entranced

i used to want to tell you everything, to put it all out there for everyone to see. the good and the bad. mostly the bad to satisfy my melodramatic story telling skills. i'm not 100% sure when this changed but i went through some transformation at some point and now i just don't. i want you to know all the wonderful things, the way i want to cry sometimes because i'm so happy. i want you to know that i have met the man i am sure God created for me. i want you to know, most of all, that i have fallen in love with life. not that there was ever a time when i didn't love my life, but there were times when i was sure that the uphill struggle was part of some learning process. and that the sadness, or sometimes relief, i felt after every bad relationship was part of the journey. i see now i did it to myself.
i am working exactly the schedule that i want right now, looking to get some part time work doing home health or hospice care for a little extra vacation money. i applied for my passport yesterday so that in august my boyfriend and i can go somewhere exotic.
as for my boyfriend....can i brag a little? ;) i remember the night i saw him in the ER where i work. i looked up and there he was, across the nurses station looking directly at me. it's as if the whole world stopped for a brief second. i didn't smile at him, i just looked. i remember that night a patient of mine died and i was heartbroken for the family. one second the patient was talking with his family, laughing. we asked the family to leave the room to do a routine procedure on him and when we started his heart went into a fatal rhythm and a couple of minutes later we pronounced him dead. sometimes things like that don't get to me, that night i cried. i felt responsible for him. but it made me feel ultra-romantic, the way i get when someone dies...when i remember that life is too short and that we should take advantage of every moment. after that i walked over to the area where my at-the-time future-boyfriend was and made a flirtatious comment, smiled and walked away.
6 months later, almost, here we are. madly in love. and i just can't quit smiling.


we are silly together.

social butterflies.

and my favorite, on easter sunday at brunch.

inspired

i had a thought yesterday while sitting in a church, a non-denominational church..."you can never progress with a closed mind."
so many thoughts going through my head right now, about life, about religion and about relationships. i am intrigued by this church, Ecclesia houston. i was touched at their service, as different as it was from my own. no one was trying to force it on me, no one trying to convert me...it was a simple, open place of worship with poetic hymns and gripping prayers. and my final thought on it is, what if it's not just one place that fills your heart with Christ's love? what if we need a collaboration of people and places to guide us?
i am enthralled by my love interest. he's the first person i've dated that wants to talk. talk about life, about religion, about things that pertain to us and things that don't. we could talk about nothing and i am just as interested in hearing what he has to say about it. i am excited by him and sometimes in the middle of listening to him tell a story i think to myself, "wow, this guy is amazing." he is a breath of fresh air.
my job is the same and my contract is ending in april. i plan on working for another contract company which will allow me weekends off, time to travel and play around. i may have to work some nights but if i have the weekends off then i don't really care about what i work. i still love my job. i love the people i work with.
life is sweet right now. i find myself smiling more and more and people notice. i've been told more than once that i'm glowing. i don't think it's just Travis but a really a combination of feeling at home, feeling at peace and grateful for being alive.

back to normal...at least for now

so the tiff is over, the hoopla behind us. another thing to make us stronger, at least that is what i'm hoping. he picked me up from the airport yesterday, vegan cookie and water in hand, and a smile on his face. the night went smoothly, the way our last sunday should have gone...i was given another chance.
so with this, i will bite my tongue. i have learned that we respond emotionally to things said or done because of our innate need to be loved, held, and understood. if you can get your hand on a psychology today magazine for the month of january/february you must read the article "hold me tight". it is amazing!

apologizing

if you said something cruel to someone, how many times do you think you'd need to apologize before they would forgive you? or maybe saying sorry isn't what is going to be me back into their good graces. maybe i need a plan, the grand gesture, to prove that i can be sweet...to prove that i am really a nice person.
most days i would give the stranger on the corner the shirt of my back if i knew they needed it. i would give you my last dollar or if you liked something of mine, really liked it, i may just hand it over. then there are days where i am feeling low, emotional and a tad needy. i hate these days. i hate feeling weak and dependent and i fight like hell when i start getting like this...mostly in relationships. i don't know how to just fall in love. for me, getting into a relationship in the beginning is fun... exhilirating...butterflies and fireworks. then after awhile i start realizing that my emotions are involved and start freaking out. why? where did this come from?
i don't know what to do at this point. i am afraid that i am either going to do too much and freak him out or that i won't do enough.
the truth is though, i made a mistake and have apologized and will say i am sorry again, in person when i see him. and if he decides that this is bigger than an apology and he puts an end to what we had then i have no choice but to accept it.
but just so you know...i have learned a valuable lesson from this.

someone stop me

it has becoming ridiculous now.
"him" and i went for a drink last night to the most low key bar ever. he was impressed that i knew of such a place, dark and quiet with the hint of jazz playing overhead. candles illuminated an upstairs area filled with leather couches and people making out spread randomly throughout. when we left he said he felt a little dirty, a little sleazy maybe...like he needed a shower. haha. "where did you find this place anyhow" and my answer, "um...a guy i used to date?" he just laughed, "i guess a place like this deserves to be recycled."
but in the middle of one of our conversations my hand found it's way to above his knee, it hovered. without any hesitation he grabbed my hand, softly and sweetly and kept it in his grip, the warmth of it radiating through my whole body. for a moment i was breathless, paralyzed and lost my train of thought. "continue" he said with a smile, clearly noticing my abrupt stop and, i'm sure, picking up on his ability to stop me mid-sentence.
there is an attraction there that is so intense. we could keep eye contact forever. we could talk about anything and there is no lull in our conversation and for this we are both grateful. i feel like i am losing control and my ability to stay level headed and instead can already feel the pull.
this is bad. this is very bad. but i cannot say that i am not enjoying every minute of it.

him

what can i saw without giving away too much? i will refer to him as simply "him" until he can be revealed. right now it's still too early.
but i have to write it down, put it out there, the events from our first date. first dates are always fun, a mix of nervousness and excitement behind trembling hands. we are secretly hoping that we or they won't say anything that is a deal breaker. what are my deal breakers anyways? atheist, vegan-hater, close-mindedness, negativity. hmm..
it went well. he is the type that could tell his life story to passing strangers, the type to flash a smile at anyone walking by. he is witty, charismatic, a gentleman and doesn't believe is asking girls out via text, like my generation does. he is more conservative than i, both in his beliefs and with the physical which should make for a nice courtship. he is younger and a little more naive, a little more trusting but maybe a little more mature than i. i have become a tad cynical with men in general, scared to open up or give away too much. after the last one i promised i would be cautious. and i struggle with just giving in and having fun or being guarded and letting him earn my trust through consistency...proving himself.
i am somewhere in the middle and will probably stay there...having fun but letting him show me if he's really worth my time. as i will show him that maybe i'm worth his.
it could be nothing but a great friendship. only time will tell i guess. here is to just taking it day by day and enjoying it for what it is right now. really fun. :)

the roommate lotto

the day i told The Attorney that i'd rather pass, i found yet another listing on CL (craigslist...get with the times). i had decided not to get my hopes up but it sounded pretty extravagant, big room, furnished, cheap and gay roommate with little to no rules about guests and eating outiside of the designated areas. over the course of less than a day at least 10 emails were exchanged and i found out, he is witty, single, fun and from rockport.
i met him 2 days later at the apartment/townhome and am not sure what i loved more, him or the apartment itself. it was pretty mutual, we hugged and he said "in a month i'll be living with you!!" and we both walked away convinced that i would be his new roomie for a good while if all goes accordingly.
so here i am again, excited to have found something, scared it will fall through, although he's assured me my move in date is pretty set (jan 16th) and nervous to see if it works out.
and as always, there is the possibility of someone new...yet again. it is really nothing yet except for text messages and pure flirtation over the phone. we have the witty banter that i so desire and he is drawn into the fact that i'm older (not by much) and to my dark hair/dark eyes. it is a mutual attraction with a foundation of honesty and openness with a hint of sarcasm. not sure what to think of it all yet, i guess we shall see. i will keep you, as always, posted of the latest adventures when they arise.
on a side note, at mass on sunday the priest spoke about Christmas. about how this time of year people tend to get stressed with traveling and gift giving and family. he spoke of the economy and how this year it is has only added to the sensitivity of the season. and then... "it isn't that Christmas has become secular, it's that it has become trivial," he went on to say that instead of seeing the joy that is the true reason for this December 25th, we are consumed with the food, and the money, and the gifts... i won't preach, it has never been my thing. i only ask that for a moment we stop and consider why it is that we really celebrate. "rejoice always," that is what the message behind his homily was, even in times of struggle, in times where the meaning of Christmas is blurred, we have so much to be thankful for.