I have read and re-read the emails, hoping that maybe I've skipped a word or two. I am completely unaware of the severity of this, as if I'm living in slow motion or a few days behind. Every part of me knows that this has happened except for my head...it doesn't want to join the pity party. The kleenexes have been thrown away, text messages deleted, the only real evidence are the letters. Words on a page that have decided my relationship's fate.
And I know it's for the best. I mean, I guess I know it's for the best. I once said I wanted sparkles, or fireworks...something flashy. I wasn't going to settle for anything less than extraordinary because I knew I deserved it all. The gentleman who opens doors, wants to help carry luggage, is over-the-top romantic and plans dinners and fun nights out, the good Christian man with morals who loves his parents and babies- the man of my dreams. And I had him for a brief moment. I can't say that there is one person to blame more than the other. My therapist says... (I've always wanted to say that) that maybe our personalities didn't mesh well together. Why, because we're exactly the same person? Because when we walk into rooms we want to get to know everyone and can make friends with the bathroom attendant or the doorman or the DJ/Bouncer/Waiter, etc. Maybe two personality types can't mesh. You need one outgoing and one a little less outgoing- otherwise someone's always fighting for the spotlight.
Tomorrow is a new day though. I will wake up and greet the day with an optimism that is reserved for the toughest of times. I will do yoga and read books and meditate. And I will enjoy every day I am given. And soon months will have passed by and I will look back and know I gained something from it all.
But for now I will just reread the emails.