the exchange

his body lay lifeless on the ER stretcher as we pounded on his chest and gave life saving drugs. it wasn't working. we knew the basics before he came in, 80 years old...CPR in progress. that's what they call it when the patient is coming in via EMS ambulance in the process of being resuscitated. we knew he probably wouldn't make it and had the body bag safely placed underneath the sheet to make it easier on the transition from ER to the morgue. how sad that we do this, already knowing that the patient will probably not make it?
for the first time ever in the history of my nursing i had a life changing thought. at the moment i most dread, the pronunciation of death...the time we declare a patient to actually be dead, i thought about the exchange from this life into the next. how amazing that i can be in the room at this time, when a person's soul physically leaves the body with his last breath and goes onto the after life.
i wrapped my fingers around his wrist and said a prayer.
and then just like that i walked away less afraid of death and more prepared for the next time.

these nights

fall is here and i am already missing the sun. sometimes a whole day goes by and i've completely slept it away, realizing only too late that my morning is already my night. that's the hard part about working night shift.
but the nights that are my favorite sometimes start off this way. the air is cold and perfect for open windows, and lit candles and amos lee or madeleine, my two favorite singers for this time of year. music to calm and relax the soul.
but the nights that are my favorite usually include a workout at around 10:30pm to midnight. i will usually crawl into bed around 2am with a book, after taking benadryl (my sleep aid on most nights since i'm not used to a bed time before 7am) and i will read until i'm so tired that i can no longer focus.
how will i explain this to my future boyfriend? how will he ever understand my need for my late night workout, my love of reading until the early morning, my reliance on benadryl to catch some zzzz's? the problem is, i love this routine...it's one of my favorites. many could argue that night shift is hard on your body and it is. but i just can't get away from it yet.
and so here it is 2:35am. i worked out already and am just playing on the net. the rest of the world is asleep and it's only my lunchtime. this is my life right now and i'm so perfectly content with it. it just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. :)

i'm still here

i haven't blogged in some time and thought i'd tell you i'm still alive.
i came home for the weekend and caught a stomach virus, from where or what i'm not sure. i'm guessing it was the chips and salsa that did me in, although i didn't have very much. or it could have been that i stayed up close to 24 hours, slept for three, got back up and went to a football game where tons of sick people probably were... and then slept only three hours before waking up violently ill.
as a nurse i knew all the things to do...maalox to help ease the pain. then after throwing up, knowing to only consume clear liquids. then i added saltine crackers and applesauce. i've moped around the house today in pajamas from last night, hair unwashed, still a little queasy...bummed that i didn't get to go out with my friends tonight. but i knew that exposing myself, while not completely back to my normal self, to a bar full of wild, rowdy people was a bad idea.
so here i am. blogging about being sick on my saturday night off. how fun.

already i love it

i can't go in to great detail because i'm at work but i tell you this...i'm in love. i love it here, i love my apartment, i love the hospital where i work, i love the people that i work with and the crazy houstonians. i love the gym that i signed up at and the whole foods where i shop. i could probably go on for awhile, but i won't. i'll spare you the lame details of my houston life.
but i'm hoping that this works for me because it would be nice to be here...permanately.

wednesday thoughts....

i came home yesterday from the store to find my bird sitting on top of her cage. outside of her cage. i had to chase her around the apartment living room, kitchen, hallway and finally laundry room to catch her. i kept thinking, "who came in and let her out?" then i saw it. her with her little beak, trying to open the door where her food is. she wants out. wants to be free, could we say "she get's it from her mama," seriously?
i'm not yet freaked out about living at home, i'm actually loving my activities on a day to day basis, get up, drink protein shake, go to the gym for a couple of hours, return home, watch tv, read a book, clean, eat, do nothing. i'm going today to finish signing paperwork for work so i can actually start working, i guess they're not in a rush to have me, this day has been pushed back for a week. i can't complain. i vacillate between wanting to work 3-4 days a week to wanting to work maybe only 2. i could survive on less than that. but do i want to? i guess we'll see how much i really enjoy it. i may explore other avenues such as labor and delivery nursing, just to see.
there was a boy for a week or so that i was smitten with. he was all wrong for me and maybe that's what attracted me to him. the bad boy. anyhow, i was upset yesterday because he said he couldn't give me what i wanted, couldn't commit his time to me. and needing to hear something positive i called a girlfriend. i asked her not to sugar coat the details, to give it to me straight and she said this "Stephanie, you know it wouldn't have worked out. In January you will leave and go on to bigger and better things and he will be here, in the same place he is now. You should be taking 10 steps forward, and by dating him you'd be taking steps backwards. you aren't for corpus, you will go on to the bigger city" and there it was. clarity. it could have come from anyone else and i wouldn't have listened, i would have refused to believe that this was a bad choice. i would have vehemently denied his lifestyle choice clashing with my own, but coming from her it was different. she said houston, she said big city. and with it came hope. hope that there is someone, maybe similar to him, that is better suited for me. he is out there, i just have to be strong. refuse to take what is offered from the ordinary joe's of the world and wait for the one who will offer me all that i deserve.
sometimes i forget who i am, what it is i'm looking for. until i talk to my girlfriends and they give it to me how i need to hear it.
"a true friend knows the song in your heart and sings it back to you when you have forgotten the words"

where did she come from?

this year i watched the DNC. i have stopped using the grocery store's plastic bags and now use my own canvas bags. i don't eat meat or meat by-products and try to only consume organic foods. by the end of this year i am determined to buy a hybrid car. i no longer drink alcohol. and i have fallen in love with yoga and cycling class.
moving back home has made me stronger, made me a little more opinionated. i won't fight with you about who i am or the decisions i've made and i will respect that our views may differ. that's ok.
it just freaks me out a little that i am this person. i know that it, for sure, freaks out other people. some can't understand all the changes i made, they think they're silly and unnecessary.
but it feels good to be here.
i am enjoying my time back home. found a job but haven't really started working yet. there are times when i don't want to work a lot, but i need to start really saving money. i plan to apply to UT- houston school of nursing by november 1. i plan to, in january, move back to houston get an apartment and a job.
as for now i will continue the direction i'm in. love the one's i'm around and pray for strength and guidance to live in the moment, enjoy what i have and help those less fortunate.

a different view

i read a book that's changed my life. changed my mind. changed my diet. completely changed me.
that being said, i'm healthier, happier and...well... skinnier. it wasn't the main goal, to lose weight, i knew it would come because i've been dieting for a year now, maybe more. but just because i'm a strict vegetarian (can't say vegan since i haven't changed the shoes i wear or how i dress, or the toothpaste i use or the deodorant i wear) doesn't mean i'm going to be skinny. there are overweight vegetarians and vegans too, it's not just all fruits and veggies you know.
i've added soy protein shakes into my diet as well, to help me gain muscle since i'm working out pretty intensely. i've given up soda, to the best of my abilities, because i can't stop thinking i'm drinking acid. i picture it rotting my teeth, and then creeping into my bones to deplete them of their minerals. i no longer crave meat, of any kind, milk or cheese. sometimes i want chips and salsa though, but i've given up fried foods as well.
and one thing that people don't get is why i've given up drinking alcohol. it's so widely used as a social crutch that people feel bad when they're drinking and you're not. this irritates me. i'm fine with water and lime. no i don't need a beer to unwind or a mixed drink to socialize with friends.
i will tell you this now, i've never felt better. seriously. and to me, that's really all that matters. happiness and health.

adult stephanie

here it is, the last of the last shifts to be worked in nebraska. a big hug shared by coworkers, final chances at expressing your feelings, it's now or never...say what you want or hold your breath forever.
i would like to think, so far, this has been the best learning experience for me. profound growth has occurred here, a sense of money's value, a sense of self worth, an awakening if you will.
take me out of my element and let me work 4 days a week, get back to basics without any way to really cook except for a microwave. force me to take responsibility for all my actions up to now, credit cards are good in building your credit if your responsible with them. if you're not the balance builds up and towers over you like a skyscraper in a big city, until your forced to deal with it.
i read a book recently about a young girl who's parents divorce at a young age. in an attempt to make her parents feel better she hides all her feelings, lets them build up in the closet with her dirty clothes. instead of dealing with the hurt she figures she will look for acceptance and understanding elsewhere. through men. through sex. in a self destructing way she pulls people in and then spits them out, only wanting love but not allowing herself to fully love herself. i cried and the book wasn't sad in that manner, but to me it spoke volumes.
in an attempt to look for the answer, i bought a book by marianne williamson, inspirational author and speaker. she spoke to me directly. address your past, own up to it, know it has made you the person you are, take accountability for it and then let go. you are an adult, you are destined for greatness, you have always known this. God made you to enjoy this, the wonderful world he created, so enjoy it.
Mom told me to stop settling in relationships where the men are inadequate. know that i deserve the best, stop lowering the bar and be patient. Marianne tells me to know my own self worth. understand that i am beautiful and that my inner light will shine through and one day, he will come and he will see it. and it will be a beautiful paring of souls.
Uncle Rick told me about the government, gave me all the facts i needed and here i am. a democrat. a baby democrat, still learning the ropes of it all. i will, soon enough, have my own ideas...base my decisions on the things i've read, seen and learned through listening to others.
so there it is. adult stephanie. new thoughts on love and sex. money and the government. a renewed sense of self worth. the idea that here i am, 27 (in around 5 months i will be 28) and i am a fully functioning adult with the desire to make this my own. my own ideas on love. my own ideas on money. my own ideas on the government. you may not agree with it all. but it's ok, we are all adults here and we respect each other. the training wheels have come off, a little too late, but i will return to my home on my own two feet. i am proud that, after a year and a half, i've grown this much.
i have three shifts left. my items are packed and ready for their journey home. beatrice "queen bee" blue parakeet has no idea that she's about to be a texan.
move over world, here comes adult stephanie and her bird. and this time she's going to do things a little differently. in a good way.

pack my bags, send me home

oh nebraska, how i loved your simpleness for a time. i loved the green, rolling hills that went for miles. i loved the fireflies that lit up the lilac sky. i loved how even the hot days had so much potential, 80 degrees and sunny, i will surely miss it. the smell of freshly cut grass, the way i could wander about without having to explain my actions, take a nap at 8pm, work out at midnight, wake up at 4am and start some weird cycle again, no one to disturb, no one to annoy with my 3am book reading most nights. the thing about travel nursing is the idea of being free, able to do whatever you want whenever you want. these things become routine, the randomness of my daily lifestyle. to tell you the truth i like the night shift, the way i come into a madhouse when i have enough energy to do it and then with the night calming down so does my demeanor.
i've gone off on a tangent.
the point is, my time is almost up in nebraksa. 7 shifts left, time to start packing yet again. a long drive back awaits me, along with family and friends on the other side. all i can see is home, all i want is to leave.
but i still have another week to go. how inconvenient for me, that i can be drawn so strongly to one place yet live in another.
if they fired me today i wouldn't even be sad.

fireflies and fire alarms

i'm quite ready to come home, don't know if i mentioned that before. i heard a song last night on the internet radio at work and could totally picture myself and family dancing at my sister's wedding and i almost started to cry.
anyhow, i'm sick of working. i worked 5 shifts last week and 5 shifts this week and i've had two days off and they went by at warp speed and well...i just need a freakin break already. i tried waking up early the past two days so i could get my workout in and both days i've overslept. i guess my body knows better. yesterday right as i was in my first rem cycle i awoke to the shrill, very loud, fire alarm. at first, i thought, why is my alarm so loud? then i realized it was everywhere and i could here the thuds of people's heavy feet running down the hallway. instead of following, i called the desk and asked what in the world was going on. he said someone was making food and the alarm set off and we had to wait until the fire department came to turn it off. i was so tired that i crawled back in to bed, pulled the covers over my head, and despite the oh-so-loud-and-annoying-alarm i went back to sleep in a matter of seconds. i'm telling you, i. am. tired.
other than that, nebraska is beautiful this time of year, hot but green. the fields at dusk are so gorgeous against the lilac and pink sky and i've already seen my fair share of fireflies. as much as i'm ready to go home, i will truly miss the simpleness of living in such a small and honest town.
13 weeks down, 3 more to go.