Thursday, July 24, 2008

adult stephanie

here it is, the last of the last shifts to be worked in nebraska. a big hug shared by coworkers, final chances at expressing your feelings, it's now or never...say what you want or hold your breath forever.
i would like to think, so far, this has been the best learning experience for me. profound growth has occurred here, a sense of money's value, a sense of self worth, an awakening if you will.
take me out of my element and let me work 4 days a week, get back to basics without any way to really cook except for a microwave. force me to take responsibility for all my actions up to now, credit cards are good in building your credit if your responsible with them. if you're not the balance builds up and towers over you like a skyscraper in a big city, until your forced to deal with it.
i read a book recently about a young girl who's parents divorce at a young age. in an attempt to make her parents feel better she hides all her feelings, lets them build up in the closet with her dirty clothes. instead of dealing with the hurt she figures she will look for acceptance and understanding elsewhere. through men. through sex. in a self destructing way she pulls people in and then spits them out, only wanting love but not allowing herself to fully love herself. i cried and the book wasn't sad in that manner, but to me it spoke volumes.
in an attempt to look for the answer, i bought a book by marianne williamson, inspirational author and speaker. she spoke to me directly. address your past, own up to it, know it has made you the person you are, take accountability for it and then let go. you are an adult, you are destined for greatness, you have always known this. God made you to enjoy this, the wonderful world he created, so enjoy it.
Mom told me to stop settling in relationships where the men are inadequate. know that i deserve the best, stop lowering the bar and be patient. Marianne tells me to know my own self worth. understand that i am beautiful and that my inner light will shine through and one day, he will come and he will see it. and it will be a beautiful paring of souls.
Uncle Rick told me about the government, gave me all the facts i needed and here i am. a democrat. a baby democrat, still learning the ropes of it all. i will, soon enough, have my own ideas...base my decisions on the things i've read, seen and learned through listening to others.
so there it is. adult stephanie. new thoughts on love and sex. money and the government. a renewed sense of self worth. the idea that here i am, 27 (in around 5 months i will be 28) and i am a fully functioning adult with the desire to make this my own. my own ideas on love. my own ideas on money. my own ideas on the government. you may not agree with it all. but it's ok, we are all adults here and we respect each other. the training wheels have come off, a little too late, but i will return to my home on my own two feet. i am proud that, after a year and a half, i've grown this much.
i have three shifts left. my items are packed and ready for their journey home. beatrice "queen bee" blue parakeet has no idea that she's about to be a texan.
move over world, here comes adult stephanie and her bird. and this time she's going to do things a little differently. in a good way.

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