the exchange

his body lay lifeless on the ER stretcher as we pounded on his chest and gave life saving drugs. it wasn't working. we knew the basics before he came in, 80 years old...CPR in progress. that's what they call it when the patient is coming in via EMS ambulance in the process of being resuscitated. we knew he probably wouldn't make it and had the body bag safely placed underneath the sheet to make it easier on the transition from ER to the morgue. how sad that we do this, already knowing that the patient will probably not make it?
for the first time ever in the history of my nursing i had a life changing thought. at the moment i most dread, the pronunciation of death...the time we declare a patient to actually be dead, i thought about the exchange from this life into the next. how amazing that i can be in the room at this time, when a person's soul physically leaves the body with his last breath and goes onto the after life.
i wrapped my fingers around his wrist and said a prayer.
and then just like that i walked away less afraid of death and more prepared for the next time.

these nights

fall is here and i am already missing the sun. sometimes a whole day goes by and i've completely slept it away, realizing only too late that my morning is already my night. that's the hard part about working night shift.
but the nights that are my favorite sometimes start off this way. the air is cold and perfect for open windows, and lit candles and amos lee or madeleine, my two favorite singers for this time of year. music to calm and relax the soul.
but the nights that are my favorite usually include a workout at around 10:30pm to midnight. i will usually crawl into bed around 2am with a book, after taking benadryl (my sleep aid on most nights since i'm not used to a bed time before 7am) and i will read until i'm so tired that i can no longer focus.
how will i explain this to my future boyfriend? how will he ever understand my need for my late night workout, my love of reading until the early morning, my reliance on benadryl to catch some zzzz's? the problem is, i love this routine...it's one of my favorites. many could argue that night shift is hard on your body and it is. but i just can't get away from it yet.
and so here it is 2:35am. i worked out already and am just playing on the net. the rest of the world is asleep and it's only my lunchtime. this is my life right now and i'm so perfectly content with it. it just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. :)

i'm still here

i haven't blogged in some time and thought i'd tell you i'm still alive.
i came home for the weekend and caught a stomach virus, from where or what i'm not sure. i'm guessing it was the chips and salsa that did me in, although i didn't have very much. or it could have been that i stayed up close to 24 hours, slept for three, got back up and went to a football game where tons of sick people probably were... and then slept only three hours before waking up violently ill.
as a nurse i knew all the things to do...maalox to help ease the pain. then after throwing up, knowing to only consume clear liquids. then i added saltine crackers and applesauce. i've moped around the house today in pajamas from last night, hair unwashed, still a little queasy...bummed that i didn't get to go out with my friends tonight. but i knew that exposing myself, while not completely back to my normal self, to a bar full of wild, rowdy people was a bad idea.
so here i am. blogging about being sick on my saturday night off. how fun.