and finally laundry room to catch her. i kept thinking, "who came in and let her out?" then i saw it. her with her little beak, trying to open the door where her food is. she wants out. wants to be free, could we say "she get's it from her mama," seriously?
i'm not yet freaked out about living at home, i'm actually loving my activities on a day to day basis, get up, drink protein shake, go to the gym for a couple of hours, return home, watch tv, read a book, clean, eat, do nothing. i'm going today to finish signing paperwork for work so i can actually start working, i guess they're not in a rush to have me, this day has been pushed back for a week. i can't complain. i vacillate between wanting to work 3-4 days a week to wanting to work maybe only 2. i could survive on less than that. but do i want to? i guess we'll see how much i really enjoy it. i may explore other avenues such as labor and delivery nursing, just to see.
there was a boy for a week or so that i was smitten with. he was all wrong for me and maybe that's what attracted me to him. the bad boy. anyhow, i was upset yesterday because he said he couldn't give me what i wanted, couldn't commit his time to me. and needing to hear something positive i called a girlfriend. i asked her not to sugar coat the details, to give it to me straight and she said this "Stephanie, you know it wouldn't have worked out. In January you will leave and go on to bigger and better things and he will be here, in the same place he is now. You should be taking 10 steps forward, and by dating him you'd be taking steps backwards. you aren't for corpus, you will go on to the bigger city" and there it was. clarity. it could have come from anyone else and i wouldn't have listened, i would have refused to believe that this was a bad choice. i would have vehemently denied his lifestyle choice clashing with my own, but coming from her it was different. she said houston, she said big city. and with it came hope. hope that there is someone, maybe similar to him, that is better suited for me. he is out there, i just have to be strong. refuse to take what is offered from the ordinary joe's of the world and wait for the one who will offer me all that i deserve.
sometimes i forget who i am, what it is i'm looking for. until i talk to my girlfriends and they give it to me how i need to hear it.
"a true friend knows the song in your heart and sings it back to you when you have forgotten the words"

where did she come from?

2008-08-29T09:26:00.001-07:00

this year i watched the DNC. i have stopped using the grocery store's plastic bags and now use my own canvas bags. i don't eat meat or meat by-products and try to only consume organic foods. by the end of this year i am determined to buy a hybrid car. i no longer drink alcohol. and i have fallen in love with yoga and cycling class.
moving back home has made me stronger, made me a little more opinionated. i won't fight with you about who i am or the decisions i've made and i will respect that our views may differ. that's ok.
it just freaks me out a little that i am this person. i know that it, for sure, freaks out other people. some can't understand all the changes i made, they think they're silly and unnecessary.
but it feels good to be here.
i am enjoying my time back home. found a job but haven't really started working yet. there are times when i don't want to work a lot, but i need to start really saving money. i plan to apply to UT- houston school of nursing by november 1. i plan to, in january, move back to houston get an apartment and a job.
as for now i will continue the direction i'm in. love the one's i'm around and pray for strength and guidance to live in the moment, enjoy what i have and help those less fortunate.

a different view

2008-08-14T14:43:00.001-07:00

i read a book that's changed my life. changed my mind. changed my diet. completely changed me.
that being said, i'm healthier, happier and...well... skinnier. it wasn't the main goal, to lose weight, i knew it would come because i've been dieting for a year now, maybe more. but just because i'm a strict vegetarian (can't say vegan since i haven't changed the shoes i wear or how i dress, or the toothpaste i use or the deodorant i wear) doesn't mean i'm going to be skinny. there are overweight vegetarians and vegans too, it's not just all fruits and veggies you know.
i've added soy protein shakes into my diet as well, to help me gain muscle since i'm working out pretty intensely. i've given up soda, to the best of my abilities, because i can't stop thinking i'm drinking acid. i picture it rotting my teeth, and then creeping into my bones to deplete them of their minerals. i no longer crave meat, of any kind, milk or cheese. sometimes i want chips and salsa though, but i've given up fried foods as well.
and one thing that people don't get is why i've given up drinking alcohol. it's so widely used as a social crutch that people feel bad when they're drinking and you're not. this irritates me. i'm fine with water and lime. no i don't need a beer to unwind or a mixed drink to socialize with friends.
i will tell you this now, i've never felt better. seriously. and to me, that's really all that matters. happiness and health.

adult stephanie

2008-07-24T12:37:00.001-07:00

here it is, the last of the last shifts to be worked in nebraska. a big hug shared by coworkers, final chances at expressing your feelings, it's now or never...say what you want or hold your breath forever.
i would like to think, so far, this has been the best learning experience for me. profound growth has occurred here, a sense of money's value, a sense of self worth, an awakening if you will.
take me out of my element and let me work 4 days a week, get back to basics without any way to really cook except for a microwave. force me to take responsibility for all my actions up to now, credit cards are good in building your credit if your responsible with them. if you're not the balance builds up and towers over you like a skyscraper in a big city, until your forced to deal with it.
i read a book recently about a young girl who's parents divorce at a young age. in an attempt to make her parents feel better she hides all her feelings, lets them build up in the closet with her dirty clothes. instead of dealing with the hurt she figures she will look for acceptance and understanding elsewhere. through men. through sex. in a self destructing way she pulls people in and then spits them out, only wanting love but not allowing herself to fully love herself. i cried and the book wasn't sad in that manner, but to me it spoke volumes.
in an attempt to look for the answer, i bought a book by marianne williamson, inspirational author and speaker. she spoke to me directly. address your past, own up to it, know it has made you the person you are, take accountability for it and then let go. you are an adult, you are destined for greatness, you have always known this. God made you to enjoy this, the wonderful world he created, so enjoy it.
Mom told me to stop settling in relationships where the men are inadequate. know that i deserve the best, stop lowering the bar and be patient. Marianne tells me to know my own self worth. understand that i am beautiful and that my inner light will shine through and one day, he will come and he will see it. and it will be a beautiful paring of souls.
Uncle Rick told me about the government, gave me all the facts i needed and here i am. a democrat. a baby democrat, still learning the ropes of it all. i will, soon enough, have my own ideas...base my decisions on the things i've read, seen and learned through listening to others.
so there it is. adult stephanie. new thoughts on love and sex. money and the government. a renewed sense of self worth. the idea that here i am, 27 (in around 5 months i will be 28) and i am a fully functioning adult with the desire to make this my own. my own ideas on love. my own ideas on money. my own ideas on the government. you may not agree with it all. but it's ok, we are all adults here and we respect each other. the training wheels have come off, a little too late, but i will return to my home on my own two feet. i am proud that, after a year and a half, i've grown this much.
i have three shifts left. my items are packed and ready for their journey home. beatrice "queen bee" blue parakeet has no idea that she's about to be a texan.
move over world, here comes adult stephanie and her bird. and this time she's going to do things a little differently. in a good way.

pack my bags, send me home

2008-07-14T06:54:00.000-07:00

oh nebraska, how i loved your simpleness for a time. i loved the green, rolling hills that went for miles. i loved the fireflies that lit up the lilac sky. i loved how even the hot days had so much potential, 80 degrees and sunny, i will surely miss it. the smell of freshly cut grass, the way i could wander about without having to explain my actions, take a nap at 8pm, work out at midnight, wake up at 4am and start some weird cycle again, no one to disturb, no one to annoy with my 3am book reading most nights. the thing about travel nursing is the idea of being free, able to do whatever you want whenever you want. these things become routine, the randomness of my daily lifestyle. to tell you the truth i like the night shift, the way i come into a madhouse when i have enough energy to do it and then with the night calming down so does my demeanor.
i've gone off on a tangent.
the point is, my time is almost up in nebraksa. 7 shifts left, time to start packing yet again. a long drive back awaits me, along with family and friends on the other side. all i can see is home, all i want is to leave.
but i still have another week to go. how inconvenient for me, that i can be drawn so strongly to one place yet live in another.
if they fired me today i wouldn't even be sad.

fireflies and fire alarms

2008-07-07T05:43:00.000-07:00

i'm quite ready to come home, don't know if i mentioned that before. i heard a song last night on the internet radio at work and could totally picture myself and family dancing at my sister's wedding and i almost started to cry.
anyhow, i'm sick of working. i worked 5 shifts last week and 5 shifts this week and i've had two days off and they went by at warp speed and well...i just need a freakin break already. i tried waking up early the past two days so i could get my workout in and both days i've overslept. i guess my body knows better. yesterday right as i was in my first rem cycle i awoke to the shrill, very loud, fire alarm. at first, i thought, why is my alarm so loud? then i realized it was everywhere and i could here the thuds of people's heavy feet running down the hallway. instead of following, i called the desk and asked what in the world was going on. he said someone was making food and the alarm set off and we had to wait until the fire department came to turn it off. i was so tired that i crawled back in to bed, pulled the covers over my head, and despite the oh-so-loud-and-annoying-alarm i went back to sleep in a matter of seconds. i'm telling you, i. am. tired.
other than that, nebraska is beautiful this time of year, hot but green. the fields at dusk are so gorgeous against the lilac and pink sky and i've already seen my fair share of fireflies. as much as i'm ready to go home, i will truly miss the simpleness of living in such a small and honest town.
13 weeks down, 3 more to go.

ahhh...the corpus wind

2008-07-03T13:29:00.001-07:00

i can already feel it, the salty corpus air hitting my face. the air that is thick with humidity, choking almost, that leaves you sticky and uncomfortable when mixed with 90 degree weather. i picture myself on chris' balcony, water in hand, workout clothes on and drenched...my workouts will be at an all time high due to the warmer weather. i am picturing myself lying by the pool, diet coke and good book at my side, in the company of friends and family i love.
it's all too real now, the thought of going home, the idea that i will be back again amongst people i really love. and it almost makes me cry, because i haven't really given it much thought. i've been too preoccupied with making my own life that i forgot about those close to me, those who maybe would want to have me around for the holidays. but i'm glad that i am going now...in fact, in my mind, i'm already there.

life is short, live big

2008-06-30T15:59:00.001-07:00

i wrote this when my internet was on the fritz a couple of weeks ago. it turns out the lady was a con artist looking to scam money off the trusting and giving people of our hospital. it doesn't change the message though, read on.
June 5, 2008
A lady I work with told me last night that she has cancer; Colo-rectal cancer that has metastasized to her liver, ovaries and now possibly bone. She says the prognosis is bad, 6 months to a year at the most. She will leave behind a husband who has parkinsons and severe asthma and no medical insurance and their 18year old daughter. She is working on her list of things to do before she dies, on it so far is taking up smoking, which she’s done and cutting and dying her hair. Another lady at work said her grandfather, after being diagnosed with terminal cancer, decided he’d always wanted a dodge ram pickup and went out and bought one that same day.
Does it make anyone other than me sad that people need to hear that they are going to die before they really start to live? Why do we feel we need to get permission? You are going to die. There, it’s said….now live your life. Don’t wait until someone tells you, because you may not get the warning. I challenge you to make your bucket list today and start doing everything that’s on it that you possibly can. Life is far too short and way to beautiful to not take advantage of the “now”. You only get one life. One chance. Don’t waste it.

to vacay and back

2008-06-18T16:03:00.001-07:00

it went by too fast, the time away from nebraska, the time with my family. as always the day comes when reality hits and my flight seems all too close to departure and i am wishing for more time. i am greedy now, with my time. i don't know what i enjoyed more, the sights of new york or the time with my mom and uncle, when every small joke is something to laugh at, the happy go lucky's, that's us. that will be a hard vacation to top.
my internet was down for a week or so before i left and i was having blogging withdraws, so i would come home, type and save...ready for the day my internet was working properly.
here's one from two weeks ago.
At 3am my fingers become tiny icicles. When the people in the outside world decide they’d rather sleep than annoy ER nurses and our patient load comes to a screeching halt, I start to freeze over. Lack of movement, lack of sleep, bad circulation…a problem I’ve decided isn’t a result of one but many things and this annoys me. Not the lack of patients or the lack of movement, I’m content just sitting around reading but I’m annoyed with the freezing fingers. Inevitably someone comes in, my fingers find their way to the patient’s unsuspecting skin and a comment is made, “my! your hands are so cold” or “DO YOU HAVE TO TOUCH ME WITH THOSE ICEY FINGERS?!?!”…it’s one or the other, but it’s always something. I have decided to carry gloves around with me, at work anyways. It could be 80 degrees out and I’m the nurse on the inside with the thermal shirt under her scrubs, the hoodie over them and the gloves covering her hands. You think she’s crazy, she thinks she’s smart, both of you are part right.
I bought speakers for my IPOD which I took to work to listen to during these times of utmost boredom. Today I sang “how deep is your love” at least 20 times. The song, remade by The Bird and The Bee is on the SATC soundtrack and I’ve made everyone at work listen to the whole album numerous times. I sang it without realizing how incredibly beautiful the lyrics are,
“I know your eyes in the morning sun
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain
And the moment that you wander far from me
I wanna feel you in my arms again

And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love and then softly leave
And its me you need to show

Chorus:
How deep is your love
I really need to learn
cause were living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me

I believe in you
You know the door to my very soul
You’re the light in my deepest darkest hour
You’re my savior when I fall
And you may not think
I care for you
When you know down inside
That I really do
And its me you need to show”
I should be asleep right now instead of copying and pasting lyrics onto my blogspot. I needed you to know that my love is deep. And my fingers….well they’re still icy cold.

longing

2008-06-01T22:41:00.000-07:00

eight weeks has passed and i am still in nebraska. still.... well, i don't mean to sound bummed about it, although a small part of me is. all the things that i didn't like about this place have grown on me, its size, the weather, the non-existent cute boy problem, the lack of a nice shopping area. it's warmer now, a nice change from the cold, dreariness that it has been, however, now there are tornadoes that have come in to the mix. no bueno. still, i find myself wishing i were somewhere else, somewhere new, the eight week itch has hit and i'm daydreaming myself other places. i'm going on vacay soon to NYC and that will be a nice change, one extreme to the other.
also, i watched sex and the city yesterday and was blown away with how much the characters in the movie have grown. it really reminds me of the journey i've taken thus far, how i wanted to do something for me, to live wherever the wind blew me because i could. now i just want a place to call home, somewhere near a whole foods. i want to have furniture from ikea and a porch where i can drink red wine and listen to madeleine peyroux. i want to have friends over and make them dinner and play pictionary and scrabble...because i've evolved. not that i wasn't this person before, but i'm more this person now than i was before i left corpus. i have grown into a woman and it's somewhat scary, i'll be 28 in 6 months. i'll have my 10 year high school reunion next year, i just can't believe how quickly time has passed.
i have 8 weeks left in nebraska, i'm back at square one. but it will go by faster than the first time and i will be back in texas before we know it.

i'm still alive: part 2

2008-05-28T03:37:00.000-07:00

it has been too long since i've let you into my world, and for that i'm sorry. i've been busy working (i really despise 5 shifts in a row-more than that is ridiculous) and keeping up with eating right, exercising and fueling my reading habit that i've had little time for much else.
life is the same here, i'm saving up money, working with people who want to gossip and gripe about the littlest things. as i see it, this is temporary and at the end of my two more months here i go home. i find very little need to become upset about things out of my control. that's the way i am, complacent. i am satisfied with where i am, with what i'm doing that unless there is a threat involving me directly, i'm happily unaware of what's going on. let them gossip. let them be upset about scheduling, i'll work with it, it's only 2 months.
i'm going on vacation to new york in june and am looking forward to spending some time in the big city, in a regular hotel. i will take lots of pictures this time because i'm skinnier than the last time i went. well, i'm trying to lose another 10lbs but we'll see, so far every time chocolate is in my face i go a little overboard.
and i guess the biggest thing is, living in a small city makes you really appreciate smaller, big cities. lincoln and corpus are comparable in size and i have learned that i don't need a million options. a million options drives me crazy and i become overwhelmed. so i'm really looking forward to going back for a couple of months. and then from there, who knows. i'd love to say i want an apartment in austin, i want to go back to school. i want to take a class on history and one on art. i want to minor in english so i can hone my writing technique. yes, eventually i'd like to write a book.
i'd love to continue to travel, i want more than anything for 3 more months in california but i should leave well enough alone. i did it, i enjoyed it, move on. what if i go back only to find it's nothing of what i remembered and be disappointed? no, i'd rather not.
let's stay on track stephanie. corpus, austin, school. this is the way it will be....i'm hoping.

i'm still alive

2008-05-26T07:12:00.001-07:00

i know it's been awhile but just so you know, i'm still alive.
it's tornado season here in the midwest, the warning and watches are daily now from thunder storms to you guessed it...tornadoes. i'm not enjoying it, everyday i wake up and look at the sky. i've been told it will be a shade of green/yellow i will never forget.
change subject.
work is getting busier. the crazy weather is freaking people out and they are showing up with all sorts of serious complaints from respiratory to cardiac to plain, old non-urgent stuff. it's fun when the hospital is busy for a change, it makes the time go by much faster than one patient for twelve hours. i mean, reading is fun and i love that this job has allowed me to read more, but jeez. unless i've got a book that is mesmerizing, i end up staring at the other nurses for 12 hours and that gets old fast.
change subject.
i went home to corpus for a weekend to celebrate my best friends birthday. it was nice to be there for a couple of days, the weather was hot and humid but a welcomed change from the dreary wet, cold that has been the norm in nebraska (aka ne-brisk-a).
change subject.
i'm tired. i just finished working 5 shifts. before that i was in corpus. before that i was working 4 shifts (maybe 5, i can't even remember). i need a break.
i will write more when i have rested. i just wanted to let you know i'm still here.

the good nights

2008-05-08T21:38:00.001-07:00

these are my favorite, the nights that end in a glass of red, a good book and madeleine peyroux's voice filling the air. the nights when i'm most at ease, when i can exhale and be happy with the decisions i've made thus far.
my extension in beatrice has left me giddy at the thought of saving a little more, and the possibility of going home after this. and by home, i mean, corpus. i would like to be able to spend the last month before my sister's wedding planning and helping out, i would like to make something divine for thanksgiving dinner and not have to work at all that weekend, doing crafts with my mom and cousin, watching movies with my sister and listening to family talk. i miss our conversations. the one's about absolutely nothing and everything that leave my cheeks hurting from smiling so wide. i would like to enjoy the holidays off for once, spending the times admiring my family, who i feel i have taken for granted. traveling has been fun and quite an experience and although a part of me wants to move back to california for a little while, i think it's best if i settle down. i can vacation those places, right? all i wanted to say was that i traveled, i saw california, arizona and nebraska. and i did. i was afraid but i didn't let fear overcome me.
i am proud of all that i have done, what i have accomplished and where i have gone in the process. my goal was to pay off my bills and i'm working hard at getting that done. i will move back to corpus at the end of this contract, stay in my friend chris' apartment on the island and work when i want to to pay for my car and other expenses. maybe some weekends i'll go to the valley and work to make a little extra money (thanks Mom for the idea) and we'll see where i go from there. maybe i'll be a travel nurse but strictly for texas.
i am excited. i am ready. and most of all i can't wait to go home.

a reason for everything

2008-05-06T12:17:00.000-07:00

so the irvine gig didn't pan out the way i'd hoped. it didn't pan out at all actually. i'm sort of bummed and sort of relieved. they wanted me to do 6 months there and i was almost sad about it. do you believe that everything happens for a reason? that someone has a plan for us beyond our knowledge? well, i'm grateful it didn't work out. i know there is something better planned for me.
better as in, probably staying in nebraska...making the big bucks. :) saving a little more, paying off a few more bills.
on a side note, while i was working out yesterday a man hit my car while it was parked in the gym lot. i watched the whole incidence from atop the treadmill, terrified of what i'd actually witnessed. i watched as he got out and surveyed the damage, still unsure if he'd actually hit it and damaged it or just scraped it.
this is where people differ from me.
i walked out almost upset that he'd gone to drive off, he stated he needed to drive around to "cool off" but i know had i not walked out he wouldn't have come back; maybe he was hoping no one noticed. all i saw was his beat up pick up, his blue collar look, i saw his hands were shaking and i could hear in his quivering voice that he felt bad. he asked if i wanted to "swap information" and for a little while i went back and forth on the matter. the damage isn't bad, a scratch that saturn can probably buff out. in my opinion it's just a car and things could have been worse.
i called the gym after leaving, and since everyone knows everyone in this tiny town i told the gym owner to go find "steve" and tell him i wasn't reporting it after all.
call me crazy or dumb, i really don't care. i can afford to get it fixed myself. steve probably only had liability on his old, beat up truck. he looked like he could barely afford the lifestyle he was living. so i let it go.
i firmly believe in karma, do something good to someone and eventually it will come back around.
yesterday wasn't a good day. i'm hoping today is a little better.

does this upset you?

2008-04-30T06:11:00.001-07:00

remember when i hated california? and when i was there, how all i wanted was to be back in texas? yeah, i know, me too.
it's funny how life turns around the way it does. because right before i left i made a strong connection with Julia, my favorite claremont/st. joseph's nurse. and well, it was different then.
now, or at least by the time i go back (wait for it) i will only be paying on my car and my student loan. i will have money to do things, vacation, save, whatever... it will be easier. it was different when all my paycheck was spoken for and i couldn't enjoy it. i will enjoy it this time.
does it seem impersonal to you if i inform everyone all at one time? that i don't email or mail certain individuals first hand to let them know (like mom and crys who know my every move before it's made) before others?
i called my recruiter with access and asked if there were any positions available in irvine, ca (where i was from april-december) and she said they'd love to have me back.
the small details are being worked out, dates to start, pay, location of apartment, et cetera.
it will no doubt be different this time. i already know the hospital, the location, the people. i know what to expect and what not to expect and i'm prepared. it's not final yet so don't start freaking out or planning your vacations. give me time to get it all situated and i will give you all the little details.
but this time...i'm excited. very excited.

all of a sudden

2008-04-29T05:48:00.000-07:00

how is it that a girl dependent on diet coke, unable to make any type of food, who spends most of her money at the mall can change all at once? i tell you this...it's possible.
i've finally given up diet coke (i know, can you believe it?) and i've started taking a mutli vitamin. i am exercising daily or every other day including my new balanced eating plan. it's not a diet really, more like every meal includes whole grains, a veggie and some sort of protein. usually the snacks are fruit and dairy (the greek blueberry yogurt by oikos is now my fav!!) and i've started drinking tea with milk and honey. what's up with that? not to mention my savings account has more money than i've ever seen in it (of course, don't be impressed...i usually don't have much) but i'm getting there. AND my favorite part is...even though i don't have anywhere to make food i made hummus.
ok, don't laugh, i know hummus is merely mashed chickpeas and garlic, but hey...i'm becoming more creative. i would love to say i'm making more and soon i will, but there's only so much you can make in a microwave. i brought the george foreman but i feel a little guilty about bringing an appliance that's not approved to be in the hotel. not because it's not supposed to be here but because i'm super clumsy and could see the smoke alarm going off while using it, in turn having to explain why i was trying to make chicken and cheese quesadillas in it.
i have one month left here and i'm tempted to stay but i seriously can't survive in this hotel room. i need a stove. and a sink to wash dishes that isn't also where i do my hair (because i accidentally knocked over a glass soaking a spoon covered in peanut butter-organic- and it was all over my scrubs) and i also need a bigger trash can.
and although once june comes it will be warmer here, i need the ocean...again. so i called my recruiter and asked if irvine regional had anything posted, i may also look into northern cali (particularly in monterey) and we'll see.
one last thing...i'm a mommy now. yes, her name is blondie and she is everything i'd imagined she would be. i'm still learning about here and it's very difficult but i know eventually i'll get the hang of her.

the good life

2008-04-20T23:46:00.001-07:00

when i arrived in nebraska i was expecting flat land. i expected a small town with no mall or personality and figured i'd be doomed for 8 weeks. what i got was a glorified motel room with a tiny fridge and one sink (where i do my make up AND wash my dishes). the room faces the main road thru town and i figured most nights i'd hear nothing but traffic.
i have one word to describe it all, my thoughts and ideas about this city and state: misconceptions.
i was wrong.
i am truly blessed to be here, my first assignment where i'm doing something right. i came with the intention to pay off my credit cards, become a grown up and learn to appreciate money. i made sacrifices and hoped that i was doing the right thing in coming here and THAT has been the only thing i've been right about.
i work in a small ER, smaller than any i've ever worked at and i get paid more than i ever have to sit and read or watch tv for the majority of the night. the people i work with are kind and it seems that all they do is want to take care of me, their kid sister or adopted daughter. i'm the youngest in the ER but i've made an impression on them with my sense of maturity.
and let me tell you about this city. yes it's small and the mall here is depressing, but it has everything i need for survival. i have a hotel with free cable and free internet. i have a gym and a place to buy groceries that's clean and not crawling with nasty people (this wal-mart is nicer than many i've shopped in). and the big city that has a mall is no more than 30 minutes away and the drive is spectacular. and flat land?! ha! southeastern nebraska has rolling green hills for miles that are beautiful beyond belief.
i don't have much longer it seems before this will be over and then what, i have yet to find out.
here's is a picture of me and the guys from work enjoying a margarita at playa azul, our one mexican restaurant. it was an enjoyable dinner.

the high five dilemma

2008-04-11T20:59:00.000-07:00

there are two types of people: those who high five and those who don't. i am the former and not all too happy about it.
sometimes people at work or out in the everyday world say menial things, sometimes not even requiring an enthusiastic response, and i find myself raising my hand to high five, immediately ashamed that i have done so. even when it could be validated as acceptable and i raise my hand, i blush with embarrassment. is the high five so 1990's? i mean, that's when i remember it was really cool and appropriate at times, but now? in the 2000's is it still? i can usually tell by the response (usually facial reaction) of the person opposite my high five request if it's a little too cheesy.
well, i am also the type of person who laughs at their own jokes. who finds little things funny and will laugh a little too loud. and sometimes i snort when i laugh really hard.
what can i say? does that make me a little nerdy?
yes.
it's snowing here in nebraska. i keep checking my window to see if it's piling up on the ground outside but still nothing yet. it has been snowing intermittently all day and the first time i realized that what was falling was snow i almost cried. this world is very different, people are different. things are much simpler here and i'm enjoying the change in pace. i am the youngest nurse in the ER, the others ranging from mid 30's to late 60's and they're all sweet. and they don't mind when i want to high five. ;)

a blog for goodbye

2008-04-03T12:46:00.000-07:00

here we go again, boxes packed, gas tank full, apartment empty but filled with memories. all the things i go through everytime the assignment's over, the goodbyes and hugs and tears. i will be back, it's a promise, maybe not right after this next assignment (wouldn't california in the summer be divine?) but in september for sure. houston or austin.
there are so many things about this city i'll miss. lately i've become addicted to running around rice, the nice, shady trees, the beautiful people sharing the same path, all of us sweaty and in our own world of determination.

here, as opposed to yuma, there are endless possibilities for great sushi. my favorite? aka on west alabama. their seaweed salad and bricktown roll are to die for!

then there are the less superficial things, things other than food and working out.
things like friendships made, people who've created their own little space (or big) in my heart.
Sarah (aka Weezy) was one of my best friends in houston. our nights out together usually included the above favorite sushi place and a night of drinking wine and dirty vodka martinis (my new drink of choice, other than red wine). her smile, her infectious laughter and everything about her is positive and i will miss her goodhearted nature.

then there's the family, being close to those i love most.
the little girl who makes faces identical to mine, who is silly and ridiculously smart and can always make me laugh. she is my mini-me and i'm going to miss her a million times more than her 5year old mind could fathom.

of course there are other family members i love and will miss, my dad and stepmom and my joshua. my uncle rick and aunt amy.
and then the trips home....oh the trips home. i will miss being close to corpus and my friends and family. but it was fun while i had it available. and i can't wait to settle in texas for good so that it's easier to do this.

and then there's him. a big part of the reason i came in the first place. i can't blog anymore about how much i like him, about how he's won my heart... it didn't work out that way. but he was a learning experience, a realization of what it is i really want and need. and although it was also the thought of him that has pushed me towards an assignment away from texas, i can now appreciate the experience, we learn from our mistakes.

so maybe it isn't a blog about goodbyes, but instead, see ya later. a blog about how this city made me fall in love with so many things that i haven't in previous towns. everything here is wonderful and now that i'm getting ready to move it makes me all the more ready to move back when i'm finished playing.

tornado valley

2008-03-26T03:21:00.000-07:00

the first images that were returned on google for my next assignment in middle of nowhere, nebraska were impressive. pretty green fields, quaint farmhouses and small town churches wowed me. then came the other photos... mainly photos of tornados.
um.... yeah.

i am all for going new places and experiencing new things. i am looking forward to living in a really small town and working in a small hospital. i'm sure i'll learn a lot about working with one other nurse and a doctor and am hoping i don't hate it.
i'm excited about the drive and, this time, am going to pack light. seriously. i am leaving on the 5th, maybe the 4th.
here's to making money so i can pay off all my bills. and then maybe going to california for 3 months so i can play again. hehehe.

a sad easter

2008-03-23T06:12:00.000-07:00

sometimes i think that ER nursing has gotten the best of me; that i have become worn and lost my patience with people who really need help. a month or so ago i had a patient die and she had just had a baby and for some reason it didn't even faze me.
tonight i proved myself wrong as i walked away crying from a family member.
she was young, older than me, in her early thirties and pregnant. not quite ready to deliver, she was shy of her due date by a couple of weeks. she told her boyfriend she had a headache, took some tylenol and then went to lie down. they laughed before she fell asleep, about what i don't know. he made a big deal about it, "i was just laughing with her earlier", it was all he kept saying. the truth is that may be the last time he sees that smile of hers. she didn't really wake up from her nap, she woke up but something was wrong. she wasn't acting right, looking around and not speaking.
they will probably do a c-section today to save the baby. she has a massive bleed in her brain which is unoperable and she may not survive. when her parents and sister showed up i could only stay in the room for minutes at a time, they didn't know how bad it was and i could only tell them so much. but what i refused to say, what i couldn't say, was that she probably wouldn't live. it would have killed them all.
i hope i'm wrong and that she miraculously pulls through. it would be nice if she could raise her daughter with her boyfriend, but i don't think she will. and the thought of that family spending their whole day in an ICU waiting room filled with strangers, knowing their daughter may not live to see her daughter kills me.
it goes to prove that our bodies are fragile and life is not guaranteed.
to my family and friends, I love you very much and hope you have a very Happy Easter. i am hoping tonight i won't have such sad stories to re-tell.

the rainbow

2008-03-22T02:18:00.000-07:00

i've been thinking a lot lately about who i am and where i've been. the whole funk about the almost-relationship has passed and i'm not nearly as lame as i was. a couple of days i spent catching up with my mom's best friend, aka my aunt, and bummed a couple of meals and a couple of movies off of her. i stayed the night in a house that i have considered my home for a long time, felt comforted in the fact that things could have been way worse. recently i spent a weekend (more like a week) enjoying the company of my family and friends in corpus and enjoyed every minute.
and i don't know yet where i'm going next, i almost could care less about the location. i'm concerned about money right now. i want to pay off my debt, get it out of the way. be able to work and know that at any moment i have enough money to go on vacation or take a plane ride somewhere if need be. buy a condo or townhome and a dog, i'm ready for it. i want to call texas home, go to work at a surgery center and go back to school. it's decided, but i can't yet. i'm not quite there, but i'm determined to be.
mark my words: debt paid off by september. it's going to happen. and i can't wait to finally settle somewhere.

the offer

2008-02-27T22:48:00.000-08:00

what you offered was ho hum when i wanted butterflies, white gold when i wanted platinum. there's nothing wrong with mediocrity but that's not me. i want hot, not lukewarm. say you want something and go for it, fear will inhibit you only if you let it.
i am not afraid to go after what i want, even when it means i'll be all alone. even if it means i am putting myself in danger. i don't believe in "but i'm scared", to me that's an excuse.
there are people who live their lives in a gray area, the safe area. and then there are others, who decide they want more. they need more and go after it.
i wanted so much for it to work out but i won't settle for mundane i want extraordinary.
and so at this time i'm walking away. sad that it didn't work but hopeful that someday someone will offer me all i want and more.

the in between

2008-02-22T03:11:00.000-08:00

i'm at a crossroads and there is a decision to be made: stay or go. it's hard for me, after being so travel-oriented, to change my mind-set and sign on at this hospital. it's what i want, i think, but i'm finding it challenging to grasp the concept of "for good", it's almost too hard to even type it. yikes. i love it here, houston. i love the people and the fast paced hospital and the ever growing list of things to do daily. i love the way the air is warm and humid and smells like big city.
but i miss my trips to algodones, mexico, (from when i lived in AZ) eating greasy tacos-most likely dog meat and drinking sol or cheap margaritas.i miss living in a city small enough to get anywhere in 5 minutes and the dry heat and cold dessert nights. i miss the view of the pacific from huntington beach pier and i miss people watching at laguna beach. i hated the traffic but driving on "the 5" and "the 405" amongst other californians, enjoying the ocean and the mountains and being able to say for awhile i was a part of it all is unreal. when i left corpus i just wanted to be able to say i lived somewhere else, somewhere all by myself. and now i can.
and it's time to become an adult, make a commitment to somewhere so that i can go back to school and better myself. there is an opportunity presenting itself and if i don't take it and attempt a normal lifestyle i'll get sucked back in to another travel position, somewhere different.
i am caught between wanting something steady and craving the excitment of a new place to call home. i won't leave, not yet. but the guy i'm seeing was in california for the weekend and hearing him describe the weather and the view and even the john wayne airport made me miss it all.

curiosity killed the cat

2008-02-12T21:12:00.001-08:00

i'm the type of person that is curious. i want to know more about everything, about people and why they are the way they are. with writers whose books i read, i want to see pictures and learn more about how they grew up, their relationship status and what they did after writing their book.
sometimes the curiosity can get me further, like at work when i get more involved with traumas. i ask questions about how we do things, what i'm looking for and become a better nurse as a result.
and then there are the times when i need to not be so curious. a blogger/author named stephanie klein wrote recently in her blog about a book called the book of us in which couples can learn more about each other by talking about things they wouldn't normally. there's a section for sex and one for their childhood and then there's one for past relationships. stephanie said she didn't even want to go into that chapter with her husband at the time (now they're divorced and she calls him the WASband). but with me i'd want to know everything. it sounds horrible but i've been conditioned to look for clues, little things that would let me know my significant other was lying or cheating. with Art i became obsessed with his phone bill and his call log only after i knew he was cheating. i wanted to know about his ex and what she looked like and if she was the type of person to cook him food or if he liked to buy her flowers. i wanted to know EVERYTHING until it hurt to know everything and i would then back off. and i would be miserable from it.
but when you've been so used to looking for problems and waiting for something bad to happen for so long it becomes hard to stop the behavior. you are constantly prepared, cautious, observant, guarded.
after constantly pushing people away, does it ever become easy again to let go and fall in love?

a proud moment

2008-02-04T02:57:00.000-08:00

i sit here blogging from work, a sense of pride building within me. i assisted with two trauma codes today with little to no feeling of passing out or becoming ill. the first trauma code was a 32 year old male who had a motorcycle accident. he was showing off to his girlfriend behind him, with no helmet at that, and lost control. he was puleless and not breathing on arrival, his left leg looked like jello because his bone was broken. his face and chest were scraped and dirty from the road and blood and he was pale and lifeless. still i stayed in the room, worked the code, did chest compressions and had no problem. he ended up dying. he was the first patient i actually looked at and messed around while he was already dead. i moved his leg and felt his chest and his face. his leg looked really freaky.
the second trauma was a 24 year old male with multiple stab wounds to the chest, stomach and arm. he had his bowels coming out of the wounds which were pretty neat to look at. i can't lie, when he came in i was worried that i wouldn't be able to handle it. but i started by just concentrating on the IV, then eventually i was able to look at him without feeling sick. it was pretty amazing when we sent him to OR and then later found out he was fine.
i'm doing better with traumas, a couple more months here and i'm sure i'll be sick of it. it does take a lot out of you and already i've asked some co-workers out for a margarita after work today, a 7am margarita.
i will keep you posted on what else i see. it's way crazy here.

hyper-independence

2008-02-02T02:30:00.000-08:00

there is a consequence to every action. someone cheats in a relationship and the other partner is left feeling incompetent. it's funny to me how one person can have such an affect on your psyche.
at one point in my life, actually two, i thought i'd get married to the most wonderful guy. the second time i wasn't only wrong but way off. he was cheating and i found out from a phone bill. the second time (can you believe after the first time, there was a second?) i found out through a friend of a friend. the point being, i still, very clearly, remember the feeling of utmost devastation.
i go through this every time i get into a relationship with someone. the feelings that i thought i'd dealt with come creeping back into my mind as if i'd never dealt with them at all. and my trust issues have to be addressed and re-addressed as if i'm a child being taught what trust is for the first time. i have been given the wrong information on relationships, from first hand experience (the yelling, fighting and verbal abuse) to literature (like cosmo and why men love bitches) and i feel none the more enlightened. well, i do until i'm smack dab in the middle of a relationship and i throw it all out the window.
i know to keep my independence, my friends and my sense of being. and i know that the other partner in the relationship should do the same.
my situation is simple, i like him a lot. i want to see him all the time. and i don't like it, i don't like that i feel needy. i don't like that he has some sort of power and control over me, not that i let him. i have been single for so long, or not in a relationship where i felt like this, and i have forgotten what it was like to "let go" and enjoy it.
and i want to enjoy it.

i remember when

2008-01-28T03:01:00.000-08:00

i remember when i lived in corpus and all i wanted was to live somewhere else. then i moved to arizona and at around 2 months into it i was ready to move to california. i dreamed about living there and going to the beach. i was excited when i attempted snowboarding and envisioned myself spending weekends in winter at some posh ski resort. i then moved to california and quickly realized that the lifestyle there didn't match my own. i'm not into fashion or cars or fancy things and i was definitely not a knockout as were the socal girls. after 9 months i realized that i missed my family and friends and everything i'd left behind.
haven't you already heard this story?
the other day while i was at a concert with "the gentleman" (the one i'm extremly infatuated with) i looked around and thought, finally i'm somewhere i want to be. and i wouldn't say it's ONLY because of him but he has made it a much nicer transition. i LOVE houston. i don't want to leave. i am a million times happier than i was in corpus, arizona and california...combined.
and for once, i love the ER. the people here are so friendly, like i-want-to-give-you-a-hug-friendly.
ahhh... a huge sigh of relief. i have missed this content person.

untitled

2008-01-21T12:12:00.000-08:00

have you ever met someone and knew instantly that you'd be friends forever? without even knowing much about them such as their middle name or what their childhood dreams were? all you know about them, other than their first name, is how they laugh, their ability to be witty and confident in the middle of a large crowd, the way they stand out in a group as if they have some neon light under their feet illuminating their smile. and you know, without too much thought, that they were going to be your new best friend, or if it were a guy maybe you're boyfriend.
i do this often. i know almost immediately when i want someone in my circle of friends. i would say i'm picky about who i hang out with too, i don't want just anyone.
but i hate getting like this with guys. thinking too far in advance, putting too much pressure on them without even really thinking about it. but it's hard when you meet someone that is so great that no matter what you're doing the thought of them is always there.
i said this before about a certain someone in california. i thought he was the cat's meow but he turned out to be way less. and there were things i didn't like about him that i ignored: his beliefs on religion, his cube and they way he talked over people's heads.
this is different. and this time i don't want to get ahead of myself. i don't want to let you in just yet. i think he's great though. and so far, that's all you need to know.

the photos

2008-01-09T15:40:00.000-08:00

here are some pics from the move. i was lucky enough to have two very strong men help load and unload the monstrosity of a bag that was attached to the roof. the car was jam packed with boxes of clothes, books, hangers, and kitchen items.
enjoy!

home

2008-01-08T19:32:00.001-08:00

the move has been made, boxes unpacked. i spent what seems like a million hours in a car to make it though and i can honestly say, it was well worth it. i don't have internet connection in my apartment, i don't know if i'll hook it up or not. i think i spend too much time on the internet so in an attempt to free up wasted time on myspace, i won't have it connected. i won't have my cable connected either, lame i guess. or not, depending on how you look at it.
this city feels like home, even more than corpus. it's big and bright and gives the impression that it's full of life and fun and activities. i already know people here, already have family here so i guess it's just as much my home as anywhere. i've lived here before so it is familiar.
the apartment is just lovely and i feel so grown up in it. it overlooks the parking lot of another complex, a kind of ghetto one, but it's still nice. the gym is great, the internet is free in the business center along with a fax and printer.
tomorrow i start work and i'm excited and just as much, nervous. i am keeping my fingers crossed that everyone is friendly and welcoming, but then again, that's a lot of pressure to put on people. or myself to be the accomodating one.
i must though, thank my mom for making the drive with me. it was long and grueling and at one point dangerous (haha, thanks mom!) but i enjoy spending time with her. she endured my ghetto fabulous music and made the trip way more enjoyable.
i will upload photos of the move and the car on the next entry.

a chapter ends

2008-01-02T05:03:00.000-08:00

it's 5am california time, 7am texas time and i'm just going to bed. they let me go an hour early from work, my last shift there, so i could come home and continue my packing.
the boxes are now neatly piled in one corner of the room and i've narrowed down what i have to take back. i also have a "maybe" pile consisting of a long mirror,a fan, a kitchen trash can and a broom. these are things i could throw or give away and buy again in houston so they're not taking up an enormous amount of space in the backseat. my clothes have been rolled so tight into balls and shoved in bags to make room for the ever-growing wardrobe of mine.
i didn't cry tonight when i said goodbye to my coworkers, i didn't think i would. there were times when i hated the hospital where i worked. the people were sometimes cruel and two faced and not as friendly as i'm used to. but it made me just a little stronger and for that i am grateful.
9 months have come and gone and my assignment is now officially over in california. i am headed back to texas, to the family, to my pregnant aunt who's about to pop, to my friends and to the heat. i miss heavy southern accents and "maam" and "sir" and friendly smiles and big hugs.
i am ready for 27 and 2008 and another chapter in the life of this traveling nurse.

a new year, a new start

2008-01-01T04:49:00.000-08:00

i'm changing my name from stephanie to stevie. i've told my family and friends and now i'm telling the world. i also told a doctor at work who, at one point, started saying "stevie....stevie.... stevie..." then i finally responded. ha! my uncle had said it may happen, people actually using the name and me not responding. i'm that type of person though, kind of flaky, kind of ditzy. oh hell, very ditzy.
i just recently asked if you needed a passport to visit hawaii. yes, i know it's a u.s. state, that's what makes it worse.
i could say my resolution is to stop making ditzy comments but, honestly, who am i kidding?
the ER was horrible tonight. worse than i've ever seen it. i walked in at 3pm and the rack where we stick the charts from the patients in triage waiting for rooms was full from the top to the floor. there are probably 30 slots, so LOTS of people were waiting. including a 78 year old man with dizziness and his heart rate was 48. that is way slow, especially with no past history of heart problems and complaints of dizziness.
i spent the turn of the year in a patients room putting her on the bedpan. i then went to take it out and urine spilled all over her sheets and gown. i had to clean it all up and before i knew it everyone had already toasted with the faux champagne and plastic glasses i bought. needless to say i was irritated. oh well, i vow NEVER to work another new year's eve again. the rest of the night we saw mainly drunk people. i helped start a urinary catheter on a 28 year old man who was drinking and driving and in an accident. go figure. everything that came out of his mouth was straight up Scarface style. "you looking at me?" "what the expletive are you looking at me like that for" "hey officer, what the hell, who do you think you are" then he tried to start biting his neck brace off. sentences weren't making sense and his accent was just making me laugh. when we inserted the foley (urine catheter) he actually didn't do anything for a couple of minutes and then started squirming but he then said "man that felt good at first". i almost fell on the floor because i was laughing so hard.
we had 5 drunk patients in the ER when i left at close to 4:30am.
i'm tired and a little feisty and am ready for my bed.
happy 2008, may it bring on the best for us!!!

Christmas day in the ER

2007-12-26T04:04:00.000-08:00

two simple words that we take for granted on a daily basis are the words thank you. but today, as i took care of patients, i heard these words more often. patients in the Christmas spirit were upset that they were away from loved one's and parties and presents but found themselves surrounded by others who'd given up a day with family to work instead. and it's funny how people are, something like Christmas making them a bit softer, the spirit and joy of one man's birth who means so much can change a day from being nothing to everything. "Merry Christmas" and "happy holidays" being exchanged at the end of the visit, people smiling through their illnesses, today was different than most.
"thank you for working on Christmas" is what i was told by not one but two patients today. it could have been more. the first time i heard it i almost cried. people were grateful to have someone there to take care of them.
i may not have saved a life today but i shared a smile with many. the one who stands out the most is the lady in room 1. she was in her 70's and her blood pressure was really high (like 230/120 high). i gave her medicines and extra special care since she was by herself. we chit chatted a lot, she said i looked like her granddaughter and we gossiped about the ER tech working with me. i took a liking to her and when i finally took her upstairs and we got to her room she went to use the restroom. i gave the floor nurse her info since she was doing her business i started to leave. just then as i was about to turn the corner i heard her come out of the restroom and ask where i was and the nurse said i was on my way back down to the ER. i could feel the dissappointment in the air so i walked back in the room, wished her a Merry Christmas and gave her a hug.
maybe it's not allowed, maybe it's frowned upon. but i think the hug was both what she and i needed for Christmas.

death at the ER door

2007-12-23T04:34:00.000-08:00

the holidays are the worst for the ER. every one that i've worked in becomes over crowded and understaffed right around Christmas time, it's utterly ridiculous.
today was just one of "those" days. there is a full moon out, we were understaffed and i knew before going in to expect the worst since christmas is right around the corner. it wasn't bad at first, lots of crazy people though. i had the ROOM 1, the heart attack/stroke/crazy/seizure room. i also had room 6 and 7, just regular rooms (although any of the above can go in there, just not heart attacks, those are reserved for rooms 1 and 2. at 7pm i was surprised that we had 2 patients in the whole er, i was hoping it maybe would stay that way. I was wrong. way wrong.
at 8pm the bus unloaded and migraines, chest pains, difficulty breathing and crazy were all on it.
at 11pm i inherited another room since we were down a nurse and the second room (room 2) is our OTHER cardiac/stroke/crazy/seizure/any-thing-remotely-serious requiring a second crash cart, a pediatric crash cart and a neonatal warmer room, it was also expecting an ambulance.
this blog isn't intended to be my vent system but today i need it, so i'm going for it.
he was in his 50's with a history of asthma, he complained of stomach pain to his wife a couple of hours earlier and when she went to check on him at one point he was face down on the floor and blue, like not breathing blue. his wife FREAKED out (as any right person in their mind would) and called 911. she said it took forever for them to get there.
he arrived in the ER unconscious and being bagged (not breathing on his own) because he was so "tight", his lungs weren't able to get oxygen because all the airways were so small due to his asthma. the doctor quickly intubated him and we started him on medications to keep him sedated and comfortable. he had also lost bowel and bladder control so he was soiled and in need of a good cleaning (which was obviously my last priority but still a priority). i never left his room except to accompany him to CT to make sure it wasn't a stroke and then at 2am i took him to his ICU room, he was still dirty.
let's talk about being in a room with someone who's blood pressure is 220/130 and almost waking up, trying to pull out their breathing tube, listening to the alarms tell me he needed something stronger, listening to his wife ask me a million and fifteen questions and all the while inhaling the smell of liquid poo leaking from his rectum, which was soaking up the sheets. it's 4:50am and my stomach still hurts. i know his wife was concerned but i almost couldn't take it. at one point i turned to her and looked her in the eye and said "hon i know you're freaked out and you have every right to be. hell if i were in your position, even as a nurse, i'd be scared, but you have to believe me when i tell you that i am doing everything i can to make sure he's comfortable. i know it's scary but i need you to calm down". it lasted for 2 minutes and then she started in again.
i'm glad the night is over and that i have off today/tonight/Sunday. i work again monday, tuesday and wednesday which now seem like any other day but i know it's Christmas eve and Christmas day i'll spend with coworkers. but it's a day i chose to be there, unlike my friend in ICU room 2 that was admitted.
lets not forget there are people out there who will spend their christmas staring at a hospital wall with horrible cafeteria food. we should all be so lucky to spend it choosing whatever it is we want to do, alive and well.

my christmas wish list

2007-12-22T03:53:00.000-08:00

dear santa,
yes i know the list is late, what can i say? procrastinating is a quality that i seem to excel at. but here it is, better late than never.
1. please deliver a sign that will let my patients know the pain scale is from 0-10. 12 is not in that range, neither is 15 or 20. saying a higher number doesn't make me think they're in unbearable pain. it makes me think they're ignorant and missed the school lesson on how to count. that's funny, i didn't know 20 fell between 1 and 10, IDIOT!
2. please take the patient off your "nice" list that gives me an ugly look every time i go out to call another patient back. seriously her giving me a death glare won't get her back any faster.
3. i'd like also a sign that says "don't be mean to the nurses, they are the one's who deliver the medicines"
4. please deliver a doctor to work on new years eve that is fast and efficient (and maybe male- single, young and cute)
5. a doctor for me, personally like to be my boyfriend, that are also all those things: young and cute maybe not necessarily fast, if you know what i mean.

i guess that's all that i can think of for now. i work again tomorrow so there may be additions. thanks for all your help big guy!

you can't get me down

2007-12-20T02:37:00.000-08:00

i know it's Christmas time and the holiday itself is right around the corner. i know i won't be home, i'll spend the eve of, the day of and the day after Christmas at work. patients will be happy someone is there to take care of them, i'm sure. i'm not sad really.
i have a day planned with my girlfriend Julia and our friend Craig in Claremont, CA for a Christmas dinner on sunday. i will drink wine and be merry with the closest friends i've made since i've lived here. i am thankful for them and their offer to cook, since i probably will just watch them. haha! at least i will try to help.
today on my way in to work, as i was passing by the mountains i started smiling. a smile from ear to ear, so big i scared myself. even at a time when i'm away from the one's i love, i know in my heart i will be going home soon.
i didn't really take care of anyone interesting tonight. a couple of kids, lots of people with abdominal pain (seriously, what's going on out there?) and a couple of kidney stones. the ER was quiet and i was glad to be cut early (today's an extra shift). I'm almost back to normal but the doctor told me not to start working out to my full capacity since my lungs are probably a little worn from all the phlegm in them. i swear today i blew my nose for what felt like two mintues, it was non-ending snot. pretty visual i know, but hey, it's a great share. :)
that's all, i'm off to bed. 5 days away, i hope your Christmas shopping is done!

strep

2007-12-15T04:35:00.000-08:00

this past week has been rough on me, each day a little better than the one before. i have spent the majority of it though in bed or on the couch in my pajamas. i guess i started feeling bad on saturday or sunday. then monday i went to work for all of two hours and they sent me home. from monday until today, friday, i have eaten nothing but chicken noodle soup, saltine crackers, diet sprite and for dessert, tropical fruit cup in lite syrup. i've been on a strict regimen of ibuprofen, dayquil, muccinex and benadryl at night. and i've done nothing but rest.
the good part is i've been able to catch up on all my favorite shows: the hills, ace of cakes (i didn't even know i was a fan until recently), the real housewives of orange county, and saved by the bell.
here's the thing that sucks the most, there is no one to baby me here. i am by myself and although i have friends, i don't want to call anyone to come help me. i have to get up and go to the store and buy my own medicines, soups and sprite. if i had a boyfriend i'd make faces like i were dying and guilt him into going for me. or i'd call my mom or sister and beg until they gave in. i have strep throat, bacterial strep that is, the kind you need antibiotics for. i didn't think so but today at work i made the doctor check and he was positive that i had all kinds of pus in the back of my throat. how lovely.
now i just need to make it through this course of antibiotics and hopefully i'll start feeling a little more peppy.

the lady who cried hemorrhoid

2007-12-09T04:53:00.000-08:00

at first i thought she was just crazy. she came in complaining of hemorrhoid pain which everyone just laughed at. she wouldn't sit down, refused even, while in triage. she tried my patience because we all just thought she was making a big deal, which she probably was a little.
once brought back to the room she asked the charge nurse every five minutes for pain meds. she asked the registration lady twice. she wouldn't stop, she was in pain and wanted EVERYONE in the ER to know it.
she went to the door and cried out for her husband in the most pitiful sounding voice ever. her son, who was around 6 or seven heard his mother's cry from the lobby and freaked out, he wanted to see her and was crying at the top of his lungs "i need to see her, i need to see her" which really upset me.
how are you going to freak your own kids out? seriously, when you're in pain, that bad, you don't even feel like yelling. you have so much pain, even yelling hurts you. i should have known she was an exaggerator when i asked her about her pain level between one and ten and she said fifteen (the pain scale STOPS at ten...get it through your thick skulls people).
i finally got sick of her outburst that i told her she needed to try and relax, needed to try deep breathing. i started an IV and told her the doctor would be in soon and then i reminded her the hospital was a place of business and that she needed to try to not yell.
bad idea.
she got 10 kinds of upset and told me i was a rude little witch. she went on and on about how rude i was, how she was the director of wound care at a hospital. then the doctor came to my rescue and stood up for me and he ordered pain meds to shut her up.
i walked back in with the pain meds (strong ones) and told her i was sorry, that i didn't want to upset her but just remind her that getting anxious and upset would only make the problem worse and she apologized profusely for her behavior. we were both in the wrong. but seriously...she was overdoing it just a tad.
in the end she was admitted because she needed surgery to correct her hemorrhoids, apparently they were really bad.
lesson from the story: don't push when you're on the toilet because it causes hemorrhoids= painful poops!

i see dead people.....and it freaks me out

2007-12-06T04:00:00.000-08:00

i went in to work with the hopes that we'd be slow for a little while to allow me ample time to really wake up. 3pm seems like the middle of the day for most but when 4:30am rolls around and i am barely crawling into bed, 3pm is really my mid morning.
anyways, a patient arrived shortly after me that was a full arrest. he was in his 70's and had a large past medical history, i can't remember what now, but while eating soup he choked, or something like that. i guess i don't really know the whole story but he'd "been down" for around 20 minutes by the time he arrived. basically EMS had already tried giving medications although he had no IV and no ET tube, which now that i think about it...how the hell did they give it? so i guess they magically gave him medicines somehow but they didn't work. so he had no pulse and wasn't breathing when he got there.
we tried to start an IV which didn't work, and then an IV was established that DID work and by that time, really, what's the point? he'd been down for so long and if 4 rounds of epinephrine didn't wake him back up...then the sucker was just ready to go.
this is where the problem begins. i will work my tail off to save someone, i can touch them and go around them and look into their eyes with no problem while the code is going on (while we're working on the person). but the second the doctor pronounces death, i lose it. my mind does not want to comprehend that the person in front of me is no longer alive. i can't deal with their cold skin, their glazed eyes and limp extremities. every time someone dies in the ER i force myself in the room to try and help and every time i walk out nauseated and shaky like i'm about to have a panic attack.
give me blood and guts and all kinds of secretions from orifices that would gross most people out. sure i'll take that patient with a foreign object in their rectum, or a paper clip sticking out of their ear. bring the vag bleeding, COPDer, respiratory failure...just don't give me the dead person. or at least go in there and hold my hand through it because it just really, REALLY freaks me out.

one month away

2007-12-04T17:01:00.000-08:00

in one month i will be 27. i will also be driving back to the great state of Texas where i will reside for an unknown amount of time. you could say i get the love of moving from my parents who carted my sister and i around from city to city every couple of years. my grandmother once called me a gypsy because in the year 2006 i lived with my ex boyfriend, my mom, my ex-boyfriend again, my mom again, my ex-boyfriend yet again, my friend mandi and then my grandmother. then i got an apartment with my sister for probably a year, and then i decided i wanted to travel some more and left for arizona. i actually hope that sometime soon the desire to bounce around will subside and the "grown up" in me will start to want more than the smell of a new apartment, the excitement of a new city and the thought of a new start somewhere.
but the realness is there, i will be going home. i will be starting again and hopefully settling down. i can't say that this will be the last time i move, i hope to one day live in Austin, have a house close to the hill country with my husband where we sit on our porch and watch the sunset and our children playing in the yard while i make dinner, drink red wine and listen to jazz.
until then i will continue to apply for jobs in houston. i sit right now on the floor in my room with an empty plate next to me where a lean pocket used to sit, with three empty diet coke cans from earlier today(one for breakfast, one for lunch, one for snack) and a wrapper from a granola bar that i had for breakfast. my whole day has gone to the internet, yesterday too. they have been dedicated to the websites of st. lukes and memorial hermmann and methodist hospital. over and over applications are filled out, i've spoken with two recruiters today who promise they will be sending out my applications to other hospitals.
i have faith that something will come along. i would hate to have to spend thursday and friday (my other two days off) doing this again. i'm still in my pajamas, hair uncombed.
don't freak out mom, buy the ticket. i'm going to texas no matter what. someone, somewhere needs an emergency room nurse and i'm bound and determined to get that position. even if it takes all day and all night searching websites.

to give thanks

2007-11-20T04:38:00.000-08:00

i am only days away from going home and i'm surprised to tell you that i'm a little sad about it. i have been dreaming about this for some time, going home for thanksgiving, it's one of my favorite holidays. maybe my only favorite.
i am sad because i know that time has flown by, months seem like days, hours like minutes. thus i know this vacation will go by fast.
i hear people at work talk about how they are burdened by the fact that they have to be with their families this holiday. it is a necessity rather than a privilege. this is something that breaks my heart because i can't imagine feeling this way, not now. i guess when you travel more than 1000 miles away and have no one you know (like really know, that you've grown up with) around you, any amount of time spent with family is a blessing. the people that will be sitting around the table at my thanksgiving feast are people i have be dying to see. i can't imagine being anywhere else than listening to my family talk, crazy and all. yes we're a little too loud, we laugh and gossip and to hear us talk would make some people blush.
so don't be surprised when i hold you a little tighter than i normally would. or stare at your face so that i memorize every last detail. 8 days at home is not nearly enough and i will make sure i hug you as many times as i can.
i will truly be able to say the thing i'm most thankful for this thanksgiving is my family.

a decision has been made

2007-11-12T18:18:00.000-08:00

after much consideration i have decided to stop traveling after my next assignment to texas. i will take the one in austin, houston or san marcos depending on which pays and offers the most. i will work for 3-6 months saving money and then will go into another branch of nursing. i plan to go into either labor and delivery, the operating room or psych nursing with the crazies (my favorites!) and live in either austin or houston.
so it doesn't sound like much, a bunch of options really but i can travel later. i also plan to go back to school and get my bachelors and masters in nursing so i can eventually teach.
what pushed me to this comes after last night when i took care of a little lady who hurt herself walking up some stairs. if i had closed my eyes and just listened to her i could have bet $100 that it was my very own Grancita. but it wasn't and i really wished it had been. there will always be chicago and san francisco later, maybe i will just visit. living somewhere and being exposed the the harsh realities of any city make it unappealing, it loses it's luster. LA seemed different when i was in arizona, so did orange county. I'm here and I'm over it.
and i'm ready for the next chapter in my life.

blistered

2007-11-11T11:53:00.000-08:00

i was proud that i had everything ready to start his IV and draw blood at the bedside. the patient was four months old, maybe five, he was there for a bad case of diarrhea. i'd carefully taken the time to explain to the parents how it was going to go down. we were all prepared. i grabbed a light to find the veins in his hands since he was super chunky. we turned off the lights, i turned on this special light put it up to his palms (after testing it on my own to make sure it wasn't too hot) looked in both hands but nothing. we turned the lights back on and i started the IV in the opposite side of his elbow (the antecubital vein or AC) with success on the first stick (yea! three points for super nurse stephanie). we were leaving when i noticed he had marks on his palms, blisters. i first thought of Jesus and the holes left in his hands from being nailed to the cross. for a second i thought this could was "special" born with the marks on his palms, then his mom mentioned the light had burned his virgin skin (minus 100 points for bad nurse stephanie). many expletives filled my head as i examined the damaged i'd caused. i'd seen this technique used before, tested it on my own dry calloused hands first. my hands deceived me, it wasn't hot but because i have the hands of a 50year old man whose worked his whole life in the fields.
on a daily basis i apologize a million times, for turning on the light when a patients sleeping, for making too much noise in a room, for intruding to get something simple, for moving family members from one side of a room to another. i have been told i apologize too much. yet in nursing school i was told to never apologize for things as it would give away my innocence in the matter, deem me guilty by two simple words. when i realized that i'd burned this innocent baby the words couldn't find a way to my brain. i got ice bags immediately and applied it to his palms. i worked around it and they were mad. i'm sure all the wanted was an apology from me instead of a very matter of fact approach to fix it. but the truth was i wouldn't, couldn't say it. so i didn't. and i didn't want to walk back in the room.
the cause for the diarrhea was simple gastroenteritis. after all the work to find the IV it had kinked and only 1/4 of the fluids ordered were infused. with my tail between my legs i walked back in. "I'm sorry" was written all over my face as i examined his hands again before i let them all go home. i told the parents the incident had been written up so that it wouldn't happen again and then i said "these things sometimes happen". i guess they understood. i still don't, i still feel guilty, feel horrible. mistakes are made and we learn from them, this is what i keep telling myself.

imposter

2007-10-30T04:43:00.000-07:00

i wonder if they noticed how nervous i was, my hands shaking as i drew up the medications. it felt like my heart was going to pound out of my chest, i swear they could hear it. if only they knew how i felt on the inside because it surely didn't match my confident exterior.
he was in dialysis when he stopped breathing, they realized he didn't have a pulse and started chest compressions. within minutes he was hooked to a machine that read his pulse and knew he needed to be defibrillated, so they shocked him. they worked fast, they must have because as a result, his blood gases were normal (meaning he wasn't without oxygen for too long and his body didn't have to work to make up for it).
he came in CPR in progress and i'd only arrived to work an hour before. i was still covering lunches so they decided to give him to me, he would be my patient. and the ER was slammed so i was alone in the room. me and my almost dead patient.
but i worked furiously to keep him alive, giving him medicines to help regulate his heart, electrolytes to replenish him but he was fading fast and i was so nervous. the doctors were at the nurses station and i wanted to yell for help, his pulse went from 80 to 35 and i knew that he could get worse.
we pulled through it. i, ever so calmly (although i don't know how) explained to his children everything, the tube in his lungs, the IV in his neck, the medications and what they were for. i knew they'd been through this before so they were familiar but i know it's scary and i could see they were terrified of losing him, they didn't know how much i was too.
in the end, he lived. i don't think, however, he will make it much longer. and his family thanked me for all my hard work. i guess they couldn't see the fear in me.

the halloween party

2007-10-29T11:12:00.000-07:00

if it weren't for my job at st. joe's i would have almost no friends in orange county. don't get me wrong, i enjoy SOME Of the people at irvine regional. the total of them, though, probably equal a whopping two or three.
i was invited to a surprise birthday/Halloween costume party. the girl, Julia, just turned 32 and looks amazing! we went to dinner last Wednesday as well and so far she's the only person i've met that i wouldn't hesitate to call "friend".
here are a couple of pictures from the party, just so you guys don't think i have imaginary friends. ;)
this is julia aka the birthday girl and i. i was a black cat, she was "the mile high captain".

this is lance and i. he's an ER tech and was really digging my costume.

this is kevin, the french guy, his costume was very elaborate and even brought a plate of really nice cheeses and spoke french mostly the whole time, me, J-BOB (the redneck gynecologist- he had a tool belt around his waist with speculums and a sign that said "home school gynecologist") and julia.

i am already counting down the days for my move back to texas. i still haven't found an assignment but i'm not terribly concerned. there are plenty of cities in the great state and if one falls through there are other possibilities.
i'm working the next two days and then my uncle, aunt and 5 year old niece are coming to visit. with all the excitement of them coming, my vacation home for thanksgiving and my big move, i've broken out on my forehead. since moving to california i've started having more and more problems with my skin, one more reason to be excited about moving back. maybe my skin's homesick. ;)

gray

2007-10-24T16:24:00.000-07:00

it's not the sight of something burning i wish i could capture for you, it's the smell. the smell that you cannot escape no matter where you are, that is thick and choking and unimaginably real. the sad thing is, someone started the fire in irvine. yes, arson...that's what they're calling it. the ER where i work in irvine smells so strongly of burnt wood that it hurts your eyes and tickles your chest. at first it was cool, it smelled like campfire, like a hot sauna...that comforting smell of burning wood that reminds you of tents and roasted marshmallows or spas filled with beautiful people. no, that's not it though, California is on fire.
Texas is my home, that is well known, but i cannot help but feel immense sadness for my current residence and it's fellow inhabitants. these people are losing homes, homes that were probably way overpriced to begin with that now are worth nothing. this isn't the first time, though, that this state has had fires but i've heard that this is the worst southern california has seen.
my pictures aren't impressive compared to the one's i've seen on yahoo and msn or cnn.com. i know that people in other areas are experiencing way worse. but on my way to work the other day i took a few photos hoping to show you where i'm at in relation to the fires.
my heart goes out to those who've lost their homes, possibly family members and their spirits broken from watching what they had burn to the ground.

wait....what?

2007-10-19T03:19:00.000-07:00

he was 97 years old and in good spirits for being seen in the ER for abdominal pain. when i asked what his allergies were he said "women" which both gave us a chuckle. but something wasn't right, his breathing was labored and his color was gray. i kept asking if he felt short of breath but he didn't really notice, then i went to catheterize him and he didn't even flinch.
he wasn't my patient, i was covering someone's lunch when he came in. when the nurse came back from eating, i gave report and went to cover the next person. eventually i got my own patients and then at shift change i was put in triage. i tried to keep up with him but things got busy and the last thing i remember was seeing his lab results. curious to find out what the results said, i took a peek. a potassium of 6.1?! so his labs are out of whack, a high potassium can cause lethal heart problems. but triage beckoned so once again i left.
i came back in search of a room for a patient who was probably stable enough to wait. i saw one room was closed off and asked our charge nurse why. she said the man that was supposed to go to the floor coded at some point and they were holding his body in that room. then i saw the name written on the board, the name i labeled the blood with, since i started the iv. the name i labeled his stool samples with since he was complaining of diarrhea. the name i pulled the foley catheter out on and tried to catheterize him with no luck thanks to his large prostate.
wait....what? MY patient? the man i joked with when he arrived? yes, sadly so. no one was freaked out except for me.
here's how i'm guessing it went down. i took care of him and then his nurse came back from lunch, the patient went to CT or Xray. when he returned he wasn't placed back on the monitor, i saw him right when he arrived back from CT/Xray and he was already not as responsive, why didn't i tell the doctor? at change of shift (6:30PM)the oncoming nurse took report, looked at the vitals last taken at 6:15pm and figured he was stable. the patient was to be admitted and had a room assignment so she called report. a question came up she didn't know so she walked in the room and he'd already died. at what point? i have no idea. were those really the last vitals?
the truth is, he was a DNR (do not resuscitate) and the doctor knew. i don't know how much he did for him, why he didn't stress that the patient be on a monitor? how come no one noticed? all i kept thinking was, what would i have done differently? and really, what more could have been done? he wouldn't have wanted heroic measures, no chest compressions or intubation kits. he would have coded and we wouldn't have done anything and that would have been more difficult.
the family came to pick up his belongings. they got his gold watch that i removed so carefully when i started his IV and then ever so carefully placed back on his wrist. they took his gold chain that i put in a biohazard bag before he went to xray. but they left his glasses behind. i was tempted to bring them home since i was more upset that the family left them there for no one, his body was already gone.
we get so used to saving patient's lives that defeat isn't taken easily. it was his time to go, that i understand, i just wish i could have done more.

gray

2007-10-13T07:32:00.000-07:00

it's a dismal day in southern california. the usual sunny sky is filled with gloom and the weather is cold, a great day for sleeping in . this won't be the day i have though. the day i have ahead of me is going to be filled the task of moving from point a to point b. it's funny though, because the day i moved here was exactly the same, except it wasn't cold.
although it should be easier to walk away, it isn't. for me this apartment symbolized adulthood, the first place i've lived completely on my own. the marble countertops, the stainless steel fridge and stove, it was all something new to me. i know, people have walked in on me...probably more times than i like to remember but i have been here for 6 months.
well, today it ends. i am moving out and moving on. i wish i could say i am going somewhere new and exciting, but no i am not. the apartment, i am excited to report, is across from the mall, which is both good and bad. i will live next to a starbucks, a pat oscar's, a pier one and the oh-so-lovely barnes and noble. i will be across the road from my second job at st. joe's.
the part that i'm not looking forward to is packing today. because the truth is, i just got off work, it was the last shift in a string of 5 twelve hour shifts, i am tired, cranky and my back and feet hurt. i'd love to sleep in but i can't. this apartment that catapulted me into adulthood, as i saw it, has brought tremendous stress and i am ready to end the let's-walk-in-on-the-young-girl-in-apartment-140-and-see-if-we-can-give-her-a-panic-attack stage of my life.
to the hotel for four days, and then on to the nicer and hopefully safer apartment.

the 60 hour work week

2007-10-11T03:31:00.001-07:00

someone please remind me next time i want to do this...that it is a bad idea.
don't get me wrong, the past two nights at st. joe's have been heaven sent. the people there are like old friends, the kind that are happy to see you and really work as a team so the shifts don't suck. also it's big, like 50 something beds. so when you are frustrated with someone you can walk away. in an eleven bed er, you're always within ears range. so the people that are talking about you 8ft away who don't think you can't hear, don't realize this. EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU, it's a small ER.
back to my story (see working this much makes me cranky). (and hyper) (bad combination)
i'm exhausted. it's only been three shifts, but the first was 3pm-3:30am and the next day i worked noon to 12:30am, so i didn't get much rest. then today i worked 2pm-2:30am and i worked out prior to work....so really, i'm very sleepy.
i pulled another "no more caffeine" comment. but it's really not that, it's that i'm so tired i'm amusing myself to stay awake. the problem is, other people aren't really amused by me, or me being silly. basically i am my biggest fan, which is true.
so i was trying to tell the people at st. joe's about anchorman tonight. one out of 10 people saw the movie and so i was having a hard time soliciting laughs. i tried the "pants party" comment, and the crying-in-the-phone-booth-practically-sobbing-so-nothing-is-understood scene....and nada. that's when one person said i needed to lay off the caffeine. seriously, what's up with everyone suggesting this? they just don't know that the silly, giggly, nut-case of a nurse, is actually just being herself. and she's tired.
so, i have two more shifts left. then i will have one day off and go back for three more. i will buy my ticket home with the money i made today and yesterday.
i am already dreaming of turkey, stuffing, family, friends, alcohol (shiraz), and corpus boys. wait, did i say that? ;)
maybe i should add boy-crazy to my above list.
ok, off to bed....
i don't even know if this blog make any sense.

sometimes

2007-10-09T11:09:00.000-07:00

sometimes i sign up to work extra time without even thinking about it. if there are things i want that i don't have money for i call and book myself a shift. and sometimes i want to hit myself for doing it.
today....is one of those days. i will continue to remind myself that it's only from noon to midnight that i'm working. i will think about the fact that this shift will allow me to buy my ticket home. i will think about the cute guy that works at st. joe's as an anesthesiologist that i met yesterday at irvine. hehe. (oh you knew there was a cute boy, there always is)
but i am sooooo tired. i slept a whopping 4.5 hrs last night, no bueno. i know, i know...
i will make it. i'm a trooper.
but seriously? i'm really tired.
cute boys, going home, only 'til midnight....
there's no place like home, there's no place like home.

finally

2007-10-05T03:54:00.000-07:00

last night, for the first time since my arrival to california, i went to "girls night" with some pretty awesome ladies from st. joe's hospital. we met at the melting pot, a fondue style restaurant, and had wine and gossiped about all the people i don't know from st. joe's. and i felt at home, relaxed and most importantly, like i belonged.
it's hard, in orange county, to make friends even for the most outgoing person. i've heard this many times, from different people. i have tried at work to nourish almost-friendships in hopes that a girls night would eventually come out of it, but so far, before last night, i'd only been out less than a handful of times with people from work.
it's hard to take, people not "getting" you at work. i think people are shady of the fact that i'm a little loud, a little bouncy and silly and ready to befriend everyone. it's not their style. but it's mine, and i'm not changing. so instead of waiting for them to come around i've looked elsewhere for friends, specifically at st. joe's (my second job). and in turn, i have found funny, intelligent, outgoing ladies with a love for food, gossip and spirits. and what more can a girl really ask for?

i'm thankful for....

2007-10-02T17:10:00.000-07:00

at work, it's me and another girl who will be sharing the 3pm-3am schedule from october 17th to january 5th. we sat down last night and made our schedules from now until the day i leave which will be january 2nd.
anyhow,with thanksgiving coming up and her being canadian she doesn't mind working so i can go home. so i'll be going home for a week, i'm pretty sure. wednesday to wednesday. and i'm so thankful that i will be able to spend thanksgiving with the loves of my life. it just gives me the chills.
and then i'm going work christmas eve, christmas day, new years eve and new years day! some of you may feel bad, but if you could see me you'd know i'm not upset about it. in fact, instead of seeing tears in my eyes you'd see dollar signs. that's right because i will get double time for twelve hours X 2 (for both holidays)!
ok, i really need to get ready for work.

pale

2007-09-26T14:22:00.001-07:00

it was almost time for me to leave this morning when we got a run (an ambulance). i was a little peeved because the complaint was vaginal bleeding and i said outloud "seriously, a vag bleed coming by ambulance?" i quickly found that the whole "sugar coat your words..." was quite true. she was smiling when she arrived, and to most nurses that pretty much means your ok, especially if your complaint is pain. but i went into the room and started getting her information and i knew after seeing the blood loss that she was in trouble.
she weighed maybe a hundred pounds, she was in her thirties, asian and really pretty. sweet and scared and as white as the sheet on the bed. i kept asking her every couple of minutes if she was ok because all i kept thinking about was what was the worst that could happen? i knew if she got low enough on blood her pressure would drop her heart would race, her oxygen saturation would get low, so i was already a step ahead by having her hooked up so i would know what to do. i covered the bases, got her cleaned up and then waited for the OR to come and take her to surgery because she was 2 months pregnant and miscarrying and was already scheduled for a D&C (they basically go in and clean it up in the uterus). a nurse i used to work with in corpus would refer to is at the dusting and cleaning procedure for the ladies.
it's always amazing to me how when patients come in and they're really bad off, nurses come together to help get the job done. there could be all of us in the room, one starting the IV and drawing blood, one doing an EKG, the other getting information or getting medicines. and it will never get old, saving someone's life. knowing that you just busted your butt to get them stabilized and when you walk away- the whole 12 hour shift, even if it was horrible, was worth it.

self worth

2007-09-22T00:30:00.000-07:00

tonight i went on a date and it could probably go down as the best date ever. let me just tell you how it went. first, i went to the salon to have my hair colored and cut. my stylist's name was Elizabeth and she was so sweet and friendly (coincidental, i think not). i was there chatting with her for an hour while i had my hair done, that's why i like to refer to my hair stylists as my hair-apist. crystal could tell you stories about the time when i went to have my hair cut and colored and told the lady doing my hair my whole life story. i'm sure she didn't care to hear it, but it felt good to get it out (i basically talk to anyone who will listen). anyhow, afterwards i took myself to see an indie flick (not made in Indiana), called 2 days in Paris and it was lovely. then i came home. there was no other person involved, i simply took myself out...and it was lovely.
on to my hair. i used to think that dying one's hair could somehow transform you into a different person. afterall, you don't necessarily look the same as you did before you colored your hair. since i was in high school (elementary if you count sun in) i've been dying my hair and i'm sure if i'm not careful, one day it will simply fall off of my head and i will be more britney-ish than i care to be. but i've realized a few things since i've been traveling and the first is: it's not so bad being yourself as long as you are true to you. i was blessed with tan skin, dark hair and dark eyes. it is what makes me me. and i've grown to love my features because they came from someone, my mom and even more than that, my family. i am not fair skinned, nor do i have light eyes or blonde hair and for that i am proud. i don't look like half of the girls in california but it's ok because i know i'm a texan girl.
secondly, with my new hue (or old, if you consider it was the color i was born with) i feel a little stronger. as if my hair has brought out a side of me that i forgot was there, the strong, independent girl who left texas to travel the U.S. with the sole intention of finding herself. and in a theater in irvine, california i realized i don't need anyone or anything to make me feel special, because i know i am. and i like my brown hair, my tan skin. i like my dark eyes and the way i laugh too loud sometimes or talk too much. i like that in the face of opposition i am still nice to californians even though sometimes it's not reciprocated. i like watching indie flicks because i know they were probably low budget films where the actors got paid little but did it anyways because they believed in the movie. i have become a little tougher without having my family or friends within hands reach to help me.
and what makes me smile is that i know i was this person all along. i come from two very strong women who back down to no one. and in seeing them i have become who i am, it's just taken me a little while to realize it.

the saturday barbq

2007-09-17T12:17:00.001-07:00

the bar-b-q was altogether too much fun. i had a couple of red stripes (beer) with lime and sat by the pool enjoying chips and homemade salsa talking with friendly people from st. joe's ER staff. i know why i like working there so much, it reminds me of Yuma. it's a 50 something bed ER with tons of young, intelligent, friendly staff. and of course there were a couple of cute guys at this party (oh you know me...always looking).
anyhow, i worked yesterday at st. joe's and am planning to pick up a lot more shifts there in the coming months.
on another note, i lost another lb this week which makes a total of 17lbs i've lost. i'm almost in to my skinny jeans and am starting to feel a lot more confident. i am hoping to make a trip to corpus in october or november. travelocity is offering cheap flights to austin for the next coming months and i'd really like to show off my lighter self. ;)
ok, off to the gym. off to my skinny jeans.

over is over

2007-09-15T12:33:00.000-07:00

i read on myspace that my tarot card today was strength and the caption read "may courage be your ally". i don't believe in tarot cards or astrology but i always like to see what it says anyway. and well, i guess i didn't need the card to know that today was a day which would call for a little courage.
he called this morning early, i would have broken up with him yesterday had he answered his phone. i could feel my heart pounding as the words came out of my cotton-dry mouth, it was over. he wasn't overly upset like i'd expected, he was matter of fact about it all. he is coming over in a little while to pick up a picture he gave me of him as a kid, i guess it's really something he wants to give to his next girlfriend. i checked my myspace only 10 minutes after our conversation and he'd already deleted me off his friends list...just like that. i am out of his life. there were red flags, big ones and little ones that i ignored. his cube, his control issues, the way he spoke to people over their heads so they would know how smart he is. but it all boils down to this, he's just not the one.
and the funny thing is i feel relieved.
i was invited by a co-worker at my second job to a pool party tonight. i can't tell you exactly how excited i am to go and mingle with people i don't see 36hrs a week in irvine.
things are looking up and for the first time in weeks i am really smiling and excited about a fun saturday night.

do you like girls?

2007-09-13T21:49:00.001-07:00

somedays i love my job, other days i would rather be a dog walker. the past week has been a good one. i am enjoying the hospital where i'm working more and the people there are getting on my nerves less. i guess it's because i've realized that i'm going to be here until january, so i might as well make the best of it.
i had a patient the other day who made me laugh the whole time i was in her room. she was in her mid eighties and very kind. she got into an argument with another resident of the nursing home where she lived and started having chest pain. she had dementia so every thing she said i heard over and over again. it was cute that she asked me 10 times if i had a boyfriend. every time i told her i was from texas (which was around 5 or 6 times) she'd ask what part and then would tell me she was from dallas. her son was in the room although she kept referring to him as her husband and then they'd both blush when he'd tell her he was her son. she'd then apologize and say something funny like "oh i know that, i was just testing you" or "don't be silly, i said you were my son". but once, after she'd asked why i wasn't married, i didn't find her funny. i was getting ready to transfer her upstairs, which is probably a good thing because if i had to hear her ask me this next question ten times i am sure i would have cried. she said "so...do you like girls?" i was perplexed by her question and the look on her son's face, as well as mine, i'm sure was priceless. she didn't mean any harm, she was just curious.
it made me think a lot about how many people actually think this for real, but don't ask. i am single and 26 and traveling to different cities. i am strong and independent and am enjoying traveling by myself. i think people expect you to get married and settle down by a certain age....but i'm not ready. i don't know when i will be ready. i think part of me is always looking for the next best thing, ready to leave at a moment's notice.
but no. i'm not a lesbian.

last night

2007-09-10T13:07:00.000-07:00

i guess he could tell last night, by the way i was acting, that it was over. it was in the way he said "i'm just happy i met you, even if this doesn't work" and the way he looked at me while i sat on his couch with my arms crossed looking away. he could sense it, the reality hung it the air, the elephant in the room that neither of us was ready to discuss....it's over. being in a relationship is difficult for people, for others it's easy. i am the difficult one. and i can't tell you when it all started but i'm guessing in high school. i "talked" to boys, they got on my nerves and then i started avoiding their phone calls. i've never been really good at this. and now, 10 years later, i still suck at it. so there it was. he walked me to my car and he wanted more. he wanted to kiss me and ask my why i was different, but he didn't. his eyes were sad, his comments were sweet and i was tired. i told him i had difficulty trusting people, especially boys. i told him i was jealous and possessive and restless to which he didn't respond. we didn't break up, i'm not ready to tell him. the whole world knows i've already moved on, and although i'm sure he may too, i'm not quite ready to tell him myself.

ambivalence

2007-09-09T23:07:00.000-07:00

how could something that, at one point, made me so happy now make me unhappy? and how is it that i let something go this far without saying anything?
california is nice but texas (in my heart) is better. people are nicer, the air is warm and can sometimes choke you because it's so humid. but when you're at the grocery store or at the mall or at church or anywhere really and people smile at you...you know it's genuine.
and the boy. oh the boy....there's always something.
what can i say? my heart is already in texas, but i don't think it ever really left anyway.

an abusive relationship

2007-08-17T04:28:00.000-07:00

i had a patient the other day come in after being assaulted by her boyfriend. she was very beautiful and young enough to get any guy but old enough to know better. when i asked about the frequency of like occurences she only laughed and said "oh yeah, this has happened before. i was married once, i guess i really know how to pick 'em." i was floored for two reasons. one, it's never ok for someone to abuse you, mentally or physically. and being married is not an excuse. the second was because after being hit the first time she should have known to walk away. apparently to some people love conquers all. we ended up calling P.D. (we're legally bound to report abuse cases) and she ended up refusing to make a statement. i wasn't surprised.
the funny thing is, i was at work the other day when someone (a nurse) said that working in the ER is like being in an abusive relationship. i laughed at the time but now i realize she couldn't be more right. let me break it down for you. 12 1/2 hours on your feet isn't easy. somedays we get to sit down, some days we spend 12 hours on our feet and the only time we sit down is to use the restroom. some days we get a lunch, some days we don't. patients are irritable, doctors are sassy and nurses back talk and talk about people behind their back. but there are days when everything goes right. or a patient says thank you and means it. or you save someone's life and you know you kicked butt. or a doctor isn't sassy and nurses get along. when it's good, it's really good. and you forget about the bad times because you love your job. you go back because it's the drive to save someone's life that fuels you. you know the rush you get when you hear a code blue called overhead. you want to be in the room, pushing drugs, starting an IV, doing chest compressions, hanging drips and titrating to get results....all to hear the words "we've got a pulse". you forget about your feet hurting and your hungry stomach. you don't think about how tired you are physically and mentally after a 12 hour shift of pure chaos because you think maybe tomorrow will be different. and you go back again and again. the ER apologies with thank you's from patients, homemade food from co-workers, and if you're lucky a slow night. and you forgive it and you go back.
this is the relationship i'm in. but i love it and to me, that's enough.
i watched a patient die today. he was young, 50-something with an extensive history. he didn't look bad, like the normal overweight, short-of-breath man we usually get. he was having chest pain and his family found him slumped over. he'd been down for an hour before they found him. we worked him for about 45 minutes and then pronounced him dead at 3:30am. his daughter and wife cried loudly at the bedside after we'd called it, screaming and yelling at the patient who'd just passed. it wasn't in english so didn't understand but all i could imagine was her saying "why didn't you tell me you felt sick" or "why did you leave me?" it made me so sad.
my abusive relationship with the ER today was bad. i am beaten and broken and i am in bad need of rest. but i will go back for more on sunday because this is who i am and what i do.

a close call

2007-08-10T12:20:00.000-07:00

its only been a month and i'm already having to take my foot out of my mouth. yes, that's right, i almost screwed this one up. it's not surprising though considering who you're dealing with. last sunday came, he cooked me dinner, we had a fabulous time. i said he may be "the one" and was giddy with excitement and then bam! i got scared, i told him (thru email, way to go stephanie) that i have a hard time dealing with affection and that i am destructive in relationships. why i said this? i still have no idea. for a couple of days, though, things were pretty rough and i was sure that he was altogether going to decide he didn't want the drama.
we've since worked it out and i can tell you one thing. he is really something great and i don't want to lose him. the good guys deserve a chance.
and i don't know why, but he wants to cook the ungrateful wench dinner again. and i am thrilled that he's given me a second chance.

the ambassador

2007-08-06T13:34:00.000-07:00

ambassador- n. a diplomatic official of the highest rank sent by a government to represent it on a temporary mission, as for negotiating a treaty.

this is basically what we are in the beginning of a relationship, an ambassador. we represent ourselves in the best way possible, highlighting our greatest attributes and hiding our shortcomings. if you can push through the facade that is meant to hide what we don't want seen and get to what's "real", then and only then will you know someone's true intentions.
i would love to tell you about this guy i'm seeing, who seems too good to be true. i want you to know all about him and how he cooked me dinner and serenaded me with his guitar and voice. how he chose all my favorite songs for dinner so that i could really enjoy it. he is detailed like that, wanting everything to be perfect. i want to fill you in on every last detail, but i won't. i won't because i am terrified that either he is "the one" or he's not the one and i'm blowing this way out of proportion. but he feels it too, the click that's there when we see each other. it's as if i've known him a million years and we just met.
so i will continue to take it slow; this is the first time i've felt this way. it's like a good book. you start reading, immediately knowing its potential, and although you want to skip to the last few pages to see what happens you resist. you take it slow, letting the words overcome your emotions, taking your time getting to know the characters. you know in the long run it will be worth it because you were patient and you will enjoy the book that much more.
but a peek at the end of this one would be nice. ;)

going at a turtle's pace

2007-08-01T14:32:00.000-07:00

i just finished an amazing book called "straight up and dirty" and despite the racy title, it was spectacular. a story about myself as told through another stephanie, stephanie klein. our stories are similar, mine sans the marriage and pregnancy. she is married to a doctor and at one point finds herself going through his email account. right down to the moment she knew there was someone else, i felt as though i was living my relationship with art all over again.
i remember the day like it was yesterday. he was at work, i was home from school early. i decided to clean and i was going through "the drawer" where he kept his personal things. personal things included a picture of michele, his ex girlfriend. and i'm not sure what possessed me to look at it every so often, but i found that i would look at her and wonder who she was. he had asked her to marry him one night while he was drunk and she told him yes. the next day, she woke up and told him no. i'm not sure why she walked away but her pushing him away, pushed him to me. i should have known right there he was no good. that day after i'd taken a look at michele again i found the phone records. and there, clear as day, was her number over and over again. weekends i was gone, nights we'd gone out together, Christmas day after i left his parents house, new years eve as i was outside calling my family...he was talking to her. don't ask how i knew it was her number, i just did and it was sprinkled throughout his call log, well more like plastered. her number was everywhere, i felt like i was the other woman. it was done, i knew he'd cheated. i left that day for my parents; i cried myself to sleep that night and many nights that followed. i was, in fact, living with him, playing house. we'd talked of marriage and what we'd name our children. my dream was shattered. he called soon after offering marriage, as if that would help. i went back to him only a few weeks later wanting the comfort i'd had, but it was gone. i'd always question him, want to look at his phone records, make him feel bad for what he'd done and punish him for the grief he'd caused.
it makes me mad now, not because of what he did or who he was but because of who i wasn't. i wasn't strong enough to walk away from him because i didn't think there was better. i was weak, i was tolerant and i made excuses. Stephanie Klein's story is similar to the point of scary.
but here's the thing: my past few relationships have been nothing but lessons to learn from.
i am currently dating a man (i cannot call him a boy because he is not) who is so "me" it is terrifying. and EVERYONE has warned against rushing into it, but i couldn't do it any other way, not now. i want to know more about him but i'm wary of letting him know too much of me. i am cautious and guarded, more than i have ever been before. he knows my past, he understands that i'm damaged slightly from a string of broken relationships and doesn't mind waiting for me to open up. i look forward to his emails and hearing his voice and spending time with him. if taking it slow is going at turtles pace, we would be almost at a standstill. but he doesn't mind and neither do i.
"good things come to those who wait"

i'll have the california holiday please

2007-07-31T19:28:00.000-07:00

dear whomever's listening (or in this case reading),
i originally signed on in california thinking that this gig would be 13 weeks. 13 weeks has turned into 37. i, just today, agreed to extend my contract thru the holidays. i will still be working 3p-3a in a relatively small ER and making some good money. i am hoping that i will grow some balls and get over my fear of working in bigger facilites on my days off. well, part of me is scared; the other part's just plain lazy. i know that i could make some serious cash if i'd only dedicate the time but 3 12 hour shifts of on-your-feet-non-stop-action gets old fast. and i have really started to enjoy working out, laying out and reading books.
so, i can't say i'm sad about staying. i will be able to go snowboarding a couple of times and that's exciting. i also already know the system and these people so the fear of starting over isn't there. the hard part is being away from my family for another christmas and birthday, but i know i can always fly home.
there it is, my decision. i hope it is the right one.

benadryl and sleeping patterns

2007-07-29T05:35:00.000-07:00

i've been having trouble lately sleeping...well sleeping at the correct times. i am not having a problem falling asleep, say, after breakfast when i get tired again. i know why i'm not tired until 4am and that's because #1 that's the time i go to bed when i actually work and #2 i take so many naps during the day that although i woke up at nine am it has pushed my midnight bedtime back a bit.
so i've found that on nights when i actually need to go to bed at a decent hour (because my mean boss decided to schedule me on the day shift twice this week, um, hello 6:30am?!) i can use benadryl as a sleep aid. so last night after dinner i took just enough to get me to bed, then i read a little. come 9pm i was already falling asleep on the couch while i was trying to read so i washed up and went to bed. here's the rest of the night:
11:15pm-my phone rings, a 512 number? i have uncle b's number in my phone and it's obviously not him. plus it's already 1:15am in texas (with the time change) so i'm sure it's just a drunk saturday night call. ignore, back to bed.
1am-wide awake and now i'm not sleepy anymore. i want to check my myspace, eat breakfast, and play. why is it that on normal days i don't wake up this alert? but it's not time to get up. should i take more benadryl? no, because i have to be up by 5am and what if it's not out of my system and i'm having to get ready while half asleep? ugh! stupid benadryl!
1:30 after my granola bar and some water (and checking myspace) i decide to lay back down.
2am- still awake, toss turn toss turn.
2:15-toss turn toss turn and really agitated.
i don't remember falling asleep but at 4:30 i wake up. good, i think, at least i slept a little. back to bed for 30 minutes.
5am-my alarm is going off, but now i don't want to wake up.
and now it's 5:45 and i've already eaten breakfast, checked myspace, am ready for work and i still have 15 minutes...so i blog. i blog about my horrible night and the worst part is i have to do this again monday night. :*(
maybe on monday i'll take just a little more benadryl.

getting my nurse on in california

2007-07-27T21:52:00.000-07:00

when i lived in Texas all i could dream about was travel nursing. the idea of living in a new place every 13 weeks was exciting and seemed like the sex-and-the-city-type-of-grown-up-independence i was looking for. all i could think about was living somewhere without my family or friends to criticize my every action, or lack thereof. after all i was 25 with no children (and in corpus christi, tx that's almost a miracle) and single (with no prospects in site) so why not travel? i was ambitious and ready for a change and luckily my family (well, almost everyone) understood.
fast forward 8 months and here i am 1400 miles away from home in sunny california. am i enjoying it? yes, to a certain extent. i miss my family, as i knew i would, but i didn't realize how much they were (are) a part of my life. if he heard me say this, my uncle bill, he would laugh and say "i told you so" or something equally as crass since he told me i wouldn't last. and although i'm not ready to give up i feel a huge part of me is wishing i were in texas, with the friends and family i ran from in search of greener pastures. i'm not sure what i'll do next or if i'll give up and decide to stay in cali a little longer. i am impulsive but indecisive, therefore i'm always changing my mind but hardly ever acting on it. there is no telling where the wind (or my crazy mind) will take me next.
the thing with travel nursing is (get ready for my diatribe on nurses) we are paid more, have paid housing and utilities are fiercely independent, outgoing and headstrong. this annoys other nurses and i can see why. but i'm not out for your job, or YOUR house, or anything you have, i just want to simply see different places and make money in the process. but these people in turn (since they, i'm assuming, are jealous) are rude and spiteful and i have become bitter by their un-acceptance and lack of friendliness. or maybe that attitude is just held by californians (specifically the OC snobs).
there is someone though, or the possibility of someone. and i'd like to think eventually if he grew on me, so would california. but i just don't know.