i came home yesterday from the store to find my bird sitting on top of her cage. outside of her cage. i had to chase her around the apartment living room, kitchen, hallway and finally laundry room to catch her. i kept thinking, "who came in and let her out?" then i saw it. her with her little beak, trying to open the door where her food is. she wants out. wants to be free, could we say "she get's it from her mama," seriously?
i'm not yet freaked out about living at home, i'm actually loving my activities on a day to day basis, get up, drink protein shake, go to the gym for a couple of hours, return home, watch tv, read a book, clean, eat, do nothing. i'm going today to finish signing paperwork for work so i can actually start working, i guess they're not in a rush to have me, this day has been pushed back for a week. i can't complain. i vacillate between wanting to work 3-4 days a week to wanting to work maybe only 2. i could survive on less than that. but do i want to? i guess we'll see how much i really enjoy it. i may explore other avenues such as labor and delivery nursing, just to see.
there was a boy for a week or so that i was smitten with. he was all wrong for me and maybe that's what attracted me to him. the bad boy. anyhow, i was upset yesterday because he said he couldn't give me what i wanted, couldn't commit his time to me. and needing to hear something positive i called a girlfriend. i asked her not to sugar coat the details, to give it to me straight and she said this "Stephanie, you know it wouldn't have worked out. In January you will leave and go on to bigger and better things and he will be here, in the same place he is now. You should be taking 10 steps forward, and by dating him you'd be taking steps backwards. you aren't for corpus, you will go on to the bigger city" and there it was. clarity. it could have come from anyone else and i wouldn't have listened, i would have refused to believe that this was a bad choice. i would have vehemently denied his lifestyle choice clashing with my own, but coming from her it was different. she said houston, she said big city. and with it came hope. hope that there is someone, maybe similar to him, that is better suited for me. he is out there, i just have to be strong. refuse to take what is offered from the ordinary joe's of the world and wait for the one who will offer me all that i deserve.
sometimes i forget who i am, what it is i'm looking for. until i talk to my girlfriends and they give it to me how i need to hear it.
"a true friend knows the song in your heart and sings it back to you when you have forgotten the words"
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
where did she come from?
this year i watched the DNC. i have stopped using the grocery store's plastic bags and now use my own canvas bags. i don't eat meat or meat by-products and try to only consume organic foods. by the end of this year i am determined to buy a hybrid car. i no longer drink alcohol. and i have fallen in love with yoga and cycling class.
moving back home has made me stronger, made me a little more opinionated. i won't fight with you about who i am or the decisions i've made and i will respect that our views may differ. that's ok.
it just freaks me out a little that i am this person. i know that it, for sure, freaks out other people. some can't understand all the changes i made, they think they're silly and unnecessary.
but it feels good to be here.
i am enjoying my time back home. found a job but haven't really started working yet. there are times when i don't want to work a lot, but i need to start really saving money. i plan to apply to UT- houston school of nursing by november 1. i plan to, in january, move back to houston get an apartment and a job.
as for now i will continue the direction i'm in. love the one's i'm around and pray for strength and guidance to live in the moment, enjoy what i have and help those less fortunate.
moving back home has made me stronger, made me a little more opinionated. i won't fight with you about who i am or the decisions i've made and i will respect that our views may differ. that's ok.
it just freaks me out a little that i am this person. i know that it, for sure, freaks out other people. some can't understand all the changes i made, they think they're silly and unnecessary.
but it feels good to be here.
i am enjoying my time back home. found a job but haven't really started working yet. there are times when i don't want to work a lot, but i need to start really saving money. i plan to apply to UT- houston school of nursing by november 1. i plan to, in january, move back to houston get an apartment and a job.
as for now i will continue the direction i'm in. love the one's i'm around and pray for strength and guidance to live in the moment, enjoy what i have and help those less fortunate.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
a different view
i read a book that's changed my life. changed my mind. changed my diet. completely changed me.
that being said, i'm healthier, happier and...well... skinnier. it wasn't the main goal, to lose weight, i knew it would come because i've been dieting for a year now, maybe more. but just because i'm a strict vegetarian (can't say vegan since i haven't changed the shoes i wear or how i dress, or the toothpaste i use or the deodorant i wear) doesn't mean i'm going to be skinny. there are overweight vegetarians and vegans too, it's not just all fruits and veggies you know.
i've added soy protein shakes into my diet as well, to help me gain muscle since i'm working out pretty intensely. i've given up soda, to the best of my abilities, because i can't stop thinking i'm drinking acid. i picture it rotting my teeth, and then creeping into my bones to deplete them of their minerals. i no longer crave meat, of any kind, milk or cheese. sometimes i want chips and salsa though, but i've given up fried foods as well.
and one thing that people don't get is why i've given up drinking alcohol. it's so widely used as a social crutch that people feel bad when they're drinking and you're not. this irritates me. i'm fine with water and lime. no i don't need a beer to unwind or a mixed drink to socialize with friends.
i will tell you this now, i've never felt better. seriously. and to me, that's really all that matters. happiness and health.
that being said, i'm healthier, happier and...well... skinnier. it wasn't the main goal, to lose weight, i knew it would come because i've been dieting for a year now, maybe more. but just because i'm a strict vegetarian (can't say vegan since i haven't changed the shoes i wear or how i dress, or the toothpaste i use or the deodorant i wear) doesn't mean i'm going to be skinny. there are overweight vegetarians and vegans too, it's not just all fruits and veggies you know.
i've added soy protein shakes into my diet as well, to help me gain muscle since i'm working out pretty intensely. i've given up soda, to the best of my abilities, because i can't stop thinking i'm drinking acid. i picture it rotting my teeth, and then creeping into my bones to deplete them of their minerals. i no longer crave meat, of any kind, milk or cheese. sometimes i want chips and salsa though, but i've given up fried foods as well.
and one thing that people don't get is why i've given up drinking alcohol. it's so widely used as a social crutch that people feel bad when they're drinking and you're not. this irritates me. i'm fine with water and lime. no i don't need a beer to unwind or a mixed drink to socialize with friends.
i will tell you this now, i've never felt better. seriously. and to me, that's really all that matters. happiness and health.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
adult stephanie
here it is, the last of the last shifts to be worked in nebraska. a big hug shared by coworkers, final chances at expressing your feelings, it's now or never...say what you want or hold your breath forever.
i would like to think, so far, this has been the best learning experience for me. profound growth has occurred here, a sense of money's value, a sense of self worth, an awakening if you will.
take me out of my element and let me work 4 days a week, get back to basics without any way to really cook except for a microwave. force me to take responsibility for all my actions up to now, credit cards are good in building your credit if your responsible with them. if you're not the balance builds up and towers over you like a skyscraper in a big city, until your forced to deal with it.
i read a book recently about a young girl who's parents divorce at a young age. in an attempt to make her parents feel better she hides all her feelings, lets them build up in the closet with her dirty clothes. instead of dealing with the hurt she figures she will look for acceptance and understanding elsewhere. through men. through sex. in a self destructing way she pulls people in and then spits them out, only wanting love but not allowing herself to fully love herself. i cried and the book wasn't sad in that manner, but to me it spoke volumes.
in an attempt to look for the answer, i bought a book by marianne williamson, inspirational author and speaker. she spoke to me directly. address your past, own up to it, know it has made you the person you are, take accountability for it and then let go. you are an adult, you are destined for greatness, you have always known this. God made you to enjoy this, the wonderful world he created, so enjoy it.
Mom told me to stop settling in relationships where the men are inadequate. know that i deserve the best, stop lowering the bar and be patient. Marianne tells me to know my own self worth. understand that i am beautiful and that my inner light will shine through and one day, he will come and he will see it. and it will be a beautiful paring of souls.
Uncle Rick told me about the government, gave me all the facts i needed and here i am. a democrat. a baby democrat, still learning the ropes of it all. i will, soon enough, have my own ideas...base my decisions on the things i've read, seen and learned through listening to others.
so there it is. adult stephanie. new thoughts on love and sex. money and the government. a renewed sense of self worth. the idea that here i am, 27 (in around 5 months i will be 28) and i am a fully functioning adult with the desire to make this my own. my own ideas on love. my own ideas on money. my own ideas on the government. you may not agree with it all. but it's ok, we are all adults here and we respect each other. the training wheels have come off, a little too late, but i will return to my home on my own two feet. i am proud that, after a year and a half, i've grown this much.
i have three shifts left. my items are packed and ready for their journey home. beatrice "queen bee" blue parakeet has no idea that she's about to be a texan.
move over world, here comes adult stephanie and her bird. and this time she's going to do things a little differently. in a good way.
i would like to think, so far, this has been the best learning experience for me. profound growth has occurred here, a sense of money's value, a sense of self worth, an awakening if you will.
take me out of my element and let me work 4 days a week, get back to basics without any way to really cook except for a microwave. force me to take responsibility for all my actions up to now, credit cards are good in building your credit if your responsible with them. if you're not the balance builds up and towers over you like a skyscraper in a big city, until your forced to deal with it.
i read a book recently about a young girl who's parents divorce at a young age. in an attempt to make her parents feel better she hides all her feelings, lets them build up in the closet with her dirty clothes. instead of dealing with the hurt she figures she will look for acceptance and understanding elsewhere. through men. through sex. in a self destructing way she pulls people in and then spits them out, only wanting love but not allowing herself to fully love herself. i cried and the book wasn't sad in that manner, but to me it spoke volumes.
in an attempt to look for the answer, i bought a book by marianne williamson, inspirational author and speaker. she spoke to me directly. address your past, own up to it, know it has made you the person you are, take accountability for it and then let go. you are an adult, you are destined for greatness, you have always known this. God made you to enjoy this, the wonderful world he created, so enjoy it.
Mom told me to stop settling in relationships where the men are inadequate. know that i deserve the best, stop lowering the bar and be patient. Marianne tells me to know my own self worth. understand that i am beautiful and that my inner light will shine through and one day, he will come and he will see it. and it will be a beautiful paring of souls.
Uncle Rick told me about the government, gave me all the facts i needed and here i am. a democrat. a baby democrat, still learning the ropes of it all. i will, soon enough, have my own ideas...base my decisions on the things i've read, seen and learned through listening to others.
so there it is. adult stephanie. new thoughts on love and sex. money and the government. a renewed sense of self worth. the idea that here i am, 27 (in around 5 months i will be 28) and i am a fully functioning adult with the desire to make this my own. my own ideas on love. my own ideas on money. my own ideas on the government. you may not agree with it all. but it's ok, we are all adults here and we respect each other. the training wheels have come off, a little too late, but i will return to my home on my own two feet. i am proud that, after a year and a half, i've grown this much.
i have three shifts left. my items are packed and ready for their journey home. beatrice "queen bee" blue parakeet has no idea that she's about to be a texan.
move over world, here comes adult stephanie and her bird. and this time she's going to do things a little differently. in a good way.
Monday, July 14, 2008
pack my bags, send me home
oh nebraska, how i loved your simpleness for a time. i loved the green, rolling hills that went for miles. i loved the fireflies that lit up the lilac sky. i loved how even the hot days had so much potential, 80 degrees and sunny, i will surely miss it. the smell of freshly cut grass, the way i could wander about without having to explain my actions, take a nap at 8pm, work out at midnight, wake up at 4am and start some weird cycle again, no one to disturb, no one to annoy with my 3am book reading most nights. the thing about travel nursing is the idea of being free, able to do whatever you want whenever you want. these things become routine, the randomness of my daily lifestyle. to tell you the truth i like the night shift, the way i come into a madhouse when i have enough energy to do it and then with the night calming down so does my demeanor.
i've gone off on a tangent.
the point is, my time is almost up in nebraksa. 7 shifts left, time to start packing yet again. a long drive back awaits me, along with family and friends on the other side. all i can see is home, all i want is to leave.
but i still have another week to go. how inconvenient for me, that i can be drawn so strongly to one place yet live in another.
if they fired me today i wouldn't even be sad.
i've gone off on a tangent.
the point is, my time is almost up in nebraksa. 7 shifts left, time to start packing yet again. a long drive back awaits me, along with family and friends on the other side. all i can see is home, all i want is to leave.
but i still have another week to go. how inconvenient for me, that i can be drawn so strongly to one place yet live in another.
if they fired me today i wouldn't even be sad.
Monday, July 7, 2008
fireflies and fire alarms
i'm quite ready to come home, don't know if i mentioned that before. i heard a song last night on the internet radio at work and could totally picture myself and family dancing at my sister's wedding and i almost started to cry.
anyhow, i'm sick of working. i worked 5 shifts last week and 5 shifts this week and i've had two days off and they went by at warp speed and well...i just need a freakin break already. i tried waking up early the past two days so i could get my workout in and both days i've overslept. i guess my body knows better. yesterday right as i was in my first rem cycle i awoke to the shrill, very loud, fire alarm. at first, i thought, why is my alarm so loud? then i realized it was everywhere and i could here the thuds of people's heavy feet running down the hallway. instead of following, i called the desk and asked what in the world was going on. he said someone was making food and the alarm set off and we had to wait until the fire department came to turn it off. i was so tired that i crawled back in to bed, pulled the covers over my head, and despite the oh-so-loud-and-annoying-alarm i went back to sleep in a matter of seconds. i'm telling you, i. am. tired.
other than that, nebraska is beautiful this time of year, hot but green. the fields at dusk are so gorgeous against the lilac and pink sky and i've already seen my fair share of fireflies. as much as i'm ready to go home, i will truly miss the simpleness of living in such a small and honest town.
13 weeks down, 3 more to go.
anyhow, i'm sick of working. i worked 5 shifts last week and 5 shifts this week and i've had two days off and they went by at warp speed and well...i just need a freakin break already. i tried waking up early the past two days so i could get my workout in and both days i've overslept. i guess my body knows better. yesterday right as i was in my first rem cycle i awoke to the shrill, very loud, fire alarm. at first, i thought, why is my alarm so loud? then i realized it was everywhere and i could here the thuds of people's heavy feet running down the hallway. instead of following, i called the desk and asked what in the world was going on. he said someone was making food and the alarm set off and we had to wait until the fire department came to turn it off. i was so tired that i crawled back in to bed, pulled the covers over my head, and despite the oh-so-loud-and-annoying-alarm i went back to sleep in a matter of seconds. i'm telling you, i. am. tired.
other than that, nebraska is beautiful this time of year, hot but green. the fields at dusk are so gorgeous against the lilac and pink sky and i've already seen my fair share of fireflies. as much as i'm ready to go home, i will truly miss the simpleness of living in such a small and honest town.
13 weeks down, 3 more to go.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
ahhh...the corpus wind
i can already feel it, the salty corpus air hitting my face. the air that is thick with humidity, choking almost, that leaves you sticky and uncomfortable when mixed with 90 degree weather. i picture myself on chris' balcony, water in hand, workout clothes on and drenched...my workouts will be at an all time high due to the warmer weather. i am picturing myself lying by the pool, diet coke and good book at my side, in the company of friends and family i love.
it's all too real now, the thought of going home, the idea that i will be back again amongst people i really love. and it almost makes me cry, because i haven't really given it much thought. i've been too preoccupied with making my own life that i forgot about those close to me, those who maybe would want to have me around for the holidays. but i'm glad that i am going now...in fact, in my mind, i'm already there.
it's all too real now, the thought of going home, the idea that i will be back again amongst people i really love. and it almost makes me cry, because i haven't really given it much thought. i've been too preoccupied with making my own life that i forgot about those close to me, those who maybe would want to have me around for the holidays. but i'm glad that i am going now...in fact, in my mind, i'm already there.
Monday, June 30, 2008
life is short, live big
i wrote this when my internet was on the fritz a couple of weeks ago. it turns out the lady was a con artist looking to scam money off the trusting and giving people of our hospital. it doesn't change the message though, read on.
June 5, 2008
A lady I work with told me last night that she has cancer; Colo-rectal cancer that has metastasized to her liver, ovaries and now possibly bone. She says the prognosis is bad, 6 months to a year at the most. She will leave behind a husband who has parkinsons and severe asthma and no medical insurance and their 18year old daughter. She is working on her list of things to do before she dies, on it so far is taking up smoking, which she’s done and cutting and dying her hair. Another lady at work said her grandfather, after being diagnosed with terminal cancer, decided he’d always wanted a dodge ram pickup and went out and bought one that same day.
Does it make anyone other than me sad that people need to hear that they are going to die before they really start to live? Why do we feel we need to get permission? You are going to die. There, it’s said….now live your life. Don’t wait until someone tells you, because you may not get the warning. I challenge you to make your bucket list today and start doing everything that’s on it that you possibly can. Life is far too short and way to beautiful to not take advantage of the “now”. You only get one life. One chance. Don’t waste it.
June 5, 2008
A lady I work with told me last night that she has cancer; Colo-rectal cancer that has metastasized to her liver, ovaries and now possibly bone. She says the prognosis is bad, 6 months to a year at the most. She will leave behind a husband who has parkinsons and severe asthma and no medical insurance and their 18year old daughter. She is working on her list of things to do before she dies, on it so far is taking up smoking, which she’s done and cutting and dying her hair. Another lady at work said her grandfather, after being diagnosed with terminal cancer, decided he’d always wanted a dodge ram pickup and went out and bought one that same day.
Does it make anyone other than me sad that people need to hear that they are going to die before they really start to live? Why do we feel we need to get permission? You are going to die. There, it’s said….now live your life. Don’t wait until someone tells you, because you may not get the warning. I challenge you to make your bucket list today and start doing everything that’s on it that you possibly can. Life is far too short and way to beautiful to not take advantage of the “now”. You only get one life. One chance. Don’t waste it.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
to vacay and back
it went by too fast, the time away from nebraska, the time with my family. as always the day comes when reality hits and my flight seems all too close to departure and i am wishing for more time. i am greedy now, with my time. i don't know what i enjoyed more, the sights of new york or the time with my mom and uncle, when every small joke is something to laugh at, the happy go lucky's, that's us. that will be a hard vacation to top.
my internet was down for a week or so before i left and i was having blogging withdraws, so i would come home, type and save...ready for the day my internet was working properly.
here's one from two weeks ago.
At 3am my fingers become tiny icicles. When the people in the outside world decide they’d rather sleep than annoy ER nurses and our patient load comes to a screeching halt, I start to freeze over. Lack of movement, lack of sleep, bad circulation…a problem I’ve decided isn’t a result of one but many things and this annoys me. Not the lack of patients or the lack of movement, I’m content just sitting around reading but I’m annoyed with the freezing fingers. Inevitably someone comes in, my fingers find their way to the patient’s unsuspecting skin and a comment is made, “my! your hands are so cold” or “DO YOU HAVE TO TOUCH ME WITH THOSE ICEY FINGERS?!?!”…it’s one or the other, but it’s always something. I have decided to carry gloves around with me, at work anyways. It could be 80 degrees out and I’m the nurse on the inside with the thermal shirt under her scrubs, the hoodie over them and the gloves covering her hands. You think she’s crazy, she thinks she’s smart, both of you are part right.
I bought speakers for my IPOD which I took to work to listen to during these times of utmost boredom. Today I sang “how deep is your love” at least 20 times. The song, remade by The Bird and The Bee is on the SATC soundtrack and I’ve made everyone at work listen to the whole album numerous times. I sang it without realizing how incredibly beautiful the lyrics are,
“I know your eyes in the morning sun
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain
And the moment that you wander far from me
I wanna feel you in my arms again
And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love and then softly leave
And its me you need to show
Chorus:
How deep is your love
I really need to learn
cause were living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me
I believe in you
You know the door to my very soul
You’re the light in my deepest darkest hour
You’re my savior when I fall
And you may not think
I care for you
When you know down inside
That I really do
And its me you need to show”
I should be asleep right now instead of copying and pasting lyrics onto my blogspot. I needed you to know that my love is deep. And my fingers….well they’re still icy cold.
my internet was down for a week or so before i left and i was having blogging withdraws, so i would come home, type and save...ready for the day my internet was working properly.
here's one from two weeks ago.
At 3am my fingers become tiny icicles. When the people in the outside world decide they’d rather sleep than annoy ER nurses and our patient load comes to a screeching halt, I start to freeze over. Lack of movement, lack of sleep, bad circulation…a problem I’ve decided isn’t a result of one but many things and this annoys me. Not the lack of patients or the lack of movement, I’m content just sitting around reading but I’m annoyed with the freezing fingers. Inevitably someone comes in, my fingers find their way to the patient’s unsuspecting skin and a comment is made, “my! your hands are so cold” or “DO YOU HAVE TO TOUCH ME WITH THOSE ICEY FINGERS?!?!”…it’s one or the other, but it’s always something. I have decided to carry gloves around with me, at work anyways. It could be 80 degrees out and I’m the nurse on the inside with the thermal shirt under her scrubs, the hoodie over them and the gloves covering her hands. You think she’s crazy, she thinks she’s smart, both of you are part right.
I bought speakers for my IPOD which I took to work to listen to during these times of utmost boredom. Today I sang “how deep is your love” at least 20 times. The song, remade by The Bird and The Bee is on the SATC soundtrack and I’ve made everyone at work listen to the whole album numerous times. I sang it without realizing how incredibly beautiful the lyrics are,
“I know your eyes in the morning sun
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain
And the moment that you wander far from me
I wanna feel you in my arms again
And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love and then softly leave
And its me you need to show
Chorus:
How deep is your love
I really need to learn
cause were living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me
I believe in you
You know the door to my very soul
You’re the light in my deepest darkest hour
You’re my savior when I fall
And you may not think
I care for you
When you know down inside
That I really do
And its me you need to show”
I should be asleep right now instead of copying and pasting lyrics onto my blogspot. I needed you to know that my love is deep. And my fingers….well they’re still icy cold.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
longing
eight weeks has passed and i am still in nebraska. still.... well, i don't mean to sound bummed about it, although a small part of me is. all the things that i didn't like about this place have grown on me, its size, the weather, the non-existent cute boy problem, the lack of a nice shopping area. it's warmer now, a nice change from the cold, dreariness that it has been, however, now there are tornadoes that have come in to the mix. no bueno. still, i find myself wishing i were somewhere else, somewhere new, the eight week itch has hit and i'm daydreaming myself other places. i'm going on vacay soon to NYC and that will be a nice change, one extreme to the other.
also, i watched sex and the city yesterday and was blown away with how much the characters in the movie have grown. it really reminds me of the journey i've taken thus far, how i wanted to do something for me, to live wherever the wind blew me because i could. now i just want a place to call home, somewhere near a whole foods. i want to have furniture from ikea and a porch where i can drink red wine and listen to madeleine peyroux. i want to have friends over and make them dinner and play pictionary and scrabble...because i've evolved. not that i wasn't this person before, but i'm more this person now than i was before i left corpus. i have grown into a woman and it's somewhat scary, i'll be 28 in 6 months. i'll have my 10 year high school reunion next year, i just can't believe how quickly time has passed.
i have 8 weeks left in nebraska, i'm back at square one. but it will go by faster than the first time and i will be back in texas before we know it.
also, i watched sex and the city yesterday and was blown away with how much the characters in the movie have grown. it really reminds me of the journey i've taken thus far, how i wanted to do something for me, to live wherever the wind blew me because i could. now i just want a place to call home, somewhere near a whole foods. i want to have furniture from ikea and a porch where i can drink red wine and listen to madeleine peyroux. i want to have friends over and make them dinner and play pictionary and scrabble...because i've evolved. not that i wasn't this person before, but i'm more this person now than i was before i left corpus. i have grown into a woman and it's somewhat scary, i'll be 28 in 6 months. i'll have my 10 year high school reunion next year, i just can't believe how quickly time has passed.
i have 8 weeks left in nebraska, i'm back at square one. but it will go by faster than the first time and i will be back in texas before we know it.
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