the earthquake and the tornado

You are the manipulator and I the marionette. With the dancing of your hands, my body moves along gracefully, assuredly with your guidance not to fall. I have learned so much in the last (almost) 30 years, but there is one thing I know to be the most true- without YOU I am nothing. The relationships I have nourished with the people in my life have without a doubt made me who I am, and I would change not a thing. Although there were many times I cried out in fury and disappointment, I know the reasons behind every action were necessary and part of the experience.
I have loved and I have been loved- and for that I am incredibly thankful.
Almost 6 months ago my life took a turn I was not expecting. A once very happy relationship dissolved and I was heartbroken and lost. But as expected, time has healed the wounds left behind from it and I find myself in a better place. Optimistic at the future and ready to embrace what new challenges I will face.
I had a dream the other night that I was in a classroom and there was an earthquake. Not too long after that the building was swept up and looking out the window I realized I was in a tornado. I know what it means- what it represents. And for you placing "the earthquake" and "the tornado" in my life I am appreciative- hesitant but appreciative.
A new chapter has started. I am going home to enjoy the holidays with my family and friends and will return to Kentucky for another travel assignment. I have fallen in love here, with the weather and the people and the little but big city feel. I have made friendships here in 3 months that would rival those I've had for much longer and I've met people I know will stay in my heart for the rest of my life. I don't know what any of it means, but You, my puppeteer, I will never question.

learning about soul mates (thanks to Elizabeth Gilbert)

Dear sweet, sweet Richard from Texas,
In the book Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, you lovingly watch over and give some wonderful advice to your friend while at an Ashram in India. I couldn't love you more for all the great words of knowledge you've imparted- especially that on soul mates.
While Liz is in this beautiful place, learning to quiet her mind and be at peace with the war in her mind, she continually comes back to her ex-boyfriend and feels like she's losing the battle. She hurts from a deep longing, a not-so-recent breakup still weighing her down, she misses him.
I want to quote the book but cannot thanks to copyright infringement laws. So I will just tell you to read to book.
Eat Pray Love.
Life is simple.

ouch

I thought my first night out solo was going well, granted I'd had a little bit of alcohol prior to leaving the house so my judgment may have been a bit off. I made an emergency text to my roomie early in the afternoon about an idea I had, which he told me was not a good one and that I should open the bottle of wine in the fridge and he'd be home shortly. I watched one of the only non-romantic movies I own and started on the mixed white wine I bought for moments like these. He came home and we finished the wine and the movie, my spirits lifted. His friends invited us out to dinner so we went which then turned into a night out dancing and meeting new people. It didn't feel so bad until we got in the car to go home and he told me I should download some Carrie Underwood song which reminded him of some previous love and I should have known then that love songs relating to previous heartache would ultimately end in disaster. But I found the song anyway and before you knew it the damage had been done.
Today it's the only song I want to listen to over and over. It's a pathetic attempt at wanting to hurt and heal and cry.
Damn you Randy Travis for writing such a sad song and Carrie Underwood for singing it so painfully beautiful.
ugh. *tear*

Suppose I called you up tonight and told you that I loved you
And suppose I said "I wanna come back home".
And suppose I cried and said "I think I finally learned my lesson"
And I'm tired a-spendin' all my time alone.

If I told you that I realised you're all I ever wanted
And it's killin' me to be so far away.
Would you tell me that you loved me too and would we cry together?
Or would you simply laugh at me and say:

"I told you so, oh I told you so
I told you some day you come crawling back and asking me to take you in
I told you so, but you had to go
Now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again".

If I got down on my knees and told you I was yours forever
Would you get down on yours to and take my hand?
Would we get that old time feelin', would we laugh and talk for hours
The way we did when our love first began?

Would you tell me that you'd missed me too and that you'd been so lonely
And you waited for the day that I return.
And we'd live in love forever and that I'm your one and only
Or would you say the tables finally turned?

Would you say:

"I told you so, oh I told you so
I told you some day you come crawling back and asking me to take you in
I told you so, but you had to go
Now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again".

"Now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again".

two posts?!?

i know what you're thinking...two posts in one night?!? it's fascinating, isn't it?
well, with all my new free time i can post every day if i want. please, don't look so excited.
we should end on a funny note, not some sad-boohoo-lame-my-relationship's-over note.
here. laugh.
http://www.annietown.com/

who even blogs anymore?

I have read and re-read the emails, hoping that maybe I've skipped a word or two. I am completely unaware of the severity of this, as if I'm living in slow motion or a few days behind. Every part of me knows that this has happened except for my head...it doesn't want to join the pity party. The kleenexes have been thrown away, text messages deleted, the only real evidence are the letters. Words on a page that have decided my relationship's fate.
And I know it's for the best. I mean, I guess I know it's for the best. I once said I wanted sparkles, or fireworks...something flashy. I wasn't going to settle for anything less than extraordinary because I knew I deserved it all. The gentleman who opens doors, wants to help carry luggage, is over-the-top romantic and plans dinners and fun nights out, the good Christian man with morals who loves his parents and babies- the man of my dreams. And I had him for a brief moment. I can't say that there is one person to blame more than the other. My therapist says... (I've always wanted to say that) that maybe our personalities didn't mesh well together. Why, because we're exactly the same person? Because when we walk into rooms we want to get to know everyone and can make friends with the bathroom attendant or the doorman or the DJ/Bouncer/Waiter, etc. Maybe two personality types can't mesh. You need one outgoing and one a little less outgoing- otherwise someone's always fighting for the spotlight.
Tomorrow is a new day though. I will wake up and greet the day with an optimism that is reserved for the toughest of times. I will do yoga and read books and meditate. And I will enjoy every day I am given. And soon months will have passed by and I will look back and know I gained something from it all.
But for now I will just reread the emails.

you look wonderful tonight

I will never forget the night we danced to one of eric clapton's greatest love songs. You sang the lyrics so sweetly and softly in my ear. And my family watched as I giggled like a school girl.
I think the world of you.

entranced

i used to want to tell you everything, to put it all out there for everyone to see. the good and the bad. mostly the bad to satisfy my melodramatic story telling skills. i'm not 100% sure when this changed but i went through some transformation at some point and now i just don't. i want you to know all the wonderful things, the way i want to cry sometimes because i'm so happy. i want you to know that i have met the man i am sure God created for me. i want you to know, most of all, that i have fallen in love with life. not that there was ever a time when i didn't love my life, but there were times when i was sure that the uphill struggle was part of some learning process. and that the sadness, or sometimes relief, i felt after every bad relationship was part of the journey. i see now i did it to myself.
i am working exactly the schedule that i want right now, looking to get some part time work doing home health or hospice care for a little extra vacation money. i applied for my passport yesterday so that in august my boyfriend and i can go somewhere exotic.
as for my boyfriend....can i brag a little? ;) i remember the night i saw him in the ER where i work. i looked up and there he was, across the nurses station looking directly at me. it's as if the whole world stopped for a brief second. i didn't smile at him, i just looked. i remember that night a patient of mine died and i was heartbroken for the family. one second the patient was talking with his family, laughing. we asked the family to leave the room to do a routine procedure on him and when we started his heart went into a fatal rhythm and a couple of minutes later we pronounced him dead. sometimes things like that don't get to me, that night i cried. i felt responsible for him. but it made me feel ultra-romantic, the way i get when someone dies...when i remember that life is too short and that we should take advantage of every moment. after that i walked over to the area where my at-the-time future-boyfriend was and made a flirtatious comment, smiled and walked away.
6 months later, almost, here we are. madly in love. and i just can't quit smiling.


we are silly together.

social butterflies.

and my favorite, on easter sunday at brunch.

inspired

i had a thought yesterday while sitting in a church, a non-denominational church..."you can never progress with a closed mind."
so many thoughts going through my head right now, about life, about religion and about relationships. i am intrigued by this church, Ecclesia houston. i was touched at their service, as different as it was from my own. no one was trying to force it on me, no one trying to convert me...it was a simple, open place of worship with poetic hymns and gripping prayers. and my final thought on it is, what if it's not just one place that fills your heart with Christ's love? what if we need a collaboration of people and places to guide us?
i am enthralled by my love interest. he's the first person i've dated that wants to talk. talk about life, about religion, about things that pertain to us and things that don't. we could talk about nothing and i am just as interested in hearing what he has to say about it. i am excited by him and sometimes in the middle of listening to him tell a story i think to myself, "wow, this guy is amazing." he is a breath of fresh air.
my job is the same and my contract is ending in april. i plan on working for another contract company which will allow me weekends off, time to travel and play around. i may have to work some nights but if i have the weekends off then i don't really care about what i work. i still love my job. i love the people i work with.
life is sweet right now. i find myself smiling more and more and people notice. i've been told more than once that i'm glowing. i don't think it's just Travis but a really a combination of feeling at home, feeling at peace and grateful for being alive.

back to normal...at least for now

so the tiff is over, the hoopla behind us. another thing to make us stronger, at least that is what i'm hoping. he picked me up from the airport yesterday, vegan cookie and water in hand, and a smile on his face. the night went smoothly, the way our last sunday should have gone...i was given another chance.
so with this, i will bite my tongue. i have learned that we respond emotionally to things said or done because of our innate need to be loved, held, and understood. if you can get your hand on a psychology today magazine for the month of january/february you must read the article "hold me tight". it is amazing!

apologizing

if you said something cruel to someone, how many times do you think you'd need to apologize before they would forgive you? or maybe saying sorry isn't what is going to be me back into their good graces. maybe i need a plan, the grand gesture, to prove that i can be sweet...to prove that i am really a nice person.
most days i would give the stranger on the corner the shirt of my back if i knew they needed it. i would give you my last dollar or if you liked something of mine, really liked it, i may just hand it over. then there are days where i am feeling low, emotional and a tad needy. i hate these days. i hate feeling weak and dependent and i fight like hell when i start getting like this...mostly in relationships. i don't know how to just fall in love. for me, getting into a relationship in the beginning is fun... exhilirating...butterflies and fireworks. then after awhile i start realizing that my emotions are involved and start freaking out. why? where did this come from?
i don't know what to do at this point. i am afraid that i am either going to do too much and freak him out or that i won't do enough.
the truth is though, i made a mistake and have apologized and will say i am sorry again, in person when i see him. and if he decides that this is bigger than an apology and he puts an end to what we had then i have no choice but to accept it.
but just so you know...i have learned a valuable lesson from this.

someone stop me

it has becoming ridiculous now.
"him" and i went for a drink last night to the most low key bar ever. he was impressed that i knew of such a place, dark and quiet with the hint of jazz playing overhead. candles illuminated an upstairs area filled with leather couches and people making out spread randomly throughout. when we left he said he felt a little dirty, a little sleazy maybe...like he needed a shower. haha. "where did you find this place anyhow" and my answer, "um...a guy i used to date?" he just laughed, "i guess a place like this deserves to be recycled."
but in the middle of one of our conversations my hand found it's way to above his knee, it hovered. without any hesitation he grabbed my hand, softly and sweetly and kept it in his grip, the warmth of it radiating through my whole body. for a moment i was breathless, paralyzed and lost my train of thought. "continue" he said with a smile, clearly noticing my abrupt stop and, i'm sure, picking up on his ability to stop me mid-sentence.
there is an attraction there that is so intense. we could keep eye contact forever. we could talk about anything and there is no lull in our conversation and for this we are both grateful. i feel like i am losing control and my ability to stay level headed and instead can already feel the pull.
this is bad. this is very bad. but i cannot say that i am not enjoying every minute of it.

him

what can i saw without giving away too much? i will refer to him as simply "him" until he can be revealed. right now it's still too early.
but i have to write it down, put it out there, the events from our first date. first dates are always fun, a mix of nervousness and excitement behind trembling hands. we are secretly hoping that we or they won't say anything that is a deal breaker. what are my deal breakers anyways? atheist, vegan-hater, close-mindedness, negativity. hmm..
it went well. he is the type that could tell his life story to passing strangers, the type to flash a smile at anyone walking by. he is witty, charismatic, a gentleman and doesn't believe is asking girls out via text, like my generation does. he is more conservative than i, both in his beliefs and with the physical which should make for a nice courtship. he is younger and a little more naive, a little more trusting but maybe a little more mature than i. i have become a tad cynical with men in general, scared to open up or give away too much. after the last one i promised i would be cautious. and i struggle with just giving in and having fun or being guarded and letting him earn my trust through consistency...proving himself.
i am somewhere in the middle and will probably stay there...having fun but letting him show me if he's really worth my time. as i will show him that maybe i'm worth his.
it could be nothing but a great friendship. only time will tell i guess. here is to just taking it day by day and enjoying it for what it is right now. really fun. :)

the roommate lotto

the day i told The Attorney that i'd rather pass, i found yet another listing on CL (craigslist...get with the times). i had decided not to get my hopes up but it sounded pretty extravagant, big room, furnished, cheap and gay roommate with little to no rules about guests and eating outiside of the designated areas. over the course of less than a day at least 10 emails were exchanged and i found out, he is witty, single, fun and from rockport.
i met him 2 days later at the apartment/townhome and am not sure what i loved more, him or the apartment itself. it was pretty mutual, we hugged and he said "in a month i'll be living with you!!" and we both walked away convinced that i would be his new roomie for a good while if all goes accordingly.
so here i am again, excited to have found something, scared it will fall through, although he's assured me my move in date is pretty set (jan 16th) and nervous to see if it works out.
and as always, there is the possibility of someone new...yet again. it is really nothing yet except for text messages and pure flirtation over the phone. we have the witty banter that i so desire and he is drawn into the fact that i'm older (not by much) and to my dark hair/dark eyes. it is a mutual attraction with a foundation of honesty and openness with a hint of sarcasm. not sure what to think of it all yet, i guess we shall see. i will keep you, as always, posted of the latest adventures when they arise.
on a side note, at mass on sunday the priest spoke about Christmas. about how this time of year people tend to get stressed with traveling and gift giving and family. he spoke of the economy and how this year it is has only added to the sensitivity of the season. and then... "it isn't that Christmas has become secular, it's that it has become trivial," he went on to say that instead of seeing the joy that is the true reason for this December 25th, we are consumed with the food, and the money, and the gifts... i won't preach, it has never been my thing. i only ask that for a moment we stop and consider why it is that we really celebrate. "rejoice always," that is what the message behind his homily was, even in times of struggle, in times where the meaning of Christmas is blurred, we have so much to be thankful for.

me dijo que no

so, i'm sorry to report that the room of my dreams is no longer. cry not for it is, in my opinion, a good thing.
i went to sign the contract and got to a section labeled "guests" and some questions arose. i have, in the past, had people stay over at my apartment, both girls and boys, and have never had to deal with the issue of a roommate. when i asked about said overnight guests he let out a long sigh and said, "well...i've never really run into that problem before." problem? so, yes, i see his point of view: he has a daughter who he doesn't want exposed to a certain lifestyle, he doesn't want someone living there for free should one night a week turn into 4 nights a week...etc. but here's mine, i'm almost 28 and don't feel the need to ask permission to have a guest stay over. if i'm paying rent somewhere then i should have the freedoms of living there without such rules as "no guests allowed."
it was an amicable split between my future-ex-landlord and i. this will make the 3rd place i've looked at that didn't result in a set place of residence. am i worried? no. i have my apartment until january 12th, and if push comes to shove and i find nothing that fits me then i will stay with a friend. plain and simple. it either fits or it doesn't but you cannot force it. and that's that.

excitement and sleeping

here they are, photos of my future residence. i wish i could say it was MY house, but i'm only renting one of the furnished rooms upstairs (there are 5). there is a lovely garden in the backyard with a patio table where i picture myself drinking some tea/wine/water with lime slices and reading. he's not asking for a deposit, nor is he asking me to sign a contract for a certain period. if it doesn't work he doesn't want me to feel like i can't look for something that will work. but he says the room should be available until september, when a student is supposed to move in.
i'm excited about it. i can literally run to rice university's running trail, my most favorite place to run. i could walk to rice village to shop.
i'm too excited about it all that i haven't been able to sleep very well. hehe. :)
here's to staying in Houston, to settling somewhere that feels like home.

the exchange

his body lay lifeless on the ER stretcher as we pounded on his chest and gave life saving drugs. it wasn't working. we knew the basics before he came in, 80 years old...CPR in progress. that's what they call it when the patient is coming in via EMS ambulance in the process of being resuscitated. we knew he probably wouldn't make it and had the body bag safely placed underneath the sheet to make it easier on the transition from ER to the morgue. how sad that we do this, already knowing that the patient will probably not make it?
for the first time ever in the history of my nursing i had a life changing thought. at the moment i most dread, the pronunciation of death...the time we declare a patient to actually be dead, i thought about the exchange from this life into the next. how amazing that i can be in the room at this time, when a person's soul physically leaves the body with his last breath and goes onto the after life.
i wrapped my fingers around his wrist and said a prayer.
and then just like that i walked away less afraid of death and more prepared for the next time.

these nights

fall is here and i am already missing the sun. sometimes a whole day goes by and i've completely slept it away, realizing only too late that my morning is already my night. that's the hard part about working night shift.
but the nights that are my favorite sometimes start off this way. the air is cold and perfect for open windows, and lit candles and amos lee or madeleine, my two favorite singers for this time of year. music to calm and relax the soul.
but the nights that are my favorite usually include a workout at around 10:30pm to midnight. i will usually crawl into bed around 2am with a book, after taking benadryl (my sleep aid on most nights since i'm not used to a bed time before 7am) and i will read until i'm so tired that i can no longer focus.
how will i explain this to my future boyfriend? how will he ever understand my need for my late night workout, my love of reading until the early morning, my reliance on benadryl to catch some zzzz's? the problem is, i love this routine...it's one of my favorites. many could argue that night shift is hard on your body and it is. but i just can't get away from it yet.
and so here it is 2:35am. i worked out already and am just playing on the net. the rest of the world is asleep and it's only my lunchtime. this is my life right now and i'm so perfectly content with it. it just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. :)

i'm still here

i haven't blogged in some time and thought i'd tell you i'm still alive.
i came home for the weekend and caught a stomach virus, from where or what i'm not sure. i'm guessing it was the chips and salsa that did me in, although i didn't have very much. or it could have been that i stayed up close to 24 hours, slept for three, got back up and went to a football game where tons of sick people probably were... and then slept only three hours before waking up violently ill.
as a nurse i knew all the things to do...maalox to help ease the pain. then after throwing up, knowing to only consume clear liquids. then i added saltine crackers and applesauce. i've moped around the house today in pajamas from last night, hair unwashed, still a little queasy...bummed that i didn't get to go out with my friends tonight. but i knew that exposing myself, while not completely back to my normal self, to a bar full of wild, rowdy people was a bad idea.
so here i am. blogging about being sick on my saturday night off. how fun.

already i love it

i can't go in to great detail because i'm at work but i tell you this...i'm in love. i love it here, i love my apartment, i love the hospital where i work, i love the people that i work with and the crazy houstonians. i love the gym that i signed up at and the whole foods where i shop. i could probably go on for awhile, but i won't. i'll spare you the lame details of my houston life.
but i'm hoping that this works for me because it would be nice to be here...permanately.

wednesday thoughts....

i came home yesterday from the store to find my bird sitting on top of her cage. outside of her cage. i had to chase her around the apartment living room, kitchen, hallway and finally laundry room to catch her. i kept thinking, "who came in and let her out?" then i saw it. her with her little beak, trying to open the door where her food is. she wants out. wants to be free, could we say "she get's it from her mama," seriously?
i'm not yet freaked out about living at home, i'm actually loving my activities on a day to day basis, get up, drink protein shake, go to the gym for a couple of hours, return home, watch tv, read a book, clean, eat, do nothing. i'm going today to finish signing paperwork for work so i can actually start working, i guess they're not in a rush to have me, this day has been pushed back for a week. i can't complain. i vacillate between wanting to work 3-4 days a week to wanting to work maybe only 2. i could survive on less than that. but do i want to? i guess we'll see how much i really enjoy it. i may explore other avenues such as labor and delivery nursing, just to see.
there was a boy for a week or so that i was smitten with. he was all wrong for me and maybe that's what attracted me to him. the bad boy. anyhow, i was upset yesterday because he said he couldn't give me what i wanted, couldn't commit his time to me. and needing to hear something positive i called a girlfriend. i asked her not to sugar coat the details, to give it to me straight and she said this "Stephanie, you know it wouldn't have worked out. In January you will leave and go on to bigger and better things and he will be here, in the same place he is now. You should be taking 10 steps forward, and by dating him you'd be taking steps backwards. you aren't for corpus, you will go on to the bigger city" and there it was. clarity. it could have come from anyone else and i wouldn't have listened, i would have refused to believe that this was a bad choice. i would have vehemently denied his lifestyle choice clashing with my own, but coming from her it was different. she said houston, she said big city. and with it came hope. hope that there is someone, maybe similar to him, that is better suited for me. he is out there, i just have to be strong. refuse to take what is offered from the ordinary joe's of the world and wait for the one who will offer me all that i deserve.
sometimes i forget who i am, what it is i'm looking for. until i talk to my girlfriends and they give it to me how i need to hear it.
"a true friend knows the song in your heart and sings it back to you when you have forgotten the words"