the in between

i'm at a crossroads and there is a decision to be made: stay or go. it's hard for me, after being so travel-oriented, to change my mind-set and sign on at this hospital. it's what i want, i think, but i'm finding it challenging to grasp the concept of "for good", it's almost too hard to even type it. yikes. i love it here, houston. i love the people and the fast paced hospital and the ever growing list of things to do daily. i love the way the air is warm and humid and smells like big city.
but i miss my trips to algodones, mexico, (from when i lived in AZ) eating greasy tacos-most likely dog meat and drinking sol or cheap margaritas.i miss living in a city small enough to get anywhere in 5 minutes and the dry heat and cold dessert nights. i miss the view of the pacific from huntington beach pier and i miss people watching at laguna beach. i hated the traffic but driving on "the 5" and "the 405" amongst other californians, enjoying the ocean and the mountains and being able to say for awhile i was a part of it all is unreal. when i left corpus i just wanted to be able to say i lived somewhere else, somewhere all by myself. and now i can.
and it's time to become an adult, make a commitment to somewhere so that i can go back to school and better myself. there is an opportunity presenting itself and if i don't take it and attempt a normal lifestyle i'll get sucked back in to another travel position, somewhere different.
i am caught between wanting something steady and craving the excitment of a new place to call home. i won't leave, not yet. but the guy i'm seeing was in california for the weekend and hearing him describe the weather and the view and even the john wayne airport made me miss it all.

curiosity killed the cat

i'm the type of person that is curious. i want to know more about everything, about people and why they are the way they are. with writers whose books i read, i want to see pictures and learn more about how they grew up, their relationship status and what they did after writing their book.
sometimes the curiosity can get me further, like at work when i get more involved with traumas. i ask questions about how we do things, what i'm looking for and become a better nurse as a result.
and then there are the times when i need to not be so curious. a blogger/author named stephanie klein wrote recently in her blog about a book called the book of us in which couples can learn more about each other by talking about things they wouldn't normally. there's a section for sex and one for their childhood and then there's one for past relationships. stephanie said she didn't even want to go into that chapter with her husband at the time (now they're divorced and she calls him the WASband). but with me i'd want to know everything. it sounds horrible but i've been conditioned to look for clues, little things that would let me know my significant other was lying or cheating. with Art i became obsessed with his phone bill and his call log only after i knew he was cheating. i wanted to know about his ex and what she looked like and if she was the type of person to cook him food or if he liked to buy her flowers. i wanted to know EVERYTHING until it hurt to know everything and i would then back off. and i would be miserable from it.
but when you've been so used to looking for problems and waiting for something bad to happen for so long it becomes hard to stop the behavior. you are constantly prepared, cautious, observant, guarded.
after constantly pushing people away, does it ever become easy again to let go and fall in love?

a proud moment

i sit here blogging from work, a sense of pride building within me. i assisted with two trauma codes today with little to no feeling of passing out or becoming ill. the first trauma code was a 32 year old male who had a motorcycle accident. he was showing off to his girlfriend behind him, with no helmet at that, and lost control. he was puleless and not breathing on arrival, his left leg looked like jello because his bone was broken. his face and chest were scraped and dirty from the road and blood and he was pale and lifeless. still i stayed in the room, worked the code, did chest compressions and had no problem. he ended up dying. he was the first patient i actually looked at and messed around while he was already dead. i moved his leg and felt his chest and his face. his leg looked really freaky.
the second trauma was a 24 year old male with multiple stab wounds to the chest, stomach and arm. he had his bowels coming out of the wounds which were pretty neat to look at. i can't lie, when he came in i was worried that i wouldn't be able to handle it. but i started by just concentrating on the IV, then eventually i was able to look at him without feeling sick. it was pretty amazing when we sent him to OR and then later found out he was fine.
i'm doing better with traumas, a couple more months here and i'm sure i'll be sick of it. it does take a lot out of you and already i've asked some co-workers out for a margarita after work today, a 7am margarita.
i will keep you posted on what else i see. it's way crazy here.

hyper-independence

there is a consequence to every action. someone cheats in a relationship and the other partner is left feeling incompetent. it's funny to me how one person can have such an affect on your psyche.
at one point in my life, actually two, i thought i'd get married to the most wonderful guy. the second time i wasn't only wrong but way off. he was cheating and i found out from a phone bill. the second time (can you believe after the first time, there was a second?) i found out through a friend of a friend. the point being, i still, very clearly, remember the feeling of utmost devastation.
i go through this every time i get into a relationship with someone. the feelings that i thought i'd dealt with come creeping back into my mind as if i'd never dealt with them at all. and my trust issues have to be addressed and re-addressed as if i'm a child being taught what trust is for the first time. i have been given the wrong information on relationships, from first hand experience (the yelling, fighting and verbal abuse) to literature (like cosmo and why men love bitches) and i feel none the more enlightened. well, i do until i'm smack dab in the middle of a relationship and i throw it all out the window.
i know to keep my independence, my friends and my sense of being. and i know that the other partner in the relationship should do the same.
my situation is simple, i like him a lot. i want to see him all the time. and i don't like it, i don't like that i feel needy. i don't like that he has some sort of power and control over me, not that i let him. i have been single for so long, or not in a relationship where i felt like this, and i have forgotten what it was like to "let go" and enjoy it.
and i want to enjoy it.

i remember when

i remember when i lived in corpus and all i wanted was to live somewhere else. then i moved to arizona and at around 2 months into it i was ready to move to california. i dreamed about living there and going to the beach. i was excited when i attempted snowboarding and envisioned myself spending weekends in winter at some posh ski resort. i then moved to california and quickly realized that the lifestyle there didn't match my own. i'm not into fashion or cars or fancy things and i was definitely not a knockout as were the socal girls. after 9 months i realized that i missed my family and friends and everything i'd left behind.
haven't you already heard this story?
the other day while i was at a concert with "the gentleman" (the one i'm extremly infatuated with) i looked around and thought, finally i'm somewhere i want to be. and i wouldn't say it's ONLY because of him but he has made it a much nicer transition. i LOVE houston. i don't want to leave. i am a million times happier than i was in corpus, arizona and california...combined.
and for once, i love the ER. the people here are so friendly, like i-want-to-give-you-a-hug-friendly.
ahhh... a huge sigh of relief. i have missed this content person.

untitled

have you ever met someone and knew instantly that you'd be friends forever? without even knowing much about them such as their middle name or what their childhood dreams were? all you know about them, other than their first name, is how they laugh, their ability to be witty and confident in the middle of a large crowd, the way they stand out in a group as if they have some neon light under their feet illuminating their smile. and you know, without too much thought, that they were going to be your new best friend, or if it were a guy maybe you're boyfriend.
i do this often. i know almost immediately when i want someone in my circle of friends. i would say i'm picky about who i hang out with too, i don't want just anyone.
but i hate getting like this with guys. thinking too far in advance, putting too much pressure on them without even really thinking about it. but it's hard when you meet someone that is so great that no matter what you're doing the thought of them is always there.
i said this before about a certain someone in california. i thought he was the cat's meow but he turned out to be way less. and there were things i didn't like about him that i ignored: his beliefs on religion, his cube and they way he talked over people's heads.
this is different. and this time i don't want to get ahead of myself. i don't want to let you in just yet. i think he's great though. and so far, that's all you need to know.

the photos

here are some pics from the move. i was lucky enough to have two very strong men help load and unload the monstrosity of a bag that was attached to the roof. the car was jam packed with boxes of clothes, books, hangers, and kitchen items.
enjoy!

home

the move has been made, boxes unpacked. i spent what seems like a million hours in a car to make it though and i can honestly say, it was well worth it. i don't have internet connection in my apartment, i don't know if i'll hook it up or not. i think i spend too much time on the internet so in an attempt to free up wasted time on myspace, i won't have it connected. i won't have my cable connected either, lame i guess. or not, depending on how you look at it.
this city feels like home, even more than corpus. it's big and bright and gives the impression that it's full of life and fun and activities. i already know people here, already have family here so i guess it's just as much my home as anywhere. i've lived here before so it is familiar.
the apartment is just lovely and i feel so grown up in it. it overlooks the parking lot of another complex, a kind of ghetto one, but it's still nice. the gym is great, the internet is free in the business center along with a fax and printer.
tomorrow i start work and i'm excited and just as much, nervous. i am keeping my fingers crossed that everyone is friendly and welcoming, but then again, that's a lot of pressure to put on people. or myself to be the accomodating one.
i must though, thank my mom for making the drive with me. it was long and grueling and at one point dangerous (haha, thanks mom!) but i enjoy spending time with her. she endured my ghetto fabulous music and made the trip way more enjoyable.
i will upload photos of the move and the car on the next entry.

a chapter ends

it's 5am california time, 7am texas time and i'm just going to bed. they let me go an hour early from work, my last shift there, so i could come home and continue my packing.
the boxes are now neatly piled in one corner of the room and i've narrowed down what i have to take back. i also have a "maybe" pile consisting of a long mirror,a fan, a kitchen trash can and a broom. these are things i could throw or give away and buy again in houston so they're not taking up an enormous amount of space in the backseat. my clothes have been rolled so tight into balls and shoved in bags to make room for the ever-growing wardrobe of mine.
i didn't cry tonight when i said goodbye to my coworkers, i didn't think i would. there were times when i hated the hospital where i worked. the people were sometimes cruel and two faced and not as friendly as i'm used to. but it made me just a little stronger and for that i am grateful.
9 months have come and gone and my assignment is now officially over in california. i am headed back to texas, to the family, to my pregnant aunt who's about to pop, to my friends and to the heat. i miss heavy southern accents and "maam" and "sir" and friendly smiles and big hugs.
i am ready for 27 and 2008 and another chapter in the life of this traveling nurse.

a new year, a new start

i'm changing my name from stephanie to stevie. i've told my family and friends and now i'm telling the world. i also told a doctor at work who, at one point, started saying "stevie....stevie.... stevie..." then i finally responded. ha! my uncle had said it may happen, people actually using the name and me not responding. i'm that type of person though, kind of flaky, kind of ditzy. oh hell, very ditzy.
i just recently asked if you needed a passport to visit hawaii. yes, i know it's a u.s. state, that's what makes it worse.
i could say my resolution is to stop making ditzy comments but, honestly, who am i kidding?
the ER was horrible tonight. worse than i've ever seen it. i walked in at 3pm and the rack where we stick the charts from the patients in triage waiting for rooms was full from the top to the floor. there are probably 30 slots, so LOTS of people were waiting. including a 78 year old man with dizziness and his heart rate was 48. that is way slow, especially with no past history of heart problems and complaints of dizziness.
i spent the turn of the year in a patients room putting her on the bedpan. i then went to take it out and urine spilled all over her sheets and gown. i had to clean it all up and before i knew it everyone had already toasted with the faux champagne and plastic glasses i bought. needless to say i was irritated. oh well, i vow NEVER to work another new year's eve again. the rest of the night we saw mainly drunk people. i helped start a urinary catheter on a 28 year old man who was drinking and driving and in an accident. go figure. everything that came out of his mouth was straight up Scarface style. "you looking at me?" "what the expletive are you looking at me like that for" "hey officer, what the hell, who do you think you are" then he tried to start biting his neck brace off. sentences weren't making sense and his accent was just making me laugh. when we inserted the foley (urine catheter) he actually didn't do anything for a couple of minutes and then started squirming but he then said "man that felt good at first". i almost fell on the floor because i was laughing so hard.
we had 5 drunk patients in the ER when i left at close to 4:30am.
i'm tired and a little feisty and am ready for my bed.
happy 2008, may it bring on the best for us!!!