imposter

i wonder if they noticed how nervous i was, my hands shaking as i drew up the medications. it felt like my heart was going to pound out of my chest, i swear they could hear it. if only they knew how i felt on the inside because it surely didn't match my confident exterior.
he was in dialysis when he stopped breathing, they realized he didn't have a pulse and started chest compressions. within minutes he was hooked to a machine that read his pulse and knew he needed to be defibrillated, so they shocked him. they worked fast, they must have because as a result, his blood gases were normal (meaning he wasn't without oxygen for too long and his body didn't have to work to make up for it).
he came in CPR in progress and i'd only arrived to work an hour before. i was still covering lunches so they decided to give him to me, he would be my patient. and the ER was slammed so i was alone in the room. me and my almost dead patient.
but i worked furiously to keep him alive, giving him medicines to help regulate his heart, electrolytes to replenish him but he was fading fast and i was so nervous. the doctors were at the nurses station and i wanted to yell for help, his pulse went from 80 to 35 and i knew that he could get worse.
we pulled through it. i, ever so calmly (although i don't know how) explained to his children everything, the tube in his lungs, the IV in his neck, the medications and what they were for. i knew they'd been through this before so they were familiar but i know it's scary and i could see they were terrified of losing him, they didn't know how much i was too.
in the end, he lived. i don't think, however, he will make it much longer. and his family thanked me for all my hard work. i guess they couldn't see the fear in me.