the earthquake and the tornado

You are the manipulator and I the marionette. With the dancing of your hands, my body moves along gracefully, assuredly with your guidance not to fall. I have learned so much in the last (almost) 30 years, but there is one thing I know to be the most true- without YOU I am nothing. The relationships I have nourished with the people in my life have without a doubt made me who I am, and I would change not a thing. Although there were many times I cried out in fury and disappointment, I know the reasons behind every action were necessary and part of the experience.
I have loved and I have been loved- and for that I am incredibly thankful.
Almost 6 months ago my life took a turn I was not expecting. A once very happy relationship dissolved and I was heartbroken and lost. But as expected, time has healed the wounds left behind from it and I find myself in a better place. Optimistic at the future and ready to embrace what new challenges I will face.
I had a dream the other night that I was in a classroom and there was an earthquake. Not too long after that the building was swept up and looking out the window I realized I was in a tornado. I know what it means- what it represents. And for you placing "the earthquake" and "the tornado" in my life I am appreciative- hesitant but appreciative.
A new chapter has started. I am going home to enjoy the holidays with my family and friends and will return to Kentucky for another travel assignment. I have fallen in love here, with the weather and the people and the little but big city feel. I have made friendships here in 3 months that would rival those I've had for much longer and I've met people I know will stay in my heart for the rest of my life. I don't know what any of it means, but You, my puppeteer, I will never question.

learning about soul mates (thanks to Elizabeth Gilbert)

Dear sweet, sweet Richard from Texas,
In the book Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, you lovingly watch over and give some wonderful advice to your friend while at an Ashram in India. I couldn't love you more for all the great words of knowledge you've imparted- especially that on soul mates.
While Liz is in this beautiful place, learning to quiet her mind and be at peace with the war in her mind, she continually comes back to her ex-boyfriend and feels like she's losing the battle. She hurts from a deep longing, a not-so-recent breakup still weighing her down, she misses him.
I want to quote the book but cannot thanks to copyright infringement laws. So I will just tell you to read to book.
Eat Pray Love.
Life is simple.

ouch

I thought my first night out solo was going well, granted I'd had a little bit of alcohol prior to leaving the house so my judgment may have been a bit off. I made an emergency text to my roomie early in the afternoon about an idea I had, which he told me was not a good one and that I should open the bottle of wine in the fridge and he'd be home shortly. I watched one of the only non-romantic movies I own and started on the mixed white wine I bought for moments like these. He came home and we finished the wine and the movie, my spirits lifted. His friends invited us out to dinner so we went which then turned into a night out dancing and meeting new people. It didn't feel so bad until we got in the car to go home and he told me I should download some Carrie Underwood song which reminded him of some previous love and I should have known then that love songs relating to previous heartache would ultimately end in disaster. But I found the song anyway and before you knew it the damage had been done.
Today it's the only song I want to listen to over and over. It's a pathetic attempt at wanting to hurt and heal and cry.
Damn you Randy Travis for writing such a sad song and Carrie Underwood for singing it so painfully beautiful.
ugh. *tear*

Suppose I called you up tonight and told you that I loved you
And suppose I said "I wanna come back home".
And suppose I cried and said "I think I finally learned my lesson"
And I'm tired a-spendin' all my time alone.

If I told you that I realised you're all I ever wanted
And it's killin' me to be so far away.
Would you tell me that you loved me too and would we cry together?
Or would you simply laugh at me and say:

"I told you so, oh I told you so
I told you some day you come crawling back and asking me to take you in
I told you so, but you had to go
Now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again".

If I got down on my knees and told you I was yours forever
Would you get down on yours to and take my hand?
Would we get that old time feelin', would we laugh and talk for hours
The way we did when our love first began?

Would you tell me that you'd missed me too and that you'd been so lonely
And you waited for the day that I return.
And we'd live in love forever and that I'm your one and only
Or would you say the tables finally turned?

Would you say:

"I told you so, oh I told you so
I told you some day you come crawling back and asking me to take you in
I told you so, but you had to go
Now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again".

"Now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again".

two posts?!?

i know what you're thinking...two posts in one night?!? it's fascinating, isn't it?
well, with all my new free time i can post every day if i want. please, don't look so excited.
we should end on a funny note, not some sad-boohoo-lame-my-relationship's-over note.
here. laugh.
http://www.annietown.com/

who even blogs anymore?

I have read and re-read the emails, hoping that maybe I've skipped a word or two. I am completely unaware of the severity of this, as if I'm living in slow motion or a few days behind. Every part of me knows that this has happened except for my head...it doesn't want to join the pity party. The kleenexes have been thrown away, text messages deleted, the only real evidence are the letters. Words on a page that have decided my relationship's fate.
And I know it's for the best. I mean, I guess I know it's for the best. I once said I wanted sparkles, or fireworks...something flashy. I wasn't going to settle for anything less than extraordinary because I knew I deserved it all. The gentleman who opens doors, wants to help carry luggage, is over-the-top romantic and plans dinners and fun nights out, the good Christian man with morals who loves his parents and babies- the man of my dreams. And I had him for a brief moment. I can't say that there is one person to blame more than the other. My therapist says... (I've always wanted to say that) that maybe our personalities didn't mesh well together. Why, because we're exactly the same person? Because when we walk into rooms we want to get to know everyone and can make friends with the bathroom attendant or the doorman or the DJ/Bouncer/Waiter, etc. Maybe two personality types can't mesh. You need one outgoing and one a little less outgoing- otherwise someone's always fighting for the spotlight.
Tomorrow is a new day though. I will wake up and greet the day with an optimism that is reserved for the toughest of times. I will do yoga and read books and meditate. And I will enjoy every day I am given. And soon months will have passed by and I will look back and know I gained something from it all.
But for now I will just reread the emails.

you look wonderful tonight

I will never forget the night we danced to one of eric clapton's greatest love songs. You sang the lyrics so sweetly and softly in my ear. And my family watched as I giggled like a school girl.
I think the world of you.

entranced

i used to want to tell you everything, to put it all out there for everyone to see. the good and the bad. mostly the bad to satisfy my melodramatic story telling skills. i'm not 100% sure when this changed but i went through some transformation at some point and now i just don't. i want you to know all the wonderful things, the way i want to cry sometimes because i'm so happy. i want you to know that i have met the man i am sure God created for me. i want you to know, most of all, that i have fallen in love with life. not that there was ever a time when i didn't love my life, but there were times when i was sure that the uphill struggle was part of some learning process. and that the sadness, or sometimes relief, i felt after every bad relationship was part of the journey. i see now i did it to myself.
i am working exactly the schedule that i want right now, looking to get some part time work doing home health or hospice care for a little extra vacation money. i applied for my passport yesterday so that in august my boyfriend and i can go somewhere exotic.
as for my boyfriend....can i brag a little? ;) i remember the night i saw him in the ER where i work. i looked up and there he was, across the nurses station looking directly at me. it's as if the whole world stopped for a brief second. i didn't smile at him, i just looked. i remember that night a patient of mine died and i was heartbroken for the family. one second the patient was talking with his family, laughing. we asked the family to leave the room to do a routine procedure on him and when we started his heart went into a fatal rhythm and a couple of minutes later we pronounced him dead. sometimes things like that don't get to me, that night i cried. i felt responsible for him. but it made me feel ultra-romantic, the way i get when someone dies...when i remember that life is too short and that we should take advantage of every moment. after that i walked over to the area where my at-the-time future-boyfriend was and made a flirtatious comment, smiled and walked away.
6 months later, almost, here we are. madly in love. and i just can't quit smiling.


we are silly together.

social butterflies.

and my favorite, on easter sunday at brunch.

inspired

i had a thought yesterday while sitting in a church, a non-denominational church..."you can never progress with a closed mind."
so many thoughts going through my head right now, about life, about religion and about relationships. i am intrigued by this church, Ecclesia houston. i was touched at their service, as different as it was from my own. no one was trying to force it on me, no one trying to convert me...it was a simple, open place of worship with poetic hymns and gripping prayers. and my final thought on it is, what if it's not just one place that fills your heart with Christ's love? what if we need a collaboration of people and places to guide us?
i am enthralled by my love interest. he's the first person i've dated that wants to talk. talk about life, about religion, about things that pertain to us and things that don't. we could talk about nothing and i am just as interested in hearing what he has to say about it. i am excited by him and sometimes in the middle of listening to him tell a story i think to myself, "wow, this guy is amazing." he is a breath of fresh air.
my job is the same and my contract is ending in april. i plan on working for another contract company which will allow me weekends off, time to travel and play around. i may have to work some nights but if i have the weekends off then i don't really care about what i work. i still love my job. i love the people i work with.
life is sweet right now. i find myself smiling more and more and people notice. i've been told more than once that i'm glowing. i don't think it's just Travis but a really a combination of feeling at home, feeling at peace and grateful for being alive.

back to normal...at least for now

so the tiff is over, the hoopla behind us. another thing to make us stronger, at least that is what i'm hoping. he picked me up from the airport yesterday, vegan cookie and water in hand, and a smile on his face. the night went smoothly, the way our last sunday should have gone...i was given another chance.
so with this, i will bite my tongue. i have learned that we respond emotionally to things said or done because of our innate need to be loved, held, and understood. if you can get your hand on a psychology today magazine for the month of january/february you must read the article "hold me tight". it is amazing!

apologizing

if you said something cruel to someone, how many times do you think you'd need to apologize before they would forgive you? or maybe saying sorry isn't what is going to be me back into their good graces. maybe i need a plan, the grand gesture, to prove that i can be sweet...to prove that i am really a nice person.
most days i would give the stranger on the corner the shirt of my back if i knew they needed it. i would give you my last dollar or if you liked something of mine, really liked it, i may just hand it over. then there are days where i am feeling low, emotional and a tad needy. i hate these days. i hate feeling weak and dependent and i fight like hell when i start getting like this...mostly in relationships. i don't know how to just fall in love. for me, getting into a relationship in the beginning is fun... exhilirating...butterflies and fireworks. then after awhile i start realizing that my emotions are involved and start freaking out. why? where did this come from?
i don't know what to do at this point. i am afraid that i am either going to do too much and freak him out or that i won't do enough.
the truth is though, i made a mistake and have apologized and will say i am sorry again, in person when i see him. and if he decides that this is bigger than an apology and he puts an end to what we had then i have no choice but to accept it.
but just so you know...i have learned a valuable lesson from this.