Tuesday, February 12, 2008

curiosity killed the cat

i'm the type of person that is curious. i want to know more about everything, about people and why they are the way they are. with writers whose books i read, i want to see pictures and learn more about how they grew up, their relationship status and what they did after writing their book.
sometimes the curiosity can get me further, like at work when i get more involved with traumas. i ask questions about how we do things, what i'm looking for and become a better nurse as a result.
and then there are the times when i need to not be so curious. a blogger/author named stephanie klein wrote recently in her blog about a book called the book of us in which couples can learn more about each other by talking about things they wouldn't normally. there's a section for sex and one for their childhood and then there's one for past relationships. stephanie said she didn't even want to go into that chapter with her husband at the time (now they're divorced and she calls him the WASband). but with me i'd want to know everything. it sounds horrible but i've been conditioned to look for clues, little things that would let me know my significant other was lying or cheating. with Art i became obsessed with his phone bill and his call log only after i knew he was cheating. i wanted to know about his ex and what she looked like and if she was the type of person to cook him food or if he liked to buy her flowers. i wanted to know EVERYTHING until it hurt to know everything and i would then back off. and i would be miserable from it.
but when you've been so used to looking for problems and waiting for something bad to happen for so long it becomes hard to stop the behavior. you are constantly prepared, cautious, observant, guarded.
after constantly pushing people away, does it ever become easy again to let go and fall in love?

1 comment:

Kat said...

Seems like an interesting read! Yes.....let go fall in love....its hard. I went from a almost 5 yr relationship to a new one....the story is a LONG one...but my heart was crushed about 5 times in 2007, and it never seems to get easier, does it?! Keep faith....and before you know it you will have 'him' ;)