pale

it was almost time for me to leave this morning when we got a run (an ambulance). i was a little peeved because the complaint was vaginal bleeding and i said outloud "seriously, a vag bleed coming by ambulance?" i quickly found that the whole "sugar coat your words..." was quite true. she was smiling when she arrived, and to most nurses that pretty much means your ok, especially if your complaint is pain. but i went into the room and started getting her information and i knew after seeing the blood loss that she was in trouble.
she weighed maybe a hundred pounds, she was in her thirties, asian and really pretty. sweet and scared and as white as the sheet on the bed. i kept asking her every couple of minutes if she was ok because all i kept thinking about was what was the worst that could happen? i knew if she got low enough on blood her pressure would drop her heart would race, her oxygen saturation would get low, so i was already a step ahead by having her hooked up so i would know what to do. i covered the bases, got her cleaned up and then waited for the OR to come and take her to surgery because she was 2 months pregnant and miscarrying and was already scheduled for a D&C (they basically go in and clean it up in the uterus). a nurse i used to work with in corpus would refer to is at the dusting and cleaning procedure for the ladies.
it's always amazing to me how when patients come in and they're really bad off, nurses come together to help get the job done. there could be all of us in the room, one starting the IV and drawing blood, one doing an EKG, the other getting information or getting medicines. and it will never get old, saving someone's life. knowing that you just busted your butt to get them stabilized and when you walk away- the whole 12 hour shift, even if it was horrible, was worth it.

self worth

tonight i went on a date and it could probably go down as the best date ever. let me just tell you how it went. first, i went to the salon to have my hair colored and cut. my stylist's name was Elizabeth and she was so sweet and friendly (coincidental, i think not). i was there chatting with her for an hour while i had my hair done, that's why i like to refer to my hair stylists as my hair-apist. crystal could tell you stories about the time when i went to have my hair cut and colored and told the lady doing my hair my whole life story. i'm sure she didn't care to hear it, but it felt good to get it out (i basically talk to anyone who will listen). anyhow, afterwards i took myself to see an indie flick (not made in Indiana), called 2 days in Paris and it was lovely. then i came home. there was no other person involved, i simply took myself out...and it was lovely.
on to my hair. i used to think that dying one's hair could somehow transform you into a different person. afterall, you don't necessarily look the same as you did before you colored your hair. since i was in high school (elementary if you count sun in) i've been dying my hair and i'm sure if i'm not careful, one day it will simply fall off of my head and i will be more britney-ish than i care to be. but i've realized a few things since i've been traveling and the first is: it's not so bad being yourself as long as you are true to you. i was blessed with tan skin, dark hair and dark eyes. it is what makes me me. and i've grown to love my features because they came from someone, my mom and even more than that, my family. i am not fair skinned, nor do i have light eyes or blonde hair and for that i am proud. i don't look like half of the girls in california but it's ok because i know i'm a texan girl.
secondly, with my new hue (or old, if you consider it was the color i was born with) i feel a little stronger. as if my hair has brought out a side of me that i forgot was there, the strong, independent girl who left texas to travel the U.S. with the sole intention of finding herself. and in a theater in irvine, california i realized i don't need anyone or anything to make me feel special, because i know i am. and i like my brown hair, my tan skin. i like my dark eyes and the way i laugh too loud sometimes or talk too much. i like that in the face of opposition i am still nice to californians even though sometimes it's not reciprocated. i like watching indie flicks because i know they were probably low budget films where the actors got paid little but did it anyways because they believed in the movie. i have become a little tougher without having my family or friends within hands reach to help me.
and what makes me smile is that i know i was this person all along. i come from two very strong women who back down to no one. and in seeing them i have become who i am, it's just taken me a little while to realize it.

the saturday barbq

the bar-b-q was altogether too much fun. i had a couple of red stripes (beer) with lime and sat by the pool enjoying chips and homemade salsa talking with friendly people from st. joe's ER staff. i know why i like working there so much, it reminds me of Yuma. it's a 50 something bed ER with tons of young, intelligent, friendly staff. and of course there were a couple of cute guys at this party (oh you know me...always looking).
anyhow, i worked yesterday at st. joe's and am planning to pick up a lot more shifts there in the coming months.
on another note, i lost another lb this week which makes a total of 17lbs i've lost. i'm almost in to my skinny jeans and am starting to feel a lot more confident. i am hoping to make a trip to corpus in october or november. travelocity is offering cheap flights to austin for the next coming months and i'd really like to show off my lighter self. ;)
ok, off to the gym. off to my skinny jeans.

over is over

i read on myspace that my tarot card today was strength and the caption read "may courage be your ally". i don't believe in tarot cards or astrology but i always like to see what it says anyway. and well, i guess i didn't need the card to know that today was a day which would call for a little courage.
he called this morning early, i would have broken up with him yesterday had he answered his phone. i could feel my heart pounding as the words came out of my cotton-dry mouth, it was over. he wasn't overly upset like i'd expected, he was matter of fact about it all. he is coming over in a little while to pick up a picture he gave me of him as a kid, i guess it's really something he wants to give to his next girlfriend. i checked my myspace only 10 minutes after our conversation and he'd already deleted me off his friends list...just like that. i am out of his life. there were red flags, big ones and little ones that i ignored. his cube, his control issues, the way he spoke to people over their heads so they would know how smart he is. but it all boils down to this, he's just not the one.
and the funny thing is i feel relieved.
i was invited by a co-worker at my second job to a pool party tonight. i can't tell you exactly how excited i am to go and mingle with people i don't see 36hrs a week in irvine.
things are looking up and for the first time in weeks i am really smiling and excited about a fun saturday night.

do you like girls?

somedays i love my job, other days i would rather be a dog walker. the past week has been a good one. i am enjoying the hospital where i'm working more and the people there are getting on my nerves less. i guess it's because i've realized that i'm going to be here until january, so i might as well make the best of it.
i had a patient the other day who made me laugh the whole time i was in her room. she was in her mid eighties and very kind. she got into an argument with another resident of the nursing home where she lived and started having chest pain. she had dementia so every thing she said i heard over and over again. it was cute that she asked me 10 times if i had a boyfriend. every time i told her i was from texas (which was around 5 or 6 times) she'd ask what part and then would tell me she was from dallas. her son was in the room although she kept referring to him as her husband and then they'd both blush when he'd tell her he was her son. she'd then apologize and say something funny like "oh i know that, i was just testing you" or "don't be silly, i said you were my son". but once, after she'd asked why i wasn't married, i didn't find her funny. i was getting ready to transfer her upstairs, which is probably a good thing because if i had to hear her ask me this next question ten times i am sure i would have cried. she said "so...do you like girls?" i was perplexed by her question and the look on her son's face, as well as mine, i'm sure was priceless. she didn't mean any harm, she was just curious.
it made me think a lot about how many people actually think this for real, but don't ask. i am single and 26 and traveling to different cities. i am strong and independent and am enjoying traveling by myself. i think people expect you to get married and settle down by a certain age....but i'm not ready. i don't know when i will be ready. i think part of me is always looking for the next best thing, ready to leave at a moment's notice.
but no. i'm not a lesbian.

last night

i guess he could tell last night, by the way i was acting, that it was over. it was in the way he said "i'm just happy i met you, even if this doesn't work" and the way he looked at me while i sat on his couch with my arms crossed looking away. he could sense it, the reality hung it the air, the elephant in the room that neither of us was ready to discuss....it's over. being in a relationship is difficult for people, for others it's easy. i am the difficult one. and i can't tell you when it all started but i'm guessing in high school. i "talked" to boys, they got on my nerves and then i started avoiding their phone calls. i've never been really good at this. and now, 10 years later, i still suck at it. so there it was. he walked me to my car and he wanted more. he wanted to kiss me and ask my why i was different, but he didn't. his eyes were sad, his comments were sweet and i was tired. i told him i had difficulty trusting people, especially boys. i told him i was jealous and possessive and restless to which he didn't respond. we didn't break up, i'm not ready to tell him. the whole world knows i've already moved on, and although i'm sure he may too, i'm not quite ready to tell him myself.

ambivalence

how could something that, at one point, made me so happy now make me unhappy? and how is it that i let something go this far without saying anything?
california is nice but texas (in my heart) is better. people are nicer, the air is warm and can sometimes choke you because it's so humid. but when you're at the grocery store or at the mall or at church or anywhere really and people smile at you...you know it's genuine.
and the boy. oh the boy....there's always something.
what can i say? my heart is already in texas, but i don't think it ever really left anyway.