so the tiff is over, the hoopla behind us. another thing to make us stronger, at least that is what i'm hoping. he picked me up from the airport yesterday, vegan cookie and water in hand, and a smile on his face. the night went smoothly, the way our last sunday should have gone...i was given another chance.
so with this, i will bite my tongue. i have learned that we respond emotionally to things said or done because of our innate need to be loved, held, and understood. if you can get your hand on a psychology today magazine for the month of january/february you must read the article "hold me tight". it is amazing!
Monday, January 26, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
apologizing
if you said something cruel to someone, how many times do you think you'd need to apologize before they would forgive you? or maybe saying sorry isn't what is going to be me back into their good graces. maybe i need a plan, the grand gesture, to prove that i can be sweet...to prove that i am really a nice person.
most days i would give the stranger on the corner the shirt of my back if i knew they needed it. i would give you my last dollar or if you liked something of mine, really liked it, i may just hand it over. then there are days where i am feeling low, emotional and a tad needy. i hate these days. i hate feeling weak and dependent and i fight like hell when i start getting like this...mostly in relationships. i don't know how to just fall in love. for me, getting into a relationship in the beginning is fun... exhilirating...butterflies and fireworks. then after awhile i start realizing that my emotions are involved and start freaking out. why? where did this come from?
i don't know what to do at this point. i am afraid that i am either going to do too much and freak him out or that i won't do enough.
the truth is though, i made a mistake and have apologized and will say i am sorry again, in person when i see him. and if he decides that this is bigger than an apology and he puts an end to what we had then i have no choice but to accept it.
but just so you know...i have learned a valuable lesson from this.
most days i would give the stranger on the corner the shirt of my back if i knew they needed it. i would give you my last dollar or if you liked something of mine, really liked it, i may just hand it over. then there are days where i am feeling low, emotional and a tad needy. i hate these days. i hate feeling weak and dependent and i fight like hell when i start getting like this...mostly in relationships. i don't know how to just fall in love. for me, getting into a relationship in the beginning is fun... exhilirating...butterflies and fireworks. then after awhile i start realizing that my emotions are involved and start freaking out. why? where did this come from?
i don't know what to do at this point. i am afraid that i am either going to do too much and freak him out or that i won't do enough.
the truth is though, i made a mistake and have apologized and will say i am sorry again, in person when i see him. and if he decides that this is bigger than an apology and he puts an end to what we had then i have no choice but to accept it.
but just so you know...i have learned a valuable lesson from this.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
someone stop me
it has becoming ridiculous now.
"him" and i went for a drink last night to the most low key bar ever. he was impressed that i knew of such a place, dark and quiet with the hint of jazz playing overhead. candles illuminated an upstairs area filled with leather couches and people making out spread randomly throughout. when we left he said he felt a little dirty, a little sleazy maybe...like he needed a shower. haha. "where did you find this place anyhow" and my answer, "um...a guy i used to date?" he just laughed, "i guess a place like this deserves to be recycled."
but in the middle of one of our conversations my hand found it's way to above his knee, it hovered. without any hesitation he grabbed my hand, softly and sweetly and kept it in his grip, the warmth of it radiating through my whole body. for a moment i was breathless, paralyzed and lost my train of thought. "continue" he said with a smile, clearly noticing my abrupt stop and, i'm sure, picking up on his ability to stop me mid-sentence.
there is an attraction there that is so intense. we could keep eye contact forever. we could talk about anything and there is no lull in our conversation and for this we are both grateful. i feel like i am losing control and my ability to stay level headed and instead can already feel the pull.
this is bad. this is very bad. but i cannot say that i am not enjoying every minute of it.
"him" and i went for a drink last night to the most low key bar ever. he was impressed that i knew of such a place, dark and quiet with the hint of jazz playing overhead. candles illuminated an upstairs area filled with leather couches and people making out spread randomly throughout. when we left he said he felt a little dirty, a little sleazy maybe...like he needed a shower. haha. "where did you find this place anyhow" and my answer, "um...a guy i used to date?" he just laughed, "i guess a place like this deserves to be recycled."
but in the middle of one of our conversations my hand found it's way to above his knee, it hovered. without any hesitation he grabbed my hand, softly and sweetly and kept it in his grip, the warmth of it radiating through my whole body. for a moment i was breathless, paralyzed and lost my train of thought. "continue" he said with a smile, clearly noticing my abrupt stop and, i'm sure, picking up on his ability to stop me mid-sentence.
there is an attraction there that is so intense. we could keep eye contact forever. we could talk about anything and there is no lull in our conversation and for this we are both grateful. i feel like i am losing control and my ability to stay level headed and instead can already feel the pull.
this is bad. this is very bad. but i cannot say that i am not enjoying every minute of it.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
him
what can i saw without giving away too much? i will refer to him as simply "him" until he can be revealed. right now it's still too early.
but i have to write it down, put it out there, the events from our first date. first dates are always fun, a mix of nervousness and excitement behind trembling hands. we are secretly hoping that we or they won't say anything that is a deal breaker. what are my deal breakers anyways? atheist, vegan-hater, close-mindedness, negativity. hmm..
it went well. he is the type that could tell his life story to passing strangers, the type to flash a smile at anyone walking by. he is witty, charismatic, a gentleman and doesn't believe is asking girls out via text, like my generation does. he is more conservative than i, both in his beliefs and with the physical which should make for a nice courtship. he is younger and a little more naive, a little more trusting but maybe a little more mature than i. i have become a tad cynical with men in general, scared to open up or give away too much. after the last one i promised i would be cautious. and i struggle with just giving in and having fun or being guarded and letting him earn my trust through consistency...proving himself.
i am somewhere in the middle and will probably stay there...having fun but letting him show me if he's really worth my time. as i will show him that maybe i'm worth his.
it could be nothing but a great friendship. only time will tell i guess. here is to just taking it day by day and enjoying it for what it is right now. really fun. :)
but i have to write it down, put it out there, the events from our first date. first dates are always fun, a mix of nervousness and excitement behind trembling hands. we are secretly hoping that we or they won't say anything that is a deal breaker. what are my deal breakers anyways? atheist, vegan-hater, close-mindedness, negativity. hmm..
it went well. he is the type that could tell his life story to passing strangers, the type to flash a smile at anyone walking by. he is witty, charismatic, a gentleman and doesn't believe is asking girls out via text, like my generation does. he is more conservative than i, both in his beliefs and with the physical which should make for a nice courtship. he is younger and a little more naive, a little more trusting but maybe a little more mature than i. i have become a tad cynical with men in general, scared to open up or give away too much. after the last one i promised i would be cautious. and i struggle with just giving in and having fun or being guarded and letting him earn my trust through consistency...proving himself.
i am somewhere in the middle and will probably stay there...having fun but letting him show me if he's really worth my time. as i will show him that maybe i'm worth his.
it could be nothing but a great friendship. only time will tell i guess. here is to just taking it day by day and enjoying it for what it is right now. really fun. :)
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
the roommate lotto
the day i told The Attorney that i'd rather pass, i found yet another listing on CL (craigslist...get with the times). i had decided not to get my hopes up but it sounded pretty extravagant, big room, furnished, cheap and gay roommate with little to no rules about guests and eating outiside of the designated areas. over the course of less than a day at least 10 emails were exchanged and i found out, he is witty, single, fun and from rockport.
i met him 2 days later at the apartment/townhome and am not sure what i loved more, him or the apartment itself. it was pretty mutual, we hugged and he said "in a month i'll be living with you!!" and we both walked away convinced that i would be his new roomie for a good while if all goes accordingly.
so here i am again, excited to have found something, scared it will fall through, although he's assured me my move in date is pretty set (jan 16th) and nervous to see if it works out.
and as always, there is the possibility of someone new...yet again. it is really nothing yet except for text messages and pure flirtation over the phone. we have the witty banter that i so desire and he is drawn into the fact that i'm older (not by much) and to my dark hair/dark eyes. it is a mutual attraction with a foundation of honesty and openness with a hint of sarcasm. not sure what to think of it all yet, i guess we shall see. i will keep you, as always, posted of the latest adventures when they arise.
on a side note, at mass on sunday the priest spoke about Christmas. about how this time of year people tend to get stressed with traveling and gift giving and family. he spoke of the economy and how this year it is has only added to the sensitivity of the season. and then... "it isn't that Christmas has become secular, it's that it has become trivial," he went on to say that instead of seeing the joy that is the true reason for this December 25th, we are consumed with the food, and the money, and the gifts... i won't preach, it has never been my thing. i only ask that for a moment we stop and consider why it is that we really celebrate. "rejoice always," that is what the message behind his homily was, even in times of struggle, in times where the meaning of Christmas is blurred, we have so much to be thankful for.
i met him 2 days later at the apartment/townhome and am not sure what i loved more, him or the apartment itself. it was pretty mutual, we hugged and he said "in a month i'll be living with you!!" and we both walked away convinced that i would be his new roomie for a good while if all goes accordingly.
so here i am again, excited to have found something, scared it will fall through, although he's assured me my move in date is pretty set (jan 16th) and nervous to see if it works out.
and as always, there is the possibility of someone new...yet again. it is really nothing yet except for text messages and pure flirtation over the phone. we have the witty banter that i so desire and he is drawn into the fact that i'm older (not by much) and to my dark hair/dark eyes. it is a mutual attraction with a foundation of honesty and openness with a hint of sarcasm. not sure what to think of it all yet, i guess we shall see. i will keep you, as always, posted of the latest adventures when they arise.
on a side note, at mass on sunday the priest spoke about Christmas. about how this time of year people tend to get stressed with traveling and gift giving and family. he spoke of the economy and how this year it is has only added to the sensitivity of the season. and then... "it isn't that Christmas has become secular, it's that it has become trivial," he went on to say that instead of seeing the joy that is the true reason for this December 25th, we are consumed with the food, and the money, and the gifts... i won't preach, it has never been my thing. i only ask that for a moment we stop and consider why it is that we really celebrate. "rejoice always," that is what the message behind his homily was, even in times of struggle, in times where the meaning of Christmas is blurred, we have so much to be thankful for.
Friday, December 12, 2008
me dijo que no
so, i'm sorry to report that the room of my dreams is no longer. cry not for it is, in my opinion, a good thing.
i went to sign the contract and got to a section labeled "guests" and some questions arose. i have, in the past, had people stay over at my apartment, both girls and boys, and have never had to deal with the issue of a roommate. when i asked about said overnight guests he let out a long sigh and said, "well...i've never really run into that problem before." problem? so, yes, i see his point of view: he has a daughter who he doesn't want exposed to a certain lifestyle, he doesn't want someone living there for free should one night a week turn into 4 nights a week...etc. but here's mine, i'm almost 28 and don't feel the need to ask permission to have a guest stay over. if i'm paying rent somewhere then i should have the freedoms of living there without such rules as "no guests allowed."
it was an amicable split between my future-ex-landlord and i. this will make the 3rd place i've looked at that didn't result in a set place of residence. am i worried? no. i have my apartment until january 12th, and if push comes to shove and i find nothing that fits me then i will stay with a friend. plain and simple. it either fits or it doesn't but you cannot force it. and that's that.
i went to sign the contract and got to a section labeled "guests" and some questions arose. i have, in the past, had people stay over at my apartment, both girls and boys, and have never had to deal with the issue of a roommate. when i asked about said overnight guests he let out a long sigh and said, "well...i've never really run into that problem before." problem? so, yes, i see his point of view: he has a daughter who he doesn't want exposed to a certain lifestyle, he doesn't want someone living there for free should one night a week turn into 4 nights a week...etc. but here's mine, i'm almost 28 and don't feel the need to ask permission to have a guest stay over. if i'm paying rent somewhere then i should have the freedoms of living there without such rules as "no guests allowed."
it was an amicable split between my future-ex-landlord and i. this will make the 3rd place i've looked at that didn't result in a set place of residence. am i worried? no. i have my apartment until january 12th, and if push comes to shove and i find nothing that fits me then i will stay with a friend. plain and simple. it either fits or it doesn't but you cannot force it. and that's that.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
excitement and sleeping
here they are, photos of my future residence. i wish i could say it was MY house, but i'm only renting one of the furnished rooms upstairs (there are 5). there is a lovely garden in the backyard with a patio table where i picture myself drinking some tea/wine/water with lime slices and reading. he's not asking for a deposit, nor is he asking me to sign a contract for a certain period. if it doesn't work he doesn't want me to feel like i can't look for something that will work. but he says the room should be available until september, when a student is supposed to move in.
i'm excited about it. i can literally run to rice university's running trail, my most favorite place to run. i could walk to rice village to shop.
i'm too excited about it all that i haven't been able to sleep very well. hehe. :)
here's to staying in Houston, to settling somewhere that feels like home.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
the exchange
his body lay lifeless on the ER stretcher as we pounded on his chest and gave life saving drugs. it wasn't working. we knew the basics before he came in, 80 years old...CPR in progress. that's what they call it when the patient is coming in via EMS ambulance in the process of being resuscitated. we knew he probably wouldn't make it and had the body bag safely placed underneath the sheet to make it easier on the transition from ER to the morgue. how sad that we do this, already knowing that the patient will probably not make it?
for the first time ever in the history of my nursing i had a life changing thought. at the moment i most dread, the pronunciation of death...the time we declare a patient to actually be dead, i thought about the exchange from this life into the next. how amazing that i can be in the room at this time, when a person's soul physically leaves the body with his last breath and goes onto the after life.
i wrapped my fingers around his wrist and said a prayer.
and then just like that i walked away less afraid of death and more prepared for the next time.
for the first time ever in the history of my nursing i had a life changing thought. at the moment i most dread, the pronunciation of death...the time we declare a patient to actually be dead, i thought about the exchange from this life into the next. how amazing that i can be in the room at this time, when a person's soul physically leaves the body with his last breath and goes onto the after life.
i wrapped my fingers around his wrist and said a prayer.
and then just like that i walked away less afraid of death and more prepared for the next time.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
these nights
fall is here and i am already missing the sun. sometimes a whole day goes by and i've completely slept it away, realizing only too late that my morning is already my night. that's the hard part about working night shift.
but the nights that are my favorite sometimes start off this way. the air is cold and perfect for open windows, and lit candles and amos lee or madeleine, my two favorite singers for this time of year. music to calm and relax the soul.
but the nights that are my favorite usually include a workout at around 10:30pm to midnight. i will usually crawl into bed around 2am with a book, after taking benadryl (my sleep aid on most nights since i'm not used to a bed time before 7am) and i will read until i'm so tired that i can no longer focus.
how will i explain this to my future boyfriend? how will he ever understand my need for my late night workout, my love of reading until the early morning, my reliance on benadryl to catch some zzzz's? the problem is, i love this routine...it's one of my favorites. many could argue that night shift is hard on your body and it is. but i just can't get away from it yet.
and so here it is 2:35am. i worked out already and am just playing on the net. the rest of the world is asleep and it's only my lunchtime. this is my life right now and i'm so perfectly content with it. it just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. :)
but the nights that are my favorite sometimes start off this way. the air is cold and perfect for open windows, and lit candles and amos lee or madeleine, my two favorite singers for this time of year. music to calm and relax the soul.
but the nights that are my favorite usually include a workout at around 10:30pm to midnight. i will usually crawl into bed around 2am with a book, after taking benadryl (my sleep aid on most nights since i'm not used to a bed time before 7am) and i will read until i'm so tired that i can no longer focus.
how will i explain this to my future boyfriend? how will he ever understand my need for my late night workout, my love of reading until the early morning, my reliance on benadryl to catch some zzzz's? the problem is, i love this routine...it's one of my favorites. many could argue that night shift is hard on your body and it is. but i just can't get away from it yet.
and so here it is 2:35am. i worked out already and am just playing on the net. the rest of the world is asleep and it's only my lunchtime. this is my life right now and i'm so perfectly content with it. it just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. :)
Saturday, November 15, 2008
i'm still here
i haven't blogged in some time and thought i'd tell you i'm still alive.
i came home for the weekend and caught a stomach virus, from where or what i'm not sure. i'm guessing it was the chips and salsa that did me in, although i didn't have very much. or it could have been that i stayed up close to 24 hours, slept for three, got back up and went to a football game where tons of sick people probably were... and then slept only three hours before waking up violently ill.
as a nurse i knew all the things to do...maalox to help ease the pain. then after throwing up, knowing to only consume clear liquids. then i added saltine crackers and applesauce. i've moped around the house today in pajamas from last night, hair unwashed, still a little queasy...bummed that i didn't get to go out with my friends tonight. but i knew that exposing myself, while not completely back to my normal self, to a bar full of wild, rowdy people was a bad idea.
so here i am. blogging about being sick on my saturday night off. how fun.
i came home for the weekend and caught a stomach virus, from where or what i'm not sure. i'm guessing it was the chips and salsa that did me in, although i didn't have very much. or it could have been that i stayed up close to 24 hours, slept for three, got back up and went to a football game where tons of sick people probably were... and then slept only three hours before waking up violently ill.
as a nurse i knew all the things to do...maalox to help ease the pain. then after throwing up, knowing to only consume clear liquids. then i added saltine crackers and applesauce. i've moped around the house today in pajamas from last night, hair unwashed, still a little queasy...bummed that i didn't get to go out with my friends tonight. but i knew that exposing myself, while not completely back to my normal self, to a bar full of wild, rowdy people was a bad idea.
so here i am. blogging about being sick on my saturday night off. how fun.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)