Thursday, July 24, 2008

adult stephanie

here it is, the last of the last shifts to be worked in nebraska. a big hug shared by coworkers, final chances at expressing your feelings, it's now or never...say what you want or hold your breath forever.
i would like to think, so far, this has been the best learning experience for me. profound growth has occurred here, a sense of money's value, a sense of self worth, an awakening if you will.
take me out of my element and let me work 4 days a week, get back to basics without any way to really cook except for a microwave. force me to take responsibility for all my actions up to now, credit cards are good in building your credit if your responsible with them. if you're not the balance builds up and towers over you like a skyscraper in a big city, until your forced to deal with it.
i read a book recently about a young girl who's parents divorce at a young age. in an attempt to make her parents feel better she hides all her feelings, lets them build up in the closet with her dirty clothes. instead of dealing with the hurt she figures she will look for acceptance and understanding elsewhere. through men. through sex. in a self destructing way she pulls people in and then spits them out, only wanting love but not allowing herself to fully love herself. i cried and the book wasn't sad in that manner, but to me it spoke volumes.
in an attempt to look for the answer, i bought a book by marianne williamson, inspirational author and speaker. she spoke to me directly. address your past, own up to it, know it has made you the person you are, take accountability for it and then let go. you are an adult, you are destined for greatness, you have always known this. God made you to enjoy this, the wonderful world he created, so enjoy it.
Mom told me to stop settling in relationships where the men are inadequate. know that i deserve the best, stop lowering the bar and be patient. Marianne tells me to know my own self worth. understand that i am beautiful and that my inner light will shine through and one day, he will come and he will see it. and it will be a beautiful paring of souls.
Uncle Rick told me about the government, gave me all the facts i needed and here i am. a democrat. a baby democrat, still learning the ropes of it all. i will, soon enough, have my own ideas...base my decisions on the things i've read, seen and learned through listening to others.
so there it is. adult stephanie. new thoughts on love and sex. money and the government. a renewed sense of self worth. the idea that here i am, 27 (in around 5 months i will be 28) and i am a fully functioning adult with the desire to make this my own. my own ideas on love. my own ideas on money. my own ideas on the government. you may not agree with it all. but it's ok, we are all adults here and we respect each other. the training wheels have come off, a little too late, but i will return to my home on my own two feet. i am proud that, after a year and a half, i've grown this much.
i have three shifts left. my items are packed and ready for their journey home. beatrice "queen bee" blue parakeet has no idea that she's about to be a texan.
move over world, here comes adult stephanie and her bird. and this time she's going to do things a little differently. in a good way.

Monday, July 14, 2008

pack my bags, send me home

oh nebraska, how i loved your simpleness for a time. i loved the green, rolling hills that went for miles. i loved the fireflies that lit up the lilac sky. i loved how even the hot days had so much potential, 80 degrees and sunny, i will surely miss it. the smell of freshly cut grass, the way i could wander about without having to explain my actions, take a nap at 8pm, work out at midnight, wake up at 4am and start some weird cycle again, no one to disturb, no one to annoy with my 3am book reading most nights. the thing about travel nursing is the idea of being free, able to do whatever you want whenever you want. these things become routine, the randomness of my daily lifestyle. to tell you the truth i like the night shift, the way i come into a madhouse when i have enough energy to do it and then with the night calming down so does my demeanor.
i've gone off on a tangent.
the point is, my time is almost up in nebraksa. 7 shifts left, time to start packing yet again. a long drive back awaits me, along with family and friends on the other side. all i can see is home, all i want is to leave.
but i still have another week to go. how inconvenient for me, that i can be drawn so strongly to one place yet live in another.
if they fired me today i wouldn't even be sad.

Monday, July 7, 2008

fireflies and fire alarms

i'm quite ready to come home, don't know if i mentioned that before. i heard a song last night on the internet radio at work and could totally picture myself and family dancing at my sister's wedding and i almost started to cry.
anyhow, i'm sick of working. i worked 5 shifts last week and 5 shifts this week and i've had two days off and they went by at warp speed and well...i just need a freakin break already. i tried waking up early the past two days so i could get my workout in and both days i've overslept. i guess my body knows better. yesterday right as i was in my first rem cycle i awoke to the shrill, very loud, fire alarm. at first, i thought, why is my alarm so loud? then i realized it was everywhere and i could here the thuds of people's heavy feet running down the hallway. instead of following, i called the desk and asked what in the world was going on. he said someone was making food and the alarm set off and we had to wait until the fire department came to turn it off. i was so tired that i crawled back in to bed, pulled the covers over my head, and despite the oh-so-loud-and-annoying-alarm i went back to sleep in a matter of seconds. i'm telling you, i. am. tired.
other than that, nebraska is beautiful this time of year, hot but green. the fields at dusk are so gorgeous against the lilac and pink sky and i've already seen my fair share of fireflies. as much as i'm ready to go home, i will truly miss the simpleness of living in such a small and honest town.
13 weeks down, 3 more to go.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

ahhh...the corpus wind

i can already feel it, the salty corpus air hitting my face. the air that is thick with humidity, choking almost, that leaves you sticky and uncomfortable when mixed with 90 degree weather. i picture myself on chris' balcony, water in hand, workout clothes on and workouts will be at an all time high due to the warmer weather. i am picturing myself lying by the pool, diet coke and good book at my side, in the company of friends and family i love.
it's all too real now, the thought of going home, the idea that i will be back again amongst people i really love. and it almost makes me cry, because i haven't really given it much thought. i've been too preoccupied with making my own life that i forgot about those close to me, those who maybe would want to have me around for the holidays. but i'm glad that i am going fact, in my mind, i'm already there.