Saturday, February 2, 2008


there is a consequence to every action. someone cheats in a relationship and the other partner is left feeling incompetent. it's funny to me how one person can have such an affect on your psyche.
at one point in my life, actually two, i thought i'd get married to the most wonderful guy. the second time i wasn't only wrong but way off. he was cheating and i found out from a phone bill. the second time (can you believe after the first time, there was a second?) i found out through a friend of a friend. the point being, i still, very clearly, remember the feeling of utmost devastation.
i go through this every time i get into a relationship with someone. the feelings that i thought i'd dealt with come creeping back into my mind as if i'd never dealt with them at all. and my trust issues have to be addressed and re-addressed as if i'm a child being taught what trust is for the first time. i have been given the wrong information on relationships, from first hand experience (the yelling, fighting and verbal abuse) to literature (like cosmo and why men love bitches) and i feel none the more enlightened. well, i do until i'm smack dab in the middle of a relationship and i throw it all out the window.
i know to keep my independence, my friends and my sense of being. and i know that the other partner in the relationship should do the same.
my situation is simple, i like him a lot. i want to see him all the time. and i don't like it, i don't like that i feel needy. i don't like that he has some sort of power and control over me, not that i let him. i have been single for so long, or not in a relationship where i felt like this, and i have forgotten what it was like to "let go" and enjoy it.
and i want to enjoy it.

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